A Class Act, that Alex Rodriguez

Proud of your player, man boobs?

Yuck...

...but, not yucky.  We did a lot of work today and last night.  Last night was crabs.  We each ate 5.  Then this morning was omelettes, and then a burger for me and fried chicken for weddingfarts.  Then to top it all off, we had sushi and peking duck.

PEKING DUCK

What happens at night

First you have a Manhattan.  Then you order wings; the right way.  Then you walk around DC frantically looking for beer before the wings come.  You can't find beer because everything in DC is closed. 

Then the wings arrive and they are awesome.  I'm a convert to the weddingfarts method of flat eating.  Absolutely filthy, but it does the job. 

Then you play Halo and win, and weddingfarts gets mad.  Then you play Madden and win and weddingfarts gets mad.  Then you play Halo and win again, and weddingfarts gets mad again.  Then he can't shit right.  Awesome.

today was a special day

We had our first mystery!  1-0 the Canadian wins for solving the mystery.

Washington DC

here's what I know about DC so far.  They have good sandwiches with Roast Beef, Cheddar Cheese, Spinach (because I'm healthy), and bacon. 

After that everyone goes on Weddingfarts roof to have parties.  The only catch is you have to be wearing a dress or a tie.  Luckily Weddingfarts and I were both wearing jeans, polo shirts, and glasses. 

Get ready

sailorjacket goes to DC tomorrow.  Prepare for lot's of posts.

NBA Draft Farts

I really don't care about basketball enough to get worked up about the draft, but someone should probably check on the Sports Guy to make sure he's ok.

Welcome Back, Shithead

I just arrived back at work after a short trip to Boston to find that a shelf on my crappy bookcase has collapsed. There are important law papers everywhere. Crappy bookcase.

It was as if my office was saying: welcome back, shithead. Now clean up this mess.

Note to self...

Do not eat the Chinese food from the 1st floor cafeteria. It will make you feel bad about yourself. And for heaven's sake, stop letting them fool you with the promise of a free chocolate chip cookie.

Things That May Happen Farts

We're going to try a revolutionary new approach to blogging around here: instead of focusing so much on what we ate in the past, we're going to try focusing on what we may eat in the future. I'm going to Boston today. Here are things that MAY happen:

• I may see David Ortiz hit a home run off crappy Tigers pitchers (I'd say another home run, but sailor jacket and I missed our Ortiz home run because of traffic in Los Angeles last summer)
• I may discover when I get back that my credit card is lost and not just in the pocket of the pair of pants I wore yesterday
• I may eat an Anna's Tacqueira steak burrito with everything
• I may get me and the macher lost because I've lived in Boston before but haven't been back in almost two years (how did that happen? has it really been that long?)
• I may eat fried clams or lobster. If not now, then Sunday night, when I return to Boston
• I may listen to WEEI
• I may hurt myself on Dunkin Donuts

That is not all. Everyone mark May25 on their calendars. That is the start of an important weddingfarts summit, here in swampy hot DC. Significant posts are sure to occur then.

Seattle's Best Fart

I am in Seattle for a Microsoft conference this week. I am enjoying an unlimited supply of the best coffee in America. I got a free laptop bag with labeled pockets for my ipod, airplane tickets, and computer. Last night's dinner consisted of a mixed seafood grill with fresh avocado salad which I enjoyed while watching cruise ships and tugboats crawl accross the Puget Sound. God is going to be talking to us tomorrow in the form of Steve Ballmer. I think that I will have seafood again tonight, this time in the form of a crustacean. Life is good.

The Shirts of Summer

It's supposed to be 80 degrees today, and it's humid, of course-- thunderstorms are expected. So I decided to break out a short sleeved polo shirt for the occasion, in my ongoing effort to dress more slovenly each day. I think this is acceptable lawyer wear at the firm.

But somehow I didn't notice the big, long, dark stain on the front until I sat down at my desk.

re: memphisfarts

I don't remember doing that.  Not good.

Yankees & Clemons = Last Place

The Yankees are done for. Roger's 2.30 ERA (2006) will not be enough to win games with the Yankee offense. Clemons and Petite are not the BFF's they are reported to be and will fight like girls all season. He should not have turned down the $18 million dollar offer from Boston. Who would not want to play for Boston? Who!!!

(Can't wait to laugh about my preditions at the end of the year)....

Love,

Boobs

Thanks A Lot, Jerk.

Peter King recently had this to say about our beloved's new running back, Marshawn Lynch:

I think they might as well go ahead and inscribe the Offensive Rookie of the year trophy with Marshawn Lynch's name. With a run-blocking offensive line coach in Jim McNally, two very high-priced line free agents in the fold (Derrick Dockery, Langston Walker) after being trained in run-blocking in their previous places, and the likelihood that Lynch will get 300 carries if he stays healthy ... I mean, unless Calvin Johnson catches 80 balls or some Hofstra receiver comes out of nowhere again, Lynch should win it in a walk.

Which is great and all, but probably means that Lynch will sprain a knee and break a few toes in a mistaken collision with Craig Nall on the second week of practice, and we'll spend a lot of time this season rooting for Anthony Thomas.

Clemens Farts

Now, there is a bad tendency for Red Sox fans to think that everything that happens in baseball happens to them personally. I don't want to participate in that. So I won't comment on the recent acquisition of a fat, 45-year-old pitcher by the Yankees. Instead, I'll let man boobs field this one and make his predictions, so that we'll be able to laugh at them in the fall. Thoughts, man boobs?

Website Fart

Useful link: http://www.bugmenot.com/

Memphisfarts

I dropped a full glass of whiskey all over myself.  I love Memphis.

Why I Watch TV

I didn't watch the whole show yet, but I did catch the Rudy ending on Earl last night. I had been ready for that my whole life.

And I stayed up to watch to watch the end of the Warriors game. I don't watch a lot of basketball, but I've never seen a team so completely demolished before. Stupid Dirk.

Our #1 pickfarts

We've all seen it, but this relationship is probably going to be really newsworthy for the next 3-4 years. 

Fuddrucker's Lunchfarts

It had been a long time.  I don't think that I had been to Fuddrucker's since I lived in the land of our Beloved.  Fuddruckers is pretty awesome.  They do a number of things right.  The following is a list of things that Fuddrucker's does better than other burger places.

1.  They butter the bun and then grill the bun.

That one thing is such a beautiful use of butter and bun that the rest of the burger is irrelevant.  I'm not sure if you've ever had a buttered bun with your burger before, but I can't recommend it to you enough.  Fuddrucker's also has a vegetable bar for your lettuce, tomato, pickle, or jalapeno needs.  I abuse bars that give away free jalapenos and pickles.  I'll load up.  Fuddrucker's doesn't seem to mind.  The burger was perfectly cooked, and with assistance from the buttered bun was probably the best meal I've eaten since last sunday. 

Let's face it.  Right now we're in desperate times.  I just got a blood test, and I'm sure the doctor will have something clever to say about my cholesterol.  That was probably the last guilt free buttered bun I eat until I'm 35, if ever again. 

A few other thoughts that I've had this week:

1.  Our Beloved had a good draft.  Not a knock you on your ass draft, but a draft that will probably inspire weddingfarts and I to purchase our own Pasluzny jersey's.  Here's a thought, the last time our beloved drafted a Penn State linebacker it worked out pretty well.  His name is Shane Conlon.  Yeah bitches, he's in the Greater Buffalo Sports Hall of Fame.

2.  I had wings with the Dr.  It was fun.  I made sauce.  I have my own method for eating flats.    I love to dip.  Dipping is my favorite thing.  That's why I like artichokes.  You can't dip the edible areas of the flat into the blue cheese container, so I got creative.  I call it the paint method.  I use a celery stick to paint blue cheese dressing on the good parts of the flat.  I think I've been doing that with my flats for the last 17 years.  I just now realized that it's something to add to our growing pantheon of flats eating methods.  I apologize for not bringing this up earlier. 

3.  You may notice a difference in my physical appearance.  That can simply be attributed to the fact that I've lifted weights 4 times since New Years.  Yep, once in January, February, March, and April.  I can really feel the difference.

4.  This weekend I'm going to Memphis.  I'll report on Graceland and barbecue.  I'm excited.  I've never been to Memphis.  I think it's going to be my kind of place.  You know, sideburns and barbecue.

5.  The Chicago Bulls swept the Miami Heat.  I care but not enough to write something about it.  I will say that the Bulls looked great.  That was awesome.  They've been crap for years, and now they are sweet.

6.  What the fuck is up with young pitchers getting blown out by the time they are 26 or 27?  Have we seen the last of pitchers like Schilling, Glavine, and Maddox?  Pitchers who have been around forever and can pitch as long as they want to?  It's making me cookoo.

7.  I'm not excited for Spiderman 3.  My visceral reaction to Toby Maguire is similar to my Elijah Wood reaction.  I think to myself... "what a poon".  That's what I thought throughout the Lord of the Rings movies.  "What a poon".

8.  24 really sucks.  It makes me sad.  It's almost the exact same as it was 2 years ago, I mean the plotline and everything.  They had a badass way to start the season.  Jack Bauer in Chinese jail being tortured.  Why didn't Jack break out of Chinese jail and then go on the run in China?  That's a solid 3 hours right there.

9.  As much as 24 sucks Prisonbreak is even worse.  That show is so dumb.  They're supposed to be on the run, but they are always standing around in groups talking.  They should change the name of the show to summer camp, or High School dance.

I think that's enough for now. 

Delayed Draft Farts

Many of you are probably wondering why we haven't had anything to say yet about our beloved's draft. It's not that we haven't been thinking about it. We're just not sure how we feel yet. I mean: Poslouzny, awesome. Lynch, interess. The rest, a touch questionable? I don't think we have enough players for a defense, if I do my math right. And the Fuckers are scarier than ever. Doesn't anyone watch them to make sure this doesn't happen?

In Marv we trust, in Marv we trust.

Delayed Lunch Farts

Don't worry: I've been busy on secret projects, but I still eat lunch. Today I discovered that the hole in the wall deli across the street-- the one that serves the delicious cheap breakfast sandwiches and provides a welcome, if slightly grimy, respite from the corporate lunch monotony in the area-- also serves a delicious barbeque chicken sandwich with cole slaw for a mere $5.00.

It was a very good, meaty sandwich. But that's not the amazing part. The amazing part is that although a lot of meat and juiced plopped off the sandwich while I ate it at my desk, none of it ended up on my pants. I must be growing up.