3 Medium Pizza Farts, Part II

About two days ago, weddingfarts asked its readers to participate in a survey regarding an extremely polarizing topic - the classification of pizza as a meal. The results were quite revealing. 29% of those surveyed indicated that pizza can always be considered a meal, 29% felt that pizza can never be considered a meal, and the remaining 43% responded that pizza may or may not be a meal depending on the toppings.

The hardliners on the left feel that pizza is best categorized as a snack and/or an appetizer. They commonly point to the "unacceptable" ratio of bread and cheese in relation to the toppings. If you piled up each ingredient separately, they surmise, you can clearly see that pizza lacks the nutritional values and 'meat appeal' found in a proper meal.

Within the right-wing constituency, we find a much different story. Pizza is celebrated as a delicious, satisfying meal. People in this category find it perfectly acceptable to eat pizza for lunch, dinner, and even an occasional breakfast. "Pizza is like sex," states one of their more popular slogans, "Even when it's bad, it's good."

This leaves us with the swing voters - a whopping 43% of our readers. These individuals are cognizant of the lack of quality toppings found on the majority of pizzas in America. A plain cheese pizza is not a meal, they feel, but becomes one by adding the proper quantity of meat and fresh vegetables. By adding a side-salad to the mix, even more people are attracted to this middle-of-the-road stance.

This leaves us with one very important question - what is my stance on pizza? I will tell you.

I feel that in this great democracy everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you think that the human eye is proof of intelligent design, so be it. If you feel that the jury is out on global warming, fine. If you think that the holocaust was a hoax, then you are an idiot...and if you think that a cheese, pepperoni, or sausage pizza is a meal, you have that right. But you are mistaken. Sure, you will live if you eat it for dinner, just like you can subside off of a birthday cake or buckets of KFC or ten days of only eating matzo. But no one can deny that pizza lacks the proper servings of vegetables and meat. I am sorry if this hurts to hear.

So is pizza not a meal? Is it really just an appetizer or a snack? What I am about to say will shock you - especially if you have known me since my drooling stage. There are conditions in which pizza can be considered a meal - albeit I maintain that these conditions are rare. This requires a lot of toppings - a lot. An accompanying salad and wings further the argument for classifying pizza as a meal – and yes, boneless wings count...

I would like to thank everyone who has participated in this debate and I apologize to any of our readers whose dinner plans for tonight are now ruined.