Wii updatefarts

Well done weddingfarts. Your determination to get a wii was rewarded. Be careful though. The video with this post was taped in your apartment this afternoon.

While we are thinking about Wiifarts

Someone is going to hurt themselves trying to get a Wii. In the meantime, to distract ourselves, let us remember what you can buy in stores in Austin, TX.

Beardfarts II

I thought that all of our .govs and obama boob seekers would want to know that I have shaved off my beard. It was way too itchy, and didn't look as good as it did when I was in college. Go figure. If anyone takes issue with the shaving and would like to dare me to regrow my beard I will be listening.

Beardfarts

I'm growing a beard. I'm married. I'm at the 4 day mark. It's starting to get itchy. You enjoy my beard.

Really Good Peanut Butter Farts

I don't know Dave, the author of this blog post. And I don't usually get excited for peanut butter. I mean, it's fine, it's particularly good on celery in my opinion, but I don't often use it.

But the sheer passion for the product in this post makes me thing otherwise. To wit:

I have shared with jars of peanut butter my most private hopes and dreams. When I smell peanut butter, freshly toasted and bubbling into the nooks and crannies of an English Muffin, I feel the way I did when, during Three Times a Lady at an eighth grade dance, I first found the courage to slide my sweaty palms down past the small of a back to the gloriously tight rear pockets on a pair Chemin de Fers.

Wow. Dave, whoever you are, you have earned yourself the esteemed title of Honorary Weddingfarter of the Day. Mazel Tov.

Hat fart: Andrew Sullivan.

Deadspin Fart Farts

Dear .govs,

In keeping with the essential mission of this blog, I feel duty bound to direct your attention to this link.

Beloved Recent Nostalgia Farts

Scenes from the Season . . .

Beloved Recent Nostalgia Farts

Scenes from the Season . . .

Live Blog: Calling Best Buy and Circuit City for Wiifarts

Wii is harder to find than good pizza in LA.  I will now call Best Buy.

All times are Pacific:

1:09pm - hang up phone with weddingfarts

1:09pm - Look up nearest Best Buy via store locator

1:10pm - Dialing

1:10pm - Lady computer answers

1:10pm - press 3 for sales associate

1:11pm - still ringing

1:12pm - back to lady computer voice

1:12pm - press 3 again

1:13pm - Lady answers phone and says that they have no Wii.  She has no idea when Wii will be available.  I hate that lady.

1:13pm - Look up nearest Circuit City via Store Locator

1:15pm - Lady computer answers

1:15pm - press 3

1:15pm - press 8 for games

1:16pm - press 2 again for games

1:16pm - ringing

1:16pm - "hello, we are not available right now, please call again"   Disconnected.  Awesome.

1:17pm - Try again.  Press 3 again.  Pressed 0 for operator.  Operator says that they have none and have no idea when they will get in.

I'm starting to get upset by this.

Our Beloved's website has crappy writingfarts

The following is from an article on our beloved's website. 

"The one area where Buffalo's line may look to improve their play further is run blocking. Marshawn Lynch was forced to earn the majority of his yards this past season."

I don't want to say that the writer is a dumbass, but I was under the impression that running back's (like Marshawn Lynch) in the NFL earned the majority of their yards by running. 

Losman Wants Out. Whatever.

As other NFL teams get to keep playing into the new year, our beloved has begun its traditional January season of surprise departures, finger pointing, and recriminations. Marv is leaving us, which makes us sad. And now Losman wants out. To which Beloved Nation says: whatever.

Sure, go. But quit whining. You say you never got enough support from the team. That may be because you aren't very good at football. The fans in Western New York are desperate. Believe me, we would have embraced you if you didn't so often run backwards and fall down. Yes, you lost your job twice-- to Kelly Holcomb (!) and a rookie. But you took most of the snaps for two seasons for an NFL team. And your body of work when you had the ball just wasn't so impressive. The long ball was great, but too often you looked confused and broke the play. We all saw it-- it was on tv. So we're going in a different direction.

It's nothing personal, believe me. You showed that you were willing to make a commitment to the city of Buffalo, which we all liked. I hope that you find a team that embraces you, and that you prove everyone wrong. But you had your chance in Buffalo. Apparently, it wasn't going to happen for you here. You weren't entitled to anymore than you got from us. If you're still confused by what happened, give a call to Drew Bledsoe, Charlie Frye, Jake Plummer, Chad Pennington, or Joey Harrington.

Good luck, JP, wherever you end up.

Sailor Jacket Weddingfarts (NOW WITH UPDATE FARTS)

The wedding was great: the food was delicious, the music was fun, the bride and groom and families were all happy, and the friends were behaved. It was very well documented. Sailor jacket was sweaty-- I'm not sure how many shirts he went through in the end, but it was more than one-- and there were no reports of any errant weddingfarts.**

I, unfortunately, was pretty broken throughout the affair. We're still not quite sure what happened, but I actually would have been grateful for a few more weddingfarts in the end. So it goes. Nothing stopped me from smiling all night at the thought of sailor jacket married-- and to a wonderful woman at that.

Mazel tov to sailor jacket and man boobs. You've both done this blog proud.

**UPDATE FARTS: While there were no weddingfarts by the groom at the wedding itself, reports indicate that sailor jacket had the weddingfart of the year immediately after the wedding. At brunch, wife of sailor jacket remarked that, upon entering their wedding night suite, sailor jacket proceeded to have "horrible, horrible weddingfarts."

We hope that sailor jacket has avoided the water on his honeymoon in Mexico.

On the Edge of Weddingfarts

Sailor Jacket is getting married today. In fact, I'm supposed to be at the hotel now, but I got caught up ironing his tallis. I need to let everyone know, though, that sailor jacket is attempting to make weddingfarts history today: lunch was chicken wings and a salad. The hotel where the wedding is taking place has been around since the 1800s; it's one of the oldest buildings in Austin. It surely has never experienced the weddingfarts that it will experience tonight. For that matter, neither has sailor jacket.

God speed, sailor jacket. I speak on behalf of all .govs and obama boob seekers that make up the weddingfarts community: we are very, very proud of you.

real life weddingfarts

I'm in Texas.  I'm getting married in 4 days.  I'm farting.  A lot.

Holiday Fun Farts

A list of famous people saying dumb things. Yoo-hoo!

Explaining the Tension Farts

You're probably wondering why everything has seemed so tense at weddingfarts this week. Even though most of us haven't been posting much this week, you keen .govs can probably feel the stress and uncertainty behind our silence.

I'll explain. Something is happening that has never happened here before. No, not the impending wedding of one of our correspondents-- we've been through that and came out mostly unscathed (although I personally still have nightmares of decorating man boob's golf cart). What is going on is even more serious than marriage. (Although not as serious as babies.)

I'm talking about the fantasy football (a.k.a. "tasia") championship round between me and sailor jacket this weekend. We don't talk much about fantasy football here, because to do so would be uncouth (and because I didn't really ask man boobs if wanted to help with my team this year, so I try not to bring it up around him. Man boobs: now that I'm in the finals, I'm never asking for your help again).

It's intense. There hasn't been such conflict between me and sailor jacket since we fought over [REDACTED] in 1994. But these days, everyone fights over [REDACTED]. So, in some ways, this is the biggest conflict we've ever had. And a week before sailor jacket's wedding, no less. Heady times.

Let me note that sailor jacket deserves a certain modicum of praise for the way that he has conducted his team this year. I'm pretty sure no one has ever tried to win a tasia championship with a Jewish quarterback before. Still, I'm angry about Thanksgiving week, and plan on winning this weekend (note: when I say things like that, I usually lose).

I want to ease the tension around here, in honor of the holidays. So I propose this. Hero of Beloved has been going around pledging to keep the Beloved where they belong. But we all know that Hero of Beloved isn't that rich, even though he owns a bar in Buffalo. He says he can get the money, but he also said that we'd win a few Superbowls.

I hereby pledge any tasia winnings to Hero's efforts to keep the Beloved in Buffalo, although maybe move them a little closer to Rochester too. Sailor jacket-- will you do the same?

iphone?

You can never say never, so there is a chance that someday I will continue to immerse myself in a pool of douche by getting an iphone.

I'm intrigued by it, but now I'm not so sure. I read something about how they could be adding GPS to it. The way that they would do that is by adding something called a dongle. I'm not sure what a dongle is, but I can see a few things happening.

Q. Hey what's that on your iphone?
A. Oh it's my dong-le

Q. What is that lying on your car seat?
A. My dong-le

Q. How do you get to DC Wingos?
A. I don't know. Let me check out my dong-le

Q. Shit we're lost in Phoenix, what are we going to do? It seems like they moved the freeway
A. I don't even think that my dong-le is gps-y enough to figure out the Phoenix freeway system.

BillsBrownsfarts

Enough of the Mitchell Report. Roger Clemens took steroids. He's 45 years old and probably has no balls at this point. He also has 4 kids or so whose names start with the letter K. Power to him for naming his kids with K names and for loving baseball so much that he wanted to play forever. Based on the aches and pains that I feel as a 29 year old who is as inactive as possible, I would be intrigued with something that made me feel like I was 23. Granted, I would never partake because I'm afraid of needles.

Here is the first ever Weddingfarts "Big Bills Game" preview.

This Sunday: Bills vs. Browns

The last time the Bills played the Browns this person was the QB.




He was awesome. We always felt like the game was ours with Jim Kelly leading the way. There was also Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, Bruce Smith, Darryl Talley, Kent Hull, Will Wolford, and Mark Kelso (double helmet Mark)

The Browns were led by sidearm Bernie.

The Bills won and Don Beebe bounced off of his head. That was really scary as an 11 year old. I thought he was dead.



Now the Bills have a quarterback who threw 4 touchdowns last week (double wristband Trent), Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and some people on defense.



Watching the Bills gives me intense uncertainty. They aren't very good. They are very mediocre. Yet somehow they stay in the game. Dick Jauron looks like a corpse, but apparently he is a decent coach. Either that or he is very lucky.

The Bills probably won't win on Sunday, but it could be close. Especially if Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis (who is terrifying. Did you see his touchdown run against the Jets last week?), Braylon Edwards (who brotherfart has on his fantasy team and is very pleased with), and Kellen Winslow Jr. all play at least mildly well.

The Browns and Bills are in similar situations. Both teams on the rise who are playing over their heads. The prediction is this:

Browns 27
Bills 17

It's been a rough dayfart

As the national pastime crumbles before our eyes here is something that will never let us down.

And Now On A Serious Note Fart

NOTE: POST UPDATED BELOW.

So, a few preliminaries: I haven't been a fan of baseball all of my life, although I've been a serious fan since I lived in Boston and got sucked into the losing ways of the Boston Red Sox (which turned out to only last through the first year of my rooting for them. Who knew?). And I've been pretty bored of the Barry Bonds/Steroids story-- yes, steroids are bad, but it's a complicated issue when you get down to it, because it's not very clear where acceptable "enhancement"-- and even acceptable cheating-- should end and where unacceptable cheating should begin. I mean, steroids clearly falls on one side of that line, but it's hard to make a moral issue out of it when you're looking at the picture of how people succeed in baseball.

With that said, I was a lot more affected than I expected to be when I saw the list of players that-- rumor has it (AND BY THIS I MEAN I AM NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE ON ANY LIST HAS USED STEROIDS, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT RUMORS I'VE HEARD)-- will be named in the Mitchell Report. It included a lot of players that I loved to watch play and rooted (and still root) strongly for. I felt cheated and shocked. Which I guess is the point of the whole exercise. This is going to be a lot harder for baseball and the sports world to deal with than I had initially thought.

Where is the list? You can find it on various sports gossip sites, and the real list is coming out soon enough. I'm not posting it here, because every player on the list is calling their lawyer right now, and I have enough work to do as it is.

UPDATE: Well, the official list is out, and it appears, at least in my quick glance, to be quite different in some respects than the rumor list. I also note that it does not even appear that all of the listed players are necessarily accused of having used steroids. So take it for what it is, which might not be very much at all. Still, a lousy day to be Roger Clemens.