Meta-Farts

Here at Weddingfarts, we love all things meta.

Or at least some of us do. Some of us get very angry at the use of the word "meta."

And others never use it at all.

But that shouldn't stop anyone from enjoying this meta-pizza:


Meta-pizza. See?

Real Worldfarts II

Chet sucks. It's official. I asked wife which lame housemate was crying at the end of the latest show. She said, "It was Chet. He's a tool".

Radioheadfarts

.gov's, what many of you may not know is that I am a music snob and I used to write terrible, unobjective, grammatically incorrect music reviews for my college newspaper. I don't envision this type of post often, especially because it has nothing to do with lunch, hating twitter, or our beloved but I think you dedicated weddingfarters and .gov's will enjoy this.

This is Radiohead performing at the Grammy's. What you are about to watch is a band at the height of their powers doing something unexpected and completely awesome. I can't imagine the thrill the USC marching band got from rehearsal and performance of the song "15 Steps". Granted Thom Yorke dances around a bit too douchey, but you would too if you had the power to scare the shit out of the entire music industry (releasing awesome new album online that fans could download for free or buy at whatever price they wanted).

You enjoy a serious bit of great music:

Jauronfarts

Luckily the very fearful leader of our beloved has talked to the guy on nationalfootballpost.com about the TO situation.

Mike Lombardi, who wrote the article is constantly on the BS Report with Bill Simmons. He always sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

Jauron doesn't say anything out of the ordinary, but then again he never does. I think the point is that the Bills players are almost... excited... about playing with TO.

Donte Whitner is my facebook friend farts

I just became "friends" with Donte Whitner - starting safety for the Buffalo Bills - on Facebook. The following is my last status update (status update = twitter for those who refuse to twit and aren't on the weddingfarts roster of excellence)

"Sailor Jacket can't believe that TO is a Bill. Do you know how much explaining and apologizing I'm going to have to do when the season starts??"

I wonder what my new friend Donte Whitner thought of that?

Twitterfarts III 900% useage increase farts

Twitter has had a 900% useage increase in the last year. I will never use twitter for my own purposes. Here's the reason why: when someone posts something on their twitter it is called a tweet.

A tweet. People compliment each other on their tweets. What is the past tense of a tweet? I tweeted? I twatted?

.govs - you should never be talking to anyone at your fancy job and tell them that you were twatting last night until all hours. Not a good idea.

Soupfarts

Tortilla soup is the answer to every question you have had today. Have
it for dinner .govs

Trust me

Terrel Deep thoughtsfart III

At least he sounds like he's convinced that the Bills have some upside. On the other hand, he refers to himself as a Buffalo Bill, you know, the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs?

Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

Terrell Deep Thoughts Farts II

I've had a few hours to reflect on this evening's events.

I'm scared. And pretty sure this is a bad idea. And drunk.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just not used to my team being in the limelight.

Maybe, we'll be a credible team. Maybe we have an actual offense threat.

Maybe I'm afraid of the implications of all that.

Or maybe I've just watched the Eagles and Cowboys enough to know what a mess this could be.

Koreatown farts II

The restaurant we ate at was called Dong il Jang... And hilarity ensues.

Koreatownfarts

Awesome. Grill at your table. There are all you can eat options at
some places. It was an adventure.

You enjoy my shrimp and beef.

I'm Calming Down

Ok. Deep breath.

Maybe this won't be so bad?

Maybe this will open up the offense a lot more? We'll have three real receivers on the field instead of two?

Maybe he just won't get so much attention in a small market?

Maybe he'll push Trent in a good way-- maybe fewer two yard "safe" passes to get the ball out?

"North America's Team" Farts

Fuck.

"God Has a Plan for Me" Farts

Question at the press conference: "TO, why did you pick Buffalo"

Answer: "God has a plan for me . . .this probably may not be the most ideal place for a lot of people"

Phishpharts?

All of the Terrel Owens news has everyone in our immediate orbit in a froth. I needed something to ease my mind and I found it with this article that made me wish that I was still in college and could enjoy this news very irresponsibly.

"A Marriage of Desperation"

According to ESPN blogger Tim Graham.

ESPN also reported that Jauron didn't sign off on this.

Oh good.

Terrell Deep Thoughts Farts

Is Lee Evans ever going to get to catch a long pass again?

To Put Things in Some Context

Many of you are probably wondering why we're so upset around here.

To put things in context, here is an email I sent to Sailor Jacket after learning that Jabari Greer signed elsewhere. (Warning, gentle .govs, it gets a bit salty toward the end):

Get used to the idea of the toronto bills. I'm serious. This is not a team that is trying. This is a team wading in shark infested waters. I'm serious. This is a team that has no one driving it. I'm absolutely digusted. Its not about greer. Its about all of the imcompetence. Why not get SOMETHING for dockery?? What is plan excactly at tight end?? Look at the jets, who we play twice a year. They are a new york team, amd they hustled to get bart. See peter king's article. The bill's front office is fucking all of us. And they know it. And they don't care. I'm fucking pissed.

Now, you might read that and think-- "hey, they did what you wanted and signed a big name player, aren't you happy?"

No, I'm not happy. I'm more fucking irate than ever.

TO is not what we need. We have Lee Evans. We have Josh Reed. We have plenty of receivers. We also have a fucking fragile situation in Buffalo right now, with a young quarterback, a gentle but not controlling coach, and general lack of talent on the line. And we didn't sign TO, awesome receiver. We signed old, chip on the shoulder TO, who, I'm sure, wanted to go ANYWHERE but Buffalo. He has no reason to humble himself now. Just make a fucking mess, collect his money and get out of town. Don't take my word for it-- listen to the talking heads on ESPN right now.

We needed anything BUT TO.

Fuck, I hate writing "TO." His name is Terrell. People who are named Terrell should be remind of that fact as often from possible. From now on, we will never again say "TO" on this blog.

I have a lot more to say, but I'm too irate. And too hungry. I have chicken nuggets in the toaster oven awaiting country sweet sauce.

But I digress.

This is not going to go well. I'm not just saying that because I'm a Bills fan, and, as such, I'm generally down on life. I'm saying that because I spend most of my time thinking about football, and thinking that, whatever else you can say about the Bills, at least we don't have a fucking TO (fuck I did it again) on our team. We got rid of Travis Henry, for fuck sake, just because he had too many kids. And we got rid of Willis McGahee because he said he liked Toronto more than Buffalo, and dissed Applebee's. Applebee's, for fuck sake.

Do you know what Canadians call Toronto? T.O.

We're fucked.

Fuckingfuckfuckfarts

Sorry .govs, but we are having some serious issues here at weddingfarts HQ.

Our beloved just signed one of the most disruptive players in NFL history, so pardon our language for the next couple of days. Things could be a little heated around here.

I'm sure that this is all going to work out just fine... Fuckingfucketyfuck.

You have got to be kidding me, oh shitfarts II

What. The. Fuck.

Oh Shitfarts

This is not what I thought I would be seeing when I sat down to check websites this afteroon.

I need a nap... and a beer... and then another nap... and then a sedative...

Bracketfarts I

Well. I know who I'm going to pick to go very far in the NCAA tournament. Oakenshields for life!

TaxFarts

I just finished my taxes in under 2 hours start to finish. TurboTax for president.

What you needfarts

.govs, today is Friday so celebrate with a Coke slurpee. You can thank
me later.

Fat Jew Tribute Farts

I am glad that Sailor Jacket reminded me of our former camper, The Fat Jew.

You have done us proud:

Eat This

"Hey man boobs, I have something for you to try" says one of my Chinese co-workers as I stride towards my cubical this morning with my standard level of swag (arms up in the air like I just won a boxing match).

"What is this?" I demand as I examine the package laden with Chinese characters. Inside I can see strips of dried white flesh stuffed tightly together. Jerk turkey is my first thought, but I can not find a single image or translation to confirm my suspicions.


"Just eat it," she replies and shoots me a look of disappointment. I can tell that she is surprised that I would even hesitate trying one of her favorite snacks.

(Everything around me freezes as I turn to the audience and explain the following) If you know me personally, or you have ever read this this blog (I'm talking about you .govs), you know that there is no way I am going to walk away from this situation without eating this mystery meat. In moments like these, I feel empowered. I feel like I can blast through the stereotypes of picky Americans who would no less put a new taste experience into their mouth than they would buy season tickets to to their local MLS team or enroll in a Mechanical Aeorospace Engineering program for the love of fluid mechanics. I will eat this food.

"Bring it!" I exclaim as I dive my hand into the bag and grab onto the dry, crumbly substance. As my fingers approach my mouth, the distinct smell of a seafood market drifts past my nose. Dried fish? Perhaps shark? I shove the meat into my mouth and the salt is evident immediately. I bite down and am surprised to find how chewey this food is. The taste is slightly fishy and very chewey. I know that I have tasted this before...

"Dried squid!" announces my co-worker as I swallow hard. "You like it?"

Perhaps it is the fact that it is 9 in the morning and I still have a lingering banana taste in my mouth. Or maybe my brain could not switch fast enough from expecting to taste a land animal but instead chewing endlessly on the shreaded squid. Whatever the reason, I can not hide the look of distaste on my face. I quietly remark that I think the squid is "good" but I can tell that she does not buy it.

I walk the rest of the way to my desk with my arms down at my sides, shoulders hunched, eyes staring straight at the ground, badly in need of a hug...

I have awful tastefarts

Everyone knows that I have terrible taste in just about everything I watch on TV. For example, I am entirely up to date on everything that has ever happened on Prison Break. I'll let you in on a little secret .govs:

I loved wrestling when I was a kid, and then I loved it again when I was around 22. I was at Wrestlemania 18 when Hogan and the Rock went toe to toe. I have to admit I got a little emotional during the match. I was especially emotional when friend of weddingfarts, TL, got a free sausage on the streets of Toronto (there is nothing sketchier than free street meat). I thought that the Wrestler was the 2nd best movie I saw this year. I have a WWE cookbook.

I digress... I don't know who the people in this video are, but they look like wrestlers and therefore I want to see the movie.

Twitterfarts II: The Ultimate Betrayal

Hi all, and welcome back to our blog. If you are one of the many in search of obama boobs, you'll going to be disappointed this week.

Because we're talking about Twitter.

Sailor Jacket and I have been having some extra-curricular (i.e., non-posted) conversations about Twitter. That happens from time to time. Like most of the past year.

For those of you not in the know, Twitter became a really big deal this week on the internets. It's the new thing that everyone is doing, like friendster in 2002, napster in 1998, and aol in 1996. Politicians are doing it, and now people are blogging about what politicians twitter.

What is it exactly?

I'm not sure. I refuse to find out. The gist, I take it, is that you are constantly telling the world inane shit about yourself, like what you had for lunch, and what is going on with your favorite football team, what happened on your commute to work on the metro, burgers you may someday want to eat.

Seriously, who has time for that?

I, for one, don't. Except that maybe I do. On a purely research oriented websearch-- don't say I never did anything for you, .govs-- I went to the Twitter website. And I found something horrible there:

I've already signed up for twitter.

How did this happen? I'll explain, or try to. If everyone remembers back a year ago, sailor jacket and I got ourselves into a bit of a tizzy over the wii. The problem was, you couldn't find one anywhere. As always, the internets tried to solve anything, and it was possible-- so I was told by Deep Fried Bacon-- to have the internets CALL YOUR PHONE when a wii became available online. Too good to be true? Well, yeah, in the end I think so. And somehow the calling involved Twitter, which, at that time, was not the next big thing. It was a messy period of time, and I tried lots of things, apparently even Twitter.

I'm not so much ashamed as confused.

But fear not, .govs. You will not need to search for twitter to find me, just as you do not need to waste your parents' minutes trying to chat with me on AOL. I will be nowhere but here, the everlasting weddingfarts, until, well, we stop writing once again.

Twitterfarts

I don't understand twitter. It is like a Facebook status update but more hardcore. However, I do check the twitter account of someone that weddingfarts and I know from summer camp. It is depraved and degenerate and consistently amusing.

www.twitter.com/thefatjew

Disclaimer: you probably should be careful about checking that website at work. Use your fancy .gov phone instead.

Realworldfarts

I know I'm too old to watch the Real World, but I do it anyway.

I am finding that I have never hated someone on tv more than I hate Chet. What a douche.

.govs I know that you are watching his season of the Real World. What are your very important thoughts on the matter?

I know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow

Man boobs can keep the chicken feet all for himself.

I'm going to Burger King.

For these:





I don't really like Burger King, but I'm a sucker for blog posts like this.

I am Not a Chicken

But I did eat chicken feet for lunch today. It was my first time eating chicken feet. You bite off the fingers, suck off the skin, and spit out the bones. On lucky bites, a nice glob of gelatin squeezes out of the foot. It was kind of soggy, kind of sweet, and kind of amazing.

I also enjoyed shark fin dumplings, steam buns stuffed with pork and bean paste, lotus leaf rice, and taro dumplings.

Dim sum, why can't every lunch be as interesting as you?

Foodpicturefarts

.govs we are back. Who knows for how long, but know that your lunchtime is about to become more exciting than it has been in monthes.

Here are some things to consider and to give us feedback on:

Taking pictures of your own food in restaurants and then immediately emailing to friends. Okay or not okay?

How do you regain your mojo in mariocart wii? I used to dominate and now I'm a shell of my former self.

Personal training: does it work? Do I care?

Talk to us .govs