The wedding was great: the food was delicious, the music was fun, the bride and groom and families were all happy, and the friends were behaved. It was very well documented. Sailor jacket was sweaty-- I'm not sure how many shirts he went through in the end, but it was more than one-- and there were no reports of any errant weddingfarts.**
I, unfortunately, was pretty broken throughout the affair. We're still not quite sure what happened, but I actually would have been grateful for a few more weddingfarts in the end. So it goes. Nothing stopped me from smiling all night at the thought of sailor jacket married-- and to a wonderful woman at that.
Mazel tov to sailor jacket and man boobs. You've both done this blog proud.
**UPDATE FARTS: While there were no weddingfarts by the groom at the wedding itself, reports indicate that sailor jacket had the weddingfart of the year immediately after the wedding. At brunch, wife of sailor jacket remarked that, upon entering their wedding night suite, sailor jacket proceeded to have "horrible, horrible weddingfarts."
We hope that sailor jacket has avoided the water on his honeymoon in Mexico.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
On the Edge of Weddingfarts
Sailor Jacket is getting married today. In fact, I'm supposed to be at the hotel now, but I got caught up ironing his tallis. I need to let everyone know, though, that sailor jacket is attempting to make weddingfarts history today: lunch was chicken wings and a salad. The hotel where the wedding is taking place has been around since the 1800s; it's one of the oldest buildings in Austin. It surely has never experienced the weddingfarts that it will experience tonight. For that matter, neither has sailor jacket.
God speed, sailor jacket. I speak on behalf of all .govs and obama boob seekers that make up the weddingfarts community: we are very, very proud of you.
God speed, sailor jacket. I speak on behalf of all .govs and obama boob seekers that make up the weddingfarts community: we are very, very proud of you.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Explaining the Tension Farts
You're probably wondering why everything has seemed so tense at weddingfarts this week. Even though most of us haven't been posting much this week, you keen .govs can probably feel the stress and uncertainty behind our silence.
I'll explain. Something is happening that has never happened here before. No, not the impending wedding of one of our correspondents-- we've been through that and came out mostly unscathed (although I personally still have nightmares of decorating man boob's golf cart). What is going on is even more serious than marriage. (Although not as serious as babies.)
I'm talking about the fantasy football (a.k.a. "tasia") championship round between me and sailor jacket this weekend. We don't talk much about fantasy football here, because to do so would be uncouth (and because I didn't really ask man boobs if wanted to help with my team this year, so I try not to bring it up around him. Man boobs: now that I'm in the finals, I'm never asking for your help again).
It's intense. There hasn't been such conflict between me and sailor jacket since we fought over [REDACTED] in 1994. But these days, everyone fights over [REDACTED]. So, in some ways, this is the biggest conflict we've ever had. And a week before sailor jacket's wedding, no less. Heady times.
Let me note that sailor jacket deserves a certain modicum of praise for the way that he has conducted his team this year. I'm pretty sure no one has ever tried to win a tasia championship with a Jewish quarterback before. Still, I'm angry about Thanksgiving week, and plan on winning this weekend (note: when I say things like that, I usually lose).
I want to ease the tension around here, in honor of the holidays. So I propose this. Hero of Beloved has been going around pledging to keep the Beloved where they belong. But we all know that Hero of Beloved isn't that rich, even though he owns a bar in Buffalo. He says he can get the money, but he also said that we'd win a few Superbowls.
I hereby pledge any tasia winnings to Hero's efforts to keep the Beloved in Buffalo, although maybe move them a little closer to Rochester too. Sailor jacket-- will you do the same?
I'll explain. Something is happening that has never happened here before. No, not the impending wedding of one of our correspondents-- we've been through that and came out mostly unscathed (although I personally still have nightmares of decorating man boob's golf cart). What is going on is even more serious than marriage. (Although not as serious as babies.)
I'm talking about the fantasy football (a.k.a. "tasia") championship round between me and sailor jacket this weekend. We don't talk much about fantasy football here, because to do so would be uncouth (and because I didn't really ask man boobs if wanted to help with my team this year, so I try not to bring it up around him. Man boobs: now that I'm in the finals, I'm never asking for your help again).
It's intense. There hasn't been such conflict between me and sailor jacket since we fought over [REDACTED] in 1994. But these days, everyone fights over [REDACTED]. So, in some ways, this is the biggest conflict we've ever had. And a week before sailor jacket's wedding, no less. Heady times.
Let me note that sailor jacket deserves a certain modicum of praise for the way that he has conducted his team this year. I'm pretty sure no one has ever tried to win a tasia championship with a Jewish quarterback before. Still, I'm angry about Thanksgiving week, and plan on winning this weekend (note: when I say things like that, I usually lose).
I want to ease the tension around here, in honor of the holidays. So I propose this. Hero of Beloved has been going around pledging to keep the Beloved where they belong. But we all know that Hero of Beloved isn't that rich, even though he owns a bar in Buffalo. He says he can get the money, but he also said that we'd win a few Superbowls.
I hereby pledge any tasia winnings to Hero's efforts to keep the Beloved in Buffalo, although maybe move them a little closer to Rochester too. Sailor jacket-- will you do the same?
Monday, December 17, 2007
iphone?
You can never say never, so there is a chance that someday I will continue to immerse myself in a pool of douche by getting an iphone.
I'm intrigued by it, but now I'm not so sure. I read something about how they could be adding GPS to it. The way that they would do that is by adding something called a dongle. I'm not sure what a dongle is, but I can see a few things happening.
Q. Hey what's that on your iphone?
A. Oh it's my dong-le
Q. What is that lying on your car seat?
A. My dong-le
Q. How do you get to DC Wingos?
A. I don't know. Let me check out my dong-le
Q. Shit we're lost in Phoenix, what are we going to do? It seems like they moved the freeway
A. I don't even think that my dong-le is gps-y enough to figure out the Phoenix freeway system.
I'm intrigued by it, but now I'm not so sure. I read something about how they could be adding GPS to it. The way that they would do that is by adding something called a dongle. I'm not sure what a dongle is, but I can see a few things happening.
Q. Hey what's that on your iphone?
A. Oh it's my dong-le
Q. What is that lying on your car seat?
A. My dong-le
Q. How do you get to DC Wingos?
A. I don't know. Let me check out my dong-le
Q. Shit we're lost in Phoenix, what are we going to do? It seems like they moved the freeway
A. I don't even think that my dong-le is gps-y enough to figure out the Phoenix freeway system.
Friday, December 14, 2007
BillsBrownsfarts
Enough of the Mitchell Report. Roger Clemens took steroids. He's 45 years old and probably has no balls at this point. He also has 4 kids or so whose names start with the letter K. Power to him for naming his kids with K names and for loving baseball so much that he wanted to play forever. Based on the aches and pains that I feel as a 29 year old who is as inactive as possible, I would be intrigued with something that made me feel like I was 23. Granted, I would never partake because I'm afraid of needles.
Here is the first ever Weddingfarts "Big Bills Game" preview.
This Sunday: Bills vs. Browns
The last time the Bills played the Browns this person was the QB.
He was awesome. We always felt like the game was ours with Jim Kelly leading the way. There was also Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, Bruce Smith, Darryl Talley, Kent Hull, Will Wolford, and Mark Kelso (double helmet Mark)
The Browns were led by sidearm Bernie.
The Bills won and Don Beebe bounced off of his head. That was really scary as an 11 year old. I thought he was dead.
Now the Bills have a quarterback who threw 4 touchdowns last week (double wristband Trent), Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and some people on defense.
Watching the Bills gives me intense uncertainty. They aren't very good. They are very mediocre. Yet somehow they stay in the game. Dick Jauron looks like a corpse, but apparently he is a decent coach. Either that or he is very lucky.
The Bills probably won't win on Sunday, but it could be close. Especially if Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis (who is terrifying. Did you see his touchdown run against the Jets last week?), Braylon Edwards (who brotherfart has on his fantasy team and is very pleased with), and Kellen Winslow Jr. all play at least mildly well.
The Browns and Bills are in similar situations. Both teams on the rise who are playing over their heads. The prediction is this:
Browns 27
Bills 17
Here is the first ever Weddingfarts "Big Bills Game" preview.
This Sunday: Bills vs. Browns
The last time the Bills played the Browns this person was the QB.
He was awesome. We always felt like the game was ours with Jim Kelly leading the way. There was also Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, Bruce Smith, Darryl Talley, Kent Hull, Will Wolford, and Mark Kelso (double helmet Mark)
The Browns were led by sidearm Bernie.
The Bills won and Don Beebe bounced off of his head. That was really scary as an 11 year old. I thought he was dead.
Now the Bills have a quarterback who threw 4 touchdowns last week (double wristband Trent), Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and some people on defense.
Watching the Bills gives me intense uncertainty. They aren't very good. They are very mediocre. Yet somehow they stay in the game. Dick Jauron looks like a corpse, but apparently he is a decent coach. Either that or he is very lucky.
The Bills probably won't win on Sunday, but it could be close. Especially if Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis (who is terrifying. Did you see his touchdown run against the Jets last week?), Braylon Edwards (who brotherfart has on his fantasy team and is very pleased with), and Kellen Winslow Jr. all play at least mildly well.
The Browns and Bills are in similar situations. Both teams on the rise who are playing over their heads. The prediction is this:
Browns 27
Bills 17
Thursday, December 13, 2007
It's been a rough dayfart
As the national pastime crumbles before our eyes here is something that will never let us down.
And Now On A Serious Note Fart
NOTE: POST UPDATED BELOW.
So, a few preliminaries: I haven't been a fan of baseball all of my life, although I've been a serious fan since I lived in Boston and got sucked into the losing ways of the Boston Red Sox (which turned out to only last through the first year of my rooting for them. Who knew?). And I've been pretty bored of the Barry Bonds/Steroids story-- yes, steroids are bad, but it's a complicated issue when you get down to it, because it's not very clear where acceptable "enhancement"-- and even acceptable cheating-- should end and where unacceptable cheating should begin. I mean, steroids clearly falls on one side of that line, but it's hard to make a moral issue out of it when you're looking at the picture of how people succeed in baseball.
With that said, I was a lot more affected than I expected to be when I saw the list of players that-- rumor has it (AND BY THIS I MEAN I AM NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE ON ANY LIST HAS USED STEROIDS, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT RUMORS I'VE HEARD)-- will be named in the Mitchell Report. It included a lot of players that I loved to watch play and rooted (and still root) strongly for. I felt cheated and shocked. Which I guess is the point of the whole exercise. This is going to be a lot harder for baseball and the sports world to deal with than I had initially thought.
Where is the list? You can find it on various sports gossip sites, and the real list is coming out soon enough. I'm not posting it here, because every player on the list is calling their lawyer right now, and I have enough work to do as it is.
UPDATE: Well, the official list is out, and it appears, at least in my quick glance, to be quite different in some respects than the rumor list. I also note that it does not even appear that all of the listed players are necessarily accused of having used steroids. So take it for what it is, which might not be very much at all. Still, a lousy day to be Roger Clemens.
So, a few preliminaries: I haven't been a fan of baseball all of my life, although I've been a serious fan since I lived in Boston and got sucked into the losing ways of the Boston Red Sox (which turned out to only last through the first year of my rooting for them. Who knew?). And I've been pretty bored of the Barry Bonds/Steroids story-- yes, steroids are bad, but it's a complicated issue when you get down to it, because it's not very clear where acceptable "enhancement"-- and even acceptable cheating-- should end and where unacceptable cheating should begin. I mean, steroids clearly falls on one side of that line, but it's hard to make a moral issue out of it when you're looking at the picture of how people succeed in baseball.
With that said, I was a lot more affected than I expected to be when I saw the list of players that-- rumor has it (AND BY THIS I MEAN I AM NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE ON ANY LIST HAS USED STEROIDS, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT RUMORS I'VE HEARD)-- will be named in the Mitchell Report. It included a lot of players that I loved to watch play and rooted (and still root) strongly for. I felt cheated and shocked. Which I guess is the point of the whole exercise. This is going to be a lot harder for baseball and the sports world to deal with than I had initially thought.
Where is the list? You can find it on various sports gossip sites, and the real list is coming out soon enough. I'm not posting it here, because every player on the list is calling their lawyer right now, and I have enough work to do as it is.
UPDATE: Well, the official list is out, and it appears, at least in my quick glance, to be quite different in some respects than the rumor list. I also note that it does not even appear that all of the listed players are necessarily accused of having used steroids. So take it for what it is, which might not be very much at all. Still, a lousy day to be Roger Clemens.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Fairchildfarts
The guy who couldn't made JP look good and who had Trent fall into his lap is leaving the Bills. In my opinion that makes for some good news. Good luck to the entire state of Colorado . Expect a few fumbles, interceptions, and general flailing.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Review Fart - Kinoko No Yama
This afternoon I was walking around a Japanese grocery store with some co-workers and I spotted a fanciful container covered with dancing chocolate mushrooms floating over softly rolling hills speckled with quaint cottages and lush greenery. The packaging was so intriguing that I had to purchase a box. My co-workers were surprised at my choice in snacks, to say the least. To our delight, the mushrooms were delicious. The chocolate cap is fresh and creamy and the cookie stalk keeps your fingers free of any chocolate residue. It was a wonderful snack experience which I highly recommend to everyone - especially gentle .gov's looking for unique, non-messy ways to satisfy their chocolate cravings.
Awesomefarts
I watched this before I left for work. It made things better. Did I mention that I'm getting fillings today? Super, right?
This video made getting filling ok.
This video made getting filling ok.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
knotfarts
Every 2-3 weeks I wake up with a knot in the same place in my back. Near my shoulder. It sucks. Today is one of those days. Here are just a few other reasons why my day could be semi-shitty.
*****All of the following has happened in the last hour*****
1. I have a knot in my back that hurts.
2. It is 8am on a Sunday and I'm already showered and thinking about how crappy my previous hour was.
3. I carried hula hoops in to work.
4. I carried puzzles in to work.
5. Somehow my sleeve got all wet.
6. My breakfast was two pieces of cheese and two slices of roast beef.
7. I listened to NPR.
8. I forgot my ipod.
9. I then listened to the radio and heard the shittiest song ever. Something by Moron 5 (yes I know it's Maroon (yes I'm bitter))
.govs, have a better beginning of your day than I have.
*****All of the following has happened in the last hour*****
1. I have a knot in my back that hurts.
2. It is 8am on a Sunday and I'm already showered and thinking about how crappy my previous hour was.
3. I carried hula hoops in to work.
4. I carried puzzles in to work.
5. Somehow my sleeve got all wet.
6. My breakfast was two pieces of cheese and two slices of roast beef.
7. I listened to NPR.
8. I forgot my ipod.
9. I then listened to the radio and heard the shittiest song ever. Something by Moron 5 (yes I know it's Maroon (yes I'm bitter))
.govs, have a better beginning of your day than I have.
Friday, December 07, 2007
CUPCAKE DAY!!!
In an effort to increase efficiency, decrease costs, and maintain a minimum level of morale, my client has implemented a cupcake birthday policy. Today happens to be cupcake day for the 4th quarter. So, without further adieu....
Happy Birthday to October, November, & December babies!!!!
(Wedding Farts - you probably thought that I forgot all about you)
Excuse me while I go claim my cupcake.
Happy Birthday to October, November, & December babies!!!!
(Wedding Farts - you probably thought that I forgot all about you)
Excuse me while I go claim my cupcake.
On a more serious notefart
Around the weddingfart quality control center we think about 5 things:
1. Farts
2. Lunch
3. Dinner
4. Our beloved
5. Rocky 3
However we have all been following the progress of Kevin Everett and are happy to tell you that things are looking much much better than originally reported. Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com you should know that we've been pulling for you. Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com we would love to eat wings with you.
1. Farts
2. Lunch
3. Dinner
4. Our beloved
5. Rocky 3
However we have all been following the progress of Kevin Everett and are happy to tell you that things are looking much much better than originally reported. Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com you should know that we've been pulling for you. Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com we would love to eat wings with you.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
ColdFarts: Day 4
Day 4 of cold hell has been snot day. My nose is the most productive thing about me today. It's like a fucking magic show. Oh, here's a tissue! Blow! What? I have to blow again? What the fuck!?
I know you don't really want to hear about my snotty nose. But I can't remember what I had for lunch today because I couldn't taste it. So you'll have to bear with me.
So, to make up for this grossness I introduce you to my favorite NFL-season Thursday afternoon feature: Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo. Beware, gentle .govs, he says some pretty awful things that are NSFW, as they say. So, if you're keeping score at home: Monday brings Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column, Tuesday brings Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column as well as Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column Tuesday Edition, Wednesday usually brings a Sports Guy post as well as Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column Wednesday edition (now on a bi-weekly basis), Thursday is owned by the Dick Joke Jambaroo, Friday is Simmon's football picks (now too late to be helpful in pick'ems because of the Thursday night games that I'll never to get to see), Saturday is Shabbat, and Sunday, well there are actual football games on Sunday, in addition to a lot of talking about them.
Now back to blowing my nose.
I know you don't really want to hear about my snotty nose. But I can't remember what I had for lunch today because I couldn't taste it. So you'll have to bear with me.
So, to make up for this grossness I introduce you to my favorite NFL-season Thursday afternoon feature: Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo. Beware, gentle .govs, he says some pretty awful things that are NSFW, as they say. So, if you're keeping score at home: Monday brings Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column, Tuesday brings Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column as well as Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column Tuesday Edition, Wednesday usually brings a Sports Guy post as well as Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column Wednesday edition (now on a bi-weekly basis), Thursday is owned by the Dick Joke Jambaroo, Friday is Simmon's football picks (now too late to be helpful in pick'ems because of the Thursday night games that I'll never to get to see), Saturday is Shabbat, and Sunday, well there are actual football games on Sunday, in addition to a lot of talking about them.
Now back to blowing my nose.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
ColdFarts
I've been in cold hell for the past three days. What's that like? I'll tell you:
First day: I think I'm going die. Doesn't everyone feel this way? Is this going to last forever? I think it's going to last forever.
Second day: Wow, yesterday was awful, I must feel better today. Let's get up, we'll get out of bed . . . wait, fuck. I feel like I'm going to die. Told you this was going to last forever.
Third day: That wasn't so bad, a two-day cold. At least I didn't have a lot of snot. Ach-hoo. That's funny, I wasn't sneezing much yesterday. Ach-hoo. Ach-hoo. Oh good, snot. Why does my head still hurt?
First day: I think I'm going die. Doesn't everyone feel this way? Is this going to last forever? I think it's going to last forever.
Second day: Wow, yesterday was awful, I must feel better today. Let's get up, we'll get out of bed . . . wait, fuck. I feel like I'm going to die. Told you this was going to last forever.
Third day: That wasn't so bad, a two-day cold. At least I didn't have a lot of snot. Ach-hoo. That's funny, I wasn't sneezing much yesterday. Ach-hoo. Ach-hoo. Oh good, snot. Why does my head still hurt?
Earlyfarts?
For the first time in quite some time I'm not running 10 minutes late. I'm running 10 minutes early. I've never been in this situation before. .gov's, loyal weddingfarters help me out. What do you do when you are running 10 minutes early?
Here's what I've done so far and I still have 4 minutes to spare:
1. Thought about breakfast and lunch
2. created a fantasy NBA team
3. Looked at facebook
4. cleared my throat
5. Made sure I have all my stuff ready for work.
Here's what I've done so far and I still have 4 minutes to spare:
1. Thought about breakfast and lunch
2. created a fantasy NBA team
3. Looked at facebook
4. cleared my throat
5. Made sure I have all my stuff ready for work.
Monday, December 03, 2007
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