They exist. Probably my biggest fearfart

Survey Fart

If you had to give up either beef or dessert, which would you choose?

	Beef
	Dessert
Free polls from Pollhost.com

NOTE: This decision would be effective for the rest of your natural life. Giving up beef would mean that you could never stick another fiber of cow flesh into your mouth - including hamburgers, t-bones, meatballs, and prime rib. Dessert covers every single sweat and delicious treat you can think of, from chocolate Bon Bons to key lime pie.

Laundryfarts and meat dietfarts

It is certainly nice to have a resurgence here for team weddingfarts.  We're back and 1 month from the upcoming sailor jacket nuptials.  We'll document the farts as they come up.

First off:  Laundryfarts

My laundry room has been in constant use today.  Fiancee and I did about 7 loads.  That's 7 loads washed at $1.25 and 7 loads dried at $7.00.  That's $16.50.  You can get several awesome burgers for $16.50.

The point is that life was a lot better from 1996-2002 when I did laundry once every 1 1/2 months.

Chicks and .gov's totally dig me.

Secondly:  Meat dietfarts

I'm on the meat diet until the nuptials.  It's awesome... meat, cheese, wings.  Only for a month though.  However, it's really interfering with my output.  Everything in the fart department is all in a tither.

Did I mention that I have incredible luck with women and judges?

TMQ Haiku

Regular .gov readers of this site know that I have historically been very enthusiastic about TMQ, the very long football column that was first on Slate, then on ESPN, then on Football Outsiders, then on NFL.com, and then back on ESPN. It contains a lot of information about football, and takes up a huge chunk of Tuesday to read it.

I haven't had much to say about TMQ recently because, well, I'm still feeling guilty about not writing the baseball post in the spring, so I haven't been blogging, and because I'm kind of over the schtick of the TMQ author, Gregg Easterbrook. He writes like an pretentious arrogant prick, and I've usually thought that was mostly an act, but really I'm not sure. The good folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber kind of turned me around on the guy. I still read him, but the spark is gone.

Anyway, this past week, his column hit kind of close to home. It ended thusly:

Bonus Obscure Score: St. John Fisher 38, Curry 7. (Division III playoffs.) Located in Rochester, N.Y., St. John Fisher College has a school of nursing endowed by Robert Wegman, founder of the supermarket chain. Located mainly in non-booming old-industrial areas such as upstate New York and central Pennsylvania, Wegmans are the greatest supermarkets out there. Many Wegmans have entire internal food courts of higher quality than most delis and Italian restaurants. When, oh when, will a Wegmans open near me?

One of the pretentious prick things about TMQ is that he likes to post haikus by his readers. And make no mistake, I'm a pretentious prick myself. So I sent this email to TMQ:

Gregg,

Please do not despair
Wegmans abounds in NoVA
And soon: Frederick.


http://www.wegmans.com/about/storeLocator/


Cheers,

Weddingfarts (in Washington, D.C., by way of Rochester, N.Y.)

To which I received an automated response from TMQ promoting his book that has nothing to do about football. To which I say: eh. (I'd post the response here, but I haven't asked for his permission, and I think that's poor blog etiquette. I may be a prick, but I'm always polite.)

DMV Pickup Lines

For some reason I started thinking about this while standing in line at the DMV today. I have already found the love of my life, so they are of no use to me, but I'm always looking out for my fellow farts. Happy hunting, lonely .gov's:

1) Lets save us a trip and change your name and address while we're here

2) I can't wait to tell our kids that we met in line at the DMV

3) I got a DUI and ran over a kitten. What are you doing here?

4) I'm an organ donor.

Welcome, New Weddingfarters

These are recent Google searches which have brought kind and well meaning readers to our blog:

fart website
creation of the cheeseburger
weddingfarts
pull my finger fred
east coast patch
what to expect on first day of jury duty in florida

I'm glad that we can be of service to so many. Another fun weddingfarts fact: we are also one of the top rated blog on google for "losman farts."

Keep up the good work.

Ribs, Y'all

I was feeling a bit warn down this afternoon so we decided to go eat some BBQ. We went to Thompson Brothers, a hole-in-the wall establishment that a couple of frat boys from UGA opened up two years ago. Their sauce is sweet and tangy, their sliced pork is pink and juicy, and their bologna sandwich is rated #1 in Atlanta. I guess those Dawgs are good at more than just football.

NOTE: Nothing makes a computer programmer feel better than sucking the meat and fat off of a bone that recently belonged to a well fed pig.....except of course for the release of Visual Studio 2008 coupled with the new 3.5 .NET Framework. Did someone just whisper "Silverlight" into my ear?

The Elevator

I have always strived to be a true romantic. I write poetry that involves kisses so soft that you can't even feel them. I create elaborate birthday gifts with separate compartments for each of the senses. I call ahead to hotels to have flowers and chocolate laid out on our bed. I even create whipped-cream hearts on every pastry, pie, and strawberry covered pancake I've ever served to my bride. Then came the elevator.

The building that I work in has a bank of six elevators, three on each side of the wall. Every morning we gather on the first floor and wait for an elevator to arrive. Before the elevator doors open, an arrow pointing upwards is illuminated followed by a faint beep. The elevators are a bit spread out and the loading cycle is short so you need to move quickly once the doors start opening. Once inside the elevator, there is small flat-screen monitor that displays news, interesting facts, and trivia. It is imperative that you secure a spot on the elevator with a good view of the television.

The problem is that down south, the rule of thumb is to always let the girl go first. Always. As we approach the elevator, all of the guys step to the side and let the girls get on first. Even if you have been waiting 45 seconds and the girl has only waited 10 seconds, she is guaranteed a spot on the elevator. I understand the rationalization - they give birth to babies and deal with blood and mucus on a monthly basis - they should get preference here.

Where I take offence, however, is when it is time to get off. Since the girls loaded first they are now at the back of the elevator. Every stop we make, the guys part so that if a girl is getting off, she can go first. Everyone steps out of the way and watches as the girl squeezes through and walks down the hall. Then the guys follow, usually with their eyes fixated on the back of the girl in front of them.

It's ridiculous for many reasons. First off, it would be faster for everyone if the guys exited the elevator first. In the warehousing industry it is known as LIFO - Last In, First Out. The analogy often used to describe LIFO is a crowded elevator (as explained in the first paragraph of this article).

Secondly, the end result of this policy is a bunch of guys staring at some poor girl's back end. If it were my wife in the elevator, I would much prefer the guys exit first before she struts her stuff down the hall. Sometimes the guys even snicker to each other after the girl has left. It's disgusting.

Finally, if you are one of the poor soles who needs to stay on the elevator you are forced into a very stressful position. Either you can press yourself uncomfortably against the wall so that the girl has enough room to squeeze by or you can exit the elevator to make room. Exiting the elevator is dangerous since no one is certain if you are getting off or getting out of the way. First, everyone thinks you are a jerk for not letting the girl get off first. Next, you have to rush back inside the elevator so that it does not take off without you.

I still believe in romance. I will continue to complement my wife's haircut without her having to ask and give her a kiss on her forehead before I turn off the bed-stand lamp. However, I refuse to subject myself to one more day of this elevator fiasco. From here on out, I'll be taking the stairs.

Our Long Regional Nightmare is Over

From Two Bills Drive:

Edwards Named Starter
BuffaloBills.com reports: 'Dick Jauron announced Monday that Trent Edwards will start vs. the Washington Redskins.'

I thought so

We Believe

I interrupt our long silence to bring you this message from Jim Kelly:

"As fans of the Buffalo Bills, we talk about community. That's one of the reasons I stayed in Buffalo NY is because of the people. That's why Thurman moved back to the area My wife is from here, Thurman's wife is from here, Patti. We guarantee you, and I not only mean me, but Steve Tasker who lives here also but Thurman Thomas - he moved back here. We will make sure, we can almost guarantee that the Buffalo Bills will never leave Western New York."

Hells yeah. That is the best news I've seen about the Bills in weeks-- and it doesn't even really mean anything. Kelly went on to add:

Wow, J.P. Losman is a terrible football player. I don't know where he learned to run backwards and fall down like that. Certainly wasn't from me.*

*Kelly didn't actually say these things. Don't sue us, .govs.)