Belated Beloved Burger Farts: Atlanta, March 2009

Bills Draftfarts

Please understand I may be one of the only people in the world that actively sets aside time to watch the first round of the NFL draft, but it has much to do with our beloved. Needless to say, in the course of the last week the Bills traded a pro bowl left tackle and drafted several cornerbacks (not an area of need).

A short, Emmy award winning video from last years #1 pick (local commercials are art)



Basically here is what happened. The Bills drafted several undersized players who will not play the positions in the NFL that they played in college. That, .govs, does not make a shitload of sense.


The following is from espn.com:

Riskiest move

The Buffalo Bills traded Pro Bowl left tackle Jason Peters a week before the draft and didn't select a tackle.

You can look at this three ways: 1) the Bills are confident veteran Langston Walker and second-year project Demetrius Bell can handle the tackle positions; 2) they might be working on a trade for someone like Levi Jones after the Cincinnati Bengals drafted Andre Smith; or 3) Buffalo's front office doesn't know what it's doing.

Buffalo went with Penn State defensive end Aaron Maybin, Louisville center Eric Wood, Oregon defensive back Jairus Byrd, Oregon State guard Andy Levitre, Southern Miss tight end Shawn Nelson, Oklahoma linebacker/safety Nic Harris, Southern California cornerback Cary Harris and West Virginia cornerback Ellis Lankster.

Maybin and Wood can easily be justified as first-round choices. But the Bills are adding a variable to Wood's future by moving him to guard after he started 49 straight games as Louisville's center.

Meta-Farts

Here at Weddingfarts, we love all things meta.

Or at least some of us do. Some of us get very angry at the use of the word "meta."

And others never use it at all.

But that shouldn't stop anyone from enjoying this meta-pizza:


Meta-pizza. See?

Real Worldfarts II

Chet sucks. It's official. I asked wife which lame housemate was crying at the end of the latest show. She said, "It was Chet. He's a tool".

Radioheadfarts

.gov's, what many of you may not know is that I am a music snob and I used to write terrible, unobjective, grammatically incorrect music reviews for my college newspaper. I don't envision this type of post often, especially because it has nothing to do with lunch, hating twitter, or our beloved but I think you dedicated weddingfarters and .gov's will enjoy this.

This is Radiohead performing at the Grammy's. What you are about to watch is a band at the height of their powers doing something unexpected and completely awesome. I can't imagine the thrill the USC marching band got from rehearsal and performance of the song "15 Steps". Granted Thom Yorke dances around a bit too douchey, but you would too if you had the power to scare the shit out of the entire music industry (releasing awesome new album online that fans could download for free or buy at whatever price they wanted).

You enjoy a serious bit of great music:

Jauronfarts

Luckily the very fearful leader of our beloved has talked to the guy on nationalfootballpost.com about the TO situation.

Mike Lombardi, who wrote the article is constantly on the BS Report with Bill Simmons. He always sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

Jauron doesn't say anything out of the ordinary, but then again he never does. I think the point is that the Bills players are almost... excited... about playing with TO.

Donte Whitner is my facebook friend farts

I just became "friends" with Donte Whitner - starting safety for the Buffalo Bills - on Facebook. The following is my last status update (status update = twitter for those who refuse to twit and aren't on the weddingfarts roster of excellence)

"Sailor Jacket can't believe that TO is a Bill. Do you know how much explaining and apologizing I'm going to have to do when the season starts??"

I wonder what my new friend Donte Whitner thought of that?

Twitterfarts III 900% useage increase farts

Twitter has had a 900% useage increase in the last year. I will never use twitter for my own purposes. Here's the reason why: when someone posts something on their twitter it is called a tweet.

A tweet. People compliment each other on their tweets. What is the past tense of a tweet? I tweeted? I twatted?

.govs - you should never be talking to anyone at your fancy job and tell them that you were twatting last night until all hours. Not a good idea.

Soupfarts

Tortilla soup is the answer to every question you have had today. Have
it for dinner .govs

Trust me

Terrel Deep thoughtsfart III

At least he sounds like he's convinced that the Bills have some upside. On the other hand, he refers to himself as a Buffalo Bill, you know, the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs?

Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

Terrell Deep Thoughts Farts II

I've had a few hours to reflect on this evening's events.

I'm scared. And pretty sure this is a bad idea. And drunk.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just not used to my team being in the limelight.

Maybe, we'll be a credible team. Maybe we have an actual offense threat.

Maybe I'm afraid of the implications of all that.

Or maybe I've just watched the Eagles and Cowboys enough to know what a mess this could be.

Koreatown farts II

The restaurant we ate at was called Dong il Jang... And hilarity ensues.

Koreatownfarts

Awesome. Grill at your table. There are all you can eat options at
some places. It was an adventure.

You enjoy my shrimp and beef.

I'm Calming Down

Ok. Deep breath.

Maybe this won't be so bad?

Maybe this will open up the offense a lot more? We'll have three real receivers on the field instead of two?

Maybe he just won't get so much attention in a small market?

Maybe he'll push Trent in a good way-- maybe fewer two yard "safe" passes to get the ball out?

"North America's Team" Farts

Fuck.

"God Has a Plan for Me" Farts

Question at the press conference: "TO, why did you pick Buffalo"

Answer: "God has a plan for me . . .this probably may not be the most ideal place for a lot of people"

Phishpharts?

All of the Terrel Owens news has everyone in our immediate orbit in a froth. I needed something to ease my mind and I found it with this article that made me wish that I was still in college and could enjoy this news very irresponsibly.

"A Marriage of Desperation"

According to ESPN blogger Tim Graham.

ESPN also reported that Jauron didn't sign off on this.

Oh good.

Terrell Deep Thoughts Farts

Is Lee Evans ever going to get to catch a long pass again?

To Put Things in Some Context

Many of you are probably wondering why we're so upset around here.

To put things in context, here is an email I sent to Sailor Jacket after learning that Jabari Greer signed elsewhere. (Warning, gentle .govs, it gets a bit salty toward the end):

Get used to the idea of the toronto bills. I'm serious. This is not a team that is trying. This is a team wading in shark infested waters. I'm serious. This is a team that has no one driving it. I'm absolutely digusted. Its not about greer. Its about all of the imcompetence. Why not get SOMETHING for dockery?? What is plan excactly at tight end?? Look at the jets, who we play twice a year. They are a new york team, amd they hustled to get bart. See peter king's article. The bill's front office is fucking all of us. And they know it. And they don't care. I'm fucking pissed.

Now, you might read that and think-- "hey, they did what you wanted and signed a big name player, aren't you happy?"

No, I'm not happy. I'm more fucking irate than ever.

TO is not what we need. We have Lee Evans. We have Josh Reed. We have plenty of receivers. We also have a fucking fragile situation in Buffalo right now, with a young quarterback, a gentle but not controlling coach, and general lack of talent on the line. And we didn't sign TO, awesome receiver. We signed old, chip on the shoulder TO, who, I'm sure, wanted to go ANYWHERE but Buffalo. He has no reason to humble himself now. Just make a fucking mess, collect his money and get out of town. Don't take my word for it-- listen to the talking heads on ESPN right now.

We needed anything BUT TO.

Fuck, I hate writing "TO." His name is Terrell. People who are named Terrell should be remind of that fact as often from possible. From now on, we will never again say "TO" on this blog.

I have a lot more to say, but I'm too irate. And too hungry. I have chicken nuggets in the toaster oven awaiting country sweet sauce.

But I digress.

This is not going to go well. I'm not just saying that because I'm a Bills fan, and, as such, I'm generally down on life. I'm saying that because I spend most of my time thinking about football, and thinking that, whatever else you can say about the Bills, at least we don't have a fucking TO (fuck I did it again) on our team. We got rid of Travis Henry, for fuck sake, just because he had too many kids. And we got rid of Willis McGahee because he said he liked Toronto more than Buffalo, and dissed Applebee's. Applebee's, for fuck sake.

Do you know what Canadians call Toronto? T.O.

We're fucked.

Fuckingfuckfuckfarts

Sorry .govs, but we are having some serious issues here at weddingfarts HQ.

Our beloved just signed one of the most disruptive players in NFL history, so pardon our language for the next couple of days. Things could be a little heated around here.

I'm sure that this is all going to work out just fine... Fuckingfucketyfuck.

You have got to be kidding me, oh shitfarts II

What. The. Fuck.

Oh Shitfarts

This is not what I thought I would be seeing when I sat down to check websites this afteroon.

I need a nap... and a beer... and then another nap... and then a sedative...

Bracketfarts I

Well. I know who I'm going to pick to go very far in the NCAA tournament. Oakenshields for life!

TaxFarts

I just finished my taxes in under 2 hours start to finish. TurboTax for president.

What you needfarts

.govs, today is Friday so celebrate with a Coke slurpee. You can thank
me later.

Fat Jew Tribute Farts

I am glad that Sailor Jacket reminded me of our former camper, The Fat Jew.

You have done us proud:

Eat This

"Hey man boobs, I have something for you to try" says one of my Chinese co-workers as I stride towards my cubical this morning with my standard level of swag (arms up in the air like I just won a boxing match).

"What is this?" I demand as I examine the package laden with Chinese characters. Inside I can see strips of dried white flesh stuffed tightly together. Jerk turkey is my first thought, but I can not find a single image or translation to confirm my suspicions.


"Just eat it," she replies and shoots me a look of disappointment. I can tell that she is surprised that I would even hesitate trying one of her favorite snacks.

(Everything around me freezes as I turn to the audience and explain the following) If you know me personally, or you have ever read this this blog (I'm talking about you .govs), you know that there is no way I am going to walk away from this situation without eating this mystery meat. In moments like these, I feel empowered. I feel like I can blast through the stereotypes of picky Americans who would no less put a new taste experience into their mouth than they would buy season tickets to to their local MLS team or enroll in a Mechanical Aeorospace Engineering program for the love of fluid mechanics. I will eat this food.

"Bring it!" I exclaim as I dive my hand into the bag and grab onto the dry, crumbly substance. As my fingers approach my mouth, the distinct smell of a seafood market drifts past my nose. Dried fish? Perhaps shark? I shove the meat into my mouth and the salt is evident immediately. I bite down and am surprised to find how chewey this food is. The taste is slightly fishy and very chewey. I know that I have tasted this before...

"Dried squid!" announces my co-worker as I swallow hard. "You like it?"

Perhaps it is the fact that it is 9 in the morning and I still have a lingering banana taste in my mouth. Or maybe my brain could not switch fast enough from expecting to taste a land animal but instead chewing endlessly on the shreaded squid. Whatever the reason, I can not hide the look of distaste on my face. I quietly remark that I think the squid is "good" but I can tell that she does not buy it.

I walk the rest of the way to my desk with my arms down at my sides, shoulders hunched, eyes staring straight at the ground, badly in need of a hug...

I have awful tastefarts

Everyone knows that I have terrible taste in just about everything I watch on TV. For example, I am entirely up to date on everything that has ever happened on Prison Break. I'll let you in on a little secret .govs:

I loved wrestling when I was a kid, and then I loved it again when I was around 22. I was at Wrestlemania 18 when Hogan and the Rock went toe to toe. I have to admit I got a little emotional during the match. I was especially emotional when friend of weddingfarts, TL, got a free sausage on the streets of Toronto (there is nothing sketchier than free street meat). I thought that the Wrestler was the 2nd best movie I saw this year. I have a WWE cookbook.

I digress... I don't know who the people in this video are, but they look like wrestlers and therefore I want to see the movie.

Twitterfarts II: The Ultimate Betrayal

Hi all, and welcome back to our blog. If you are one of the many in search of obama boobs, you'll going to be disappointed this week.

Because we're talking about Twitter.

Sailor Jacket and I have been having some extra-curricular (i.e., non-posted) conversations about Twitter. That happens from time to time. Like most of the past year.

For those of you not in the know, Twitter became a really big deal this week on the internets. It's the new thing that everyone is doing, like friendster in 2002, napster in 1998, and aol in 1996. Politicians are doing it, and now people are blogging about what politicians twitter.

What is it exactly?

I'm not sure. I refuse to find out. The gist, I take it, is that you are constantly telling the world inane shit about yourself, like what you had for lunch, and what is going on with your favorite football team, what happened on your commute to work on the metro, burgers you may someday want to eat.

Seriously, who has time for that?

I, for one, don't. Except that maybe I do. On a purely research oriented websearch-- don't say I never did anything for you, .govs-- I went to the Twitter website. And I found something horrible there:

I've already signed up for twitter.

How did this happen? I'll explain, or try to. If everyone remembers back a year ago, sailor jacket and I got ourselves into a bit of a tizzy over the wii. The problem was, you couldn't find one anywhere. As always, the internets tried to solve anything, and it was possible-- so I was told by Deep Fried Bacon-- to have the internets CALL YOUR PHONE when a wii became available online. Too good to be true? Well, yeah, in the end I think so. And somehow the calling involved Twitter, which, at that time, was not the next big thing. It was a messy period of time, and I tried lots of things, apparently even Twitter.

I'm not so much ashamed as confused.

But fear not, .govs. You will not need to search for twitter to find me, just as you do not need to waste your parents' minutes trying to chat with me on AOL. I will be nowhere but here, the everlasting weddingfarts, until, well, we stop writing once again.

Twitterfarts

I don't understand twitter. It is like a Facebook status update but more hardcore. However, I do check the twitter account of someone that weddingfarts and I know from summer camp. It is depraved and degenerate and consistently amusing.

www.twitter.com/thefatjew

Disclaimer: you probably should be careful about checking that website at work. Use your fancy .gov phone instead.

Realworldfarts

I know I'm too old to watch the Real World, but I do it anyway.

I am finding that I have never hated someone on tv more than I hate Chet. What a douche.

.govs I know that you are watching his season of the Real World. What are your very important thoughts on the matter?

I know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow

Man boobs can keep the chicken feet all for himself.

I'm going to Burger King.

For these:





I don't really like Burger King, but I'm a sucker for blog posts like this.

I am Not a Chicken

But I did eat chicken feet for lunch today. It was my first time eating chicken feet. You bite off the fingers, suck off the skin, and spit out the bones. On lucky bites, a nice glob of gelatin squeezes out of the foot. It was kind of soggy, kind of sweet, and kind of amazing.

I also enjoyed shark fin dumplings, steam buns stuffed with pork and bean paste, lotus leaf rice, and taro dumplings.

Dim sum, why can't every lunch be as interesting as you?

Foodpicturefarts

.govs we are back. Who knows for how long, but know that your lunchtime is about to become more exciting than it has been in monthes.

Here are some things to consider and to give us feedback on:

Taking pictures of your own food in restaurants and then immediately emailing to friends. Okay or not okay?

How do you regain your mojo in mariocart wii? I used to dominate and now I'm a shell of my former self.

Personal training: does it work? Do I care?

Talk to us .govs

Tekiah, Tekiah, Tekiah, Tekiah-Gedolah

Eating a curry chicken salad on wheat from the sandwich shop downstairs. They put raisins in the chicken salad. Next to the sandwich is a salad with ginger dressing. I think this is what the kids are calling fusion these days...

Sound the Shofar

I hereby revive this dormant blog for a moment to proclaim: the Robert Royal era in Buffalo is over! It is over!

Awake the .govs! Post links on facebook! Go eat a cobb salad!

Just don't get your hopes up yet-- either about our beloved, or this blog.

Doucheberryfarts

I have a doucheberry. We'll see how long this actually lasts. It was cool to check the blog from the doucheberry and see a picture of my almost beard from a while ago.

Check-in-farts

Wife just told me my farts stink.  Marriage...

Wii updatefarts

Well done weddingfarts. Your determination to get a wii was rewarded. Be careful though. The video with this post was taped in your apartment this afternoon.

While we are thinking about Wiifarts

Someone is going to hurt themselves trying to get a Wii. In the meantime, to distract ourselves, let us remember what you can buy in stores in Austin, TX.

Beardfarts II

I thought that all of our .govs and obama boob seekers would want to know that I have shaved off my beard. It was way too itchy, and didn't look as good as it did when I was in college. Go figure. If anyone takes issue with the shaving and would like to dare me to regrow my beard I will be listening.

Beardfarts

I'm growing a beard. I'm married. I'm at the 4 day mark. It's starting to get itchy. You enjoy my beard.

Really Good Peanut Butter Farts

I don't know Dave, the author of this blog post. And I don't usually get excited for peanut butter. I mean, it's fine, it's particularly good on celery in my opinion, but I don't often use it.

But the sheer passion for the product in this post makes me thing otherwise. To wit:

I have shared with jars of peanut butter my most private hopes and dreams. When I smell peanut butter, freshly toasted and bubbling into the nooks and crannies of an English Muffin, I feel the way I did when, during Three Times a Lady at an eighth grade dance, I first found the courage to slide my sweaty palms down past the small of a back to the gloriously tight rear pockets on a pair Chemin de Fers.

Wow. Dave, whoever you are, you have earned yourself the esteemed title of Honorary Weddingfarter of the Day. Mazel Tov.

Hat fart: Andrew Sullivan.

Deadspin Fart Farts

Dear .govs,

In keeping with the essential mission of this blog, I feel duty bound to direct your attention to this link.

Beloved Recent Nostalgia Farts

Scenes from the Season . . .

Beloved Recent Nostalgia Farts

Scenes from the Season . . .

Live Blog: Calling Best Buy and Circuit City for Wiifarts

Wii is harder to find than good pizza in LA.  I will now call Best Buy.

All times are Pacific:

1:09pm - hang up phone with weddingfarts

1:09pm - Look up nearest Best Buy via store locator

1:10pm - Dialing

1:10pm - Lady computer answers

1:10pm - press 3 for sales associate

1:11pm - still ringing

1:12pm - back to lady computer voice

1:12pm - press 3 again

1:13pm - Lady answers phone and says that they have no Wii.  She has no idea when Wii will be available.  I hate that lady.

1:13pm - Look up nearest Circuit City via Store Locator

1:15pm - Lady computer answers

1:15pm - press 3

1:15pm - press 8 for games

1:16pm - press 2 again for games

1:16pm - ringing

1:16pm - "hello, we are not available right now, please call again"   Disconnected.  Awesome.

1:17pm - Try again.  Press 3 again.  Pressed 0 for operator.  Operator says that they have none and have no idea when they will get in.

I'm starting to get upset by this.

Our Beloved's website has crappy writingfarts

The following is from an article on our beloved's website. 

"The one area where Buffalo's line may look to improve their play further is run blocking. Marshawn Lynch was forced to earn the majority of his yards this past season."

I don't want to say that the writer is a dumbass, but I was under the impression that running back's (like Marshawn Lynch) in the NFL earned the majority of their yards by running. 

Losman Wants Out. Whatever.

As other NFL teams get to keep playing into the new year, our beloved has begun its traditional January season of surprise departures, finger pointing, and recriminations. Marv is leaving us, which makes us sad. And now Losman wants out. To which Beloved Nation says: whatever.

Sure, go. But quit whining. You say you never got enough support from the team. That may be because you aren't very good at football. The fans in Western New York are desperate. Believe me, we would have embraced you if you didn't so often run backwards and fall down. Yes, you lost your job twice-- to Kelly Holcomb (!) and a rookie. But you took most of the snaps for two seasons for an NFL team. And your body of work when you had the ball just wasn't so impressive. The long ball was great, but too often you looked confused and broke the play. We all saw it-- it was on tv. So we're going in a different direction.

It's nothing personal, believe me. You showed that you were willing to make a commitment to the city of Buffalo, which we all liked. I hope that you find a team that embraces you, and that you prove everyone wrong. But you had your chance in Buffalo. Apparently, it wasn't going to happen for you here. You weren't entitled to anymore than you got from us. If you're still confused by what happened, give a call to Drew Bledsoe, Charlie Frye, Jake Plummer, Chad Pennington, or Joey Harrington.

Good luck, JP, wherever you end up.

Sailor Jacket Weddingfarts (NOW WITH UPDATE FARTS)

The wedding was great: the food was delicious, the music was fun, the bride and groom and families were all happy, and the friends were behaved. It was very well documented. Sailor jacket was sweaty-- I'm not sure how many shirts he went through in the end, but it was more than one-- and there were no reports of any errant weddingfarts.**

I, unfortunately, was pretty broken throughout the affair. We're still not quite sure what happened, but I actually would have been grateful for a few more weddingfarts in the end. So it goes. Nothing stopped me from smiling all night at the thought of sailor jacket married-- and to a wonderful woman at that.

Mazel tov to sailor jacket and man boobs. You've both done this blog proud.

**UPDATE FARTS: While there were no weddingfarts by the groom at the wedding itself, reports indicate that sailor jacket had the weddingfart of the year immediately after the wedding. At brunch, wife of sailor jacket remarked that, upon entering their wedding night suite, sailor jacket proceeded to have "horrible, horrible weddingfarts."

We hope that sailor jacket has avoided the water on his honeymoon in Mexico.

On the Edge of Weddingfarts

Sailor Jacket is getting married today. In fact, I'm supposed to be at the hotel now, but I got caught up ironing his tallis. I need to let everyone know, though, that sailor jacket is attempting to make weddingfarts history today: lunch was chicken wings and a salad. The hotel where the wedding is taking place has been around since the 1800s; it's one of the oldest buildings in Austin. It surely has never experienced the weddingfarts that it will experience tonight. For that matter, neither has sailor jacket.

God speed, sailor jacket. I speak on behalf of all .govs and obama boob seekers that make up the weddingfarts community: we are very, very proud of you.

real life weddingfarts

I'm in Texas.  I'm getting married in 4 days.  I'm farting.  A lot.

Holiday Fun Farts

A list of famous people saying dumb things. Yoo-hoo!

Explaining the Tension Farts

You're probably wondering why everything has seemed so tense at weddingfarts this week. Even though most of us haven't been posting much this week, you keen .govs can probably feel the stress and uncertainty behind our silence.

I'll explain. Something is happening that has never happened here before. No, not the impending wedding of one of our correspondents-- we've been through that and came out mostly unscathed (although I personally still have nightmares of decorating man boob's golf cart). What is going on is even more serious than marriage. (Although not as serious as babies.)

I'm talking about the fantasy football (a.k.a. "tasia") championship round between me and sailor jacket this weekend. We don't talk much about fantasy football here, because to do so would be uncouth (and because I didn't really ask man boobs if wanted to help with my team this year, so I try not to bring it up around him. Man boobs: now that I'm in the finals, I'm never asking for your help again).

It's intense. There hasn't been such conflict between me and sailor jacket since we fought over [REDACTED] in 1994. But these days, everyone fights over [REDACTED]. So, in some ways, this is the biggest conflict we've ever had. And a week before sailor jacket's wedding, no less. Heady times.

Let me note that sailor jacket deserves a certain modicum of praise for the way that he has conducted his team this year. I'm pretty sure no one has ever tried to win a tasia championship with a Jewish quarterback before. Still, I'm angry about Thanksgiving week, and plan on winning this weekend (note: when I say things like that, I usually lose).

I want to ease the tension around here, in honor of the holidays. So I propose this. Hero of Beloved has been going around pledging to keep the Beloved where they belong. But we all know that Hero of Beloved isn't that rich, even though he owns a bar in Buffalo. He says he can get the money, but he also said that we'd win a few Superbowls.

I hereby pledge any tasia winnings to Hero's efforts to keep the Beloved in Buffalo, although maybe move them a little closer to Rochester too. Sailor jacket-- will you do the same?

iphone?

You can never say never, so there is a chance that someday I will continue to immerse myself in a pool of douche by getting an iphone.

I'm intrigued by it, but now I'm not so sure. I read something about how they could be adding GPS to it. The way that they would do that is by adding something called a dongle. I'm not sure what a dongle is, but I can see a few things happening.

Q. Hey what's that on your iphone?
A. Oh it's my dong-le

Q. What is that lying on your car seat?
A. My dong-le

Q. How do you get to DC Wingos?
A. I don't know. Let me check out my dong-le

Q. Shit we're lost in Phoenix, what are we going to do? It seems like they moved the freeway
A. I don't even think that my dong-le is gps-y enough to figure out the Phoenix freeway system.

BillsBrownsfarts

Enough of the Mitchell Report. Roger Clemens took steroids. He's 45 years old and probably has no balls at this point. He also has 4 kids or so whose names start with the letter K. Power to him for naming his kids with K names and for loving baseball so much that he wanted to play forever. Based on the aches and pains that I feel as a 29 year old who is as inactive as possible, I would be intrigued with something that made me feel like I was 23. Granted, I would never partake because I'm afraid of needles.

Here is the first ever Weddingfarts "Big Bills Game" preview.

This Sunday: Bills vs. Browns

The last time the Bills played the Browns this person was the QB.




He was awesome. We always felt like the game was ours with Jim Kelly leading the way. There was also Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, Bruce Smith, Darryl Talley, Kent Hull, Will Wolford, and Mark Kelso (double helmet Mark)

The Browns were led by sidearm Bernie.

The Bills won and Don Beebe bounced off of his head. That was really scary as an 11 year old. I thought he was dead.



Now the Bills have a quarterback who threw 4 touchdowns last week (double wristband Trent), Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and some people on defense.



Watching the Bills gives me intense uncertainty. They aren't very good. They are very mediocre. Yet somehow they stay in the game. Dick Jauron looks like a corpse, but apparently he is a decent coach. Either that or he is very lucky.

The Bills probably won't win on Sunday, but it could be close. Especially if Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis (who is terrifying. Did you see his touchdown run against the Jets last week?), Braylon Edwards (who brotherfart has on his fantasy team and is very pleased with), and Kellen Winslow Jr. all play at least mildly well.

The Browns and Bills are in similar situations. Both teams on the rise who are playing over their heads. The prediction is this:

Browns 27
Bills 17

It's been a rough dayfart

As the national pastime crumbles before our eyes here is something that will never let us down.

And Now On A Serious Note Fart

NOTE: POST UPDATED BELOW.

So, a few preliminaries: I haven't been a fan of baseball all of my life, although I've been a serious fan since I lived in Boston and got sucked into the losing ways of the Boston Red Sox (which turned out to only last through the first year of my rooting for them. Who knew?). And I've been pretty bored of the Barry Bonds/Steroids story-- yes, steroids are bad, but it's a complicated issue when you get down to it, because it's not very clear where acceptable "enhancement"-- and even acceptable cheating-- should end and where unacceptable cheating should begin. I mean, steroids clearly falls on one side of that line, but it's hard to make a moral issue out of it when you're looking at the picture of how people succeed in baseball.

With that said, I was a lot more affected than I expected to be when I saw the list of players that-- rumor has it (AND BY THIS I MEAN I AM NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE ON ANY LIST HAS USED STEROIDS, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT RUMORS I'VE HEARD)-- will be named in the Mitchell Report. It included a lot of players that I loved to watch play and rooted (and still root) strongly for. I felt cheated and shocked. Which I guess is the point of the whole exercise. This is going to be a lot harder for baseball and the sports world to deal with than I had initially thought.

Where is the list? You can find it on various sports gossip sites, and the real list is coming out soon enough. I'm not posting it here, because every player on the list is calling their lawyer right now, and I have enough work to do as it is.

UPDATE: Well, the official list is out, and it appears, at least in my quick glance, to be quite different in some respects than the rumor list. I also note that it does not even appear that all of the listed players are necessarily accused of having used steroids. So take it for what it is, which might not be very much at all. Still, a lousy day to be Roger Clemens.

Fairchildfarts

The guy who couldn't made JP look good and who had Trent fall into his lap is leaving the Bills.  In my opinion that makes for some good news.  Good luck to the entire state of Colorado .  Expect a few fumbles, interceptions, and general flailing.

Review Fart - Kinoko No Yama

This afternoon I was walking around a Japanese grocery store with some co-workers and I spotted a fanciful container covered with dancing chocolate mushrooms floating over softly rolling hills speckled with quaint cottages and lush greenery. The packaging was so intriguing that I had to purchase a box. My co-workers were surprised at my choice in snacks, to say the least. To our delight, the mushrooms were delicious. The chocolate cap is fresh and creamy and the cookie stalk keeps your fingers free of any chocolate residue. It was a wonderful snack experience which I highly recommend to everyone - especially gentle .gov's looking for unique, non-messy ways to satisfy their chocolate cravings.

Awesomefarts

I watched this before I left for work. It made things better. Did I mention that I'm getting fillings today? Super, right?

This video made getting filling ok.

knotfarts

Every 2-3 weeks I wake up with a knot in the same place in my back.  Near my shoulder.  It sucks.  Today is one of those days.  Here are just a few other reasons why my day could be semi-shitty.

*****All of the following has happened in the last hour*****

1.  I have a knot in my back that hurts.
2.  It is 8am on a Sunday and I'm already showered and thinking about how crappy my previous hour was.
3.  I carried hula hoops in to work.
4.  I carried puzzles in to work.
5.  Somehow my sleeve got all wet.
6.  My breakfast was two pieces of cheese and two slices of roast beef.
7.  I listened to NPR.
8.  I forgot my ipod.
9.  I then listened to the radio and heard the shittiest song ever.  Something by Moron 5 (yes I know it's Maroon (yes I'm bitter))

.govs, have a better beginning of your day than I have.

sense of humorfart

It seems like several players on our beloved have a sense of humor. That's good.

CUPCAKE DAY!!!

In an effort to increase efficiency, decrease costs, and maintain a minimum level of morale, my client has implemented a cupcake birthday policy. Today happens to be cupcake day for the 4th quarter. So, without further adieu....

Happy Birthday to October, November, & December babies!!!!

(Wedding Farts - you probably thought that I forgot all about you)

Excuse me while I go claim my cupcake.

On a more serious notefart

Around the weddingfart quality control center we think about 5 things:

1.  Farts
2.  Lunch
3.  Dinner
4.  Our beloved
5.  Rocky 3

However we have all been following the progress of Kevin Everett and are happy to tell you that things are looking much much better than originally reported.  Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com you should know that we've been pulling for you.  Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com we would love to eat wings with you.

ColdFarts: Day 4

Day 4 of cold hell has been snot day. My nose is the most productive thing about me today. It's like a fucking magic show. Oh, here's a tissue! Blow! What? I have to blow again? What the fuck!?

I know you don't really want to hear about my snotty nose. But I can't remember what I had for lunch today because I couldn't taste it. So you'll have to bear with me.

So, to make up for this grossness I introduce you to my favorite NFL-season Thursday afternoon feature: Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo. Beware, gentle .govs, he says some pretty awful things that are NSFW, as they say. So, if you're keeping score at home: Monday brings Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column, Tuesday brings Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column as well as Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column Tuesday Edition, Wednesday usually brings a Sports Guy post as well as Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column Wednesday edition (now on a bi-weekly basis), Thursday is owned by the Dick Joke Jambaroo, Friday is Simmon's football picks (now too late to be helpful in pick'ems because of the Thursday night games that I'll never to get to see), Saturday is Shabbat, and Sunday, well there are actual football games on Sunday, in addition to a lot of talking about them.

Now back to blowing my nose.

ColdFarts

I've been in cold hell for the past three days. What's that like? I'll tell you:

First day: I think I'm going die. Doesn't everyone feel this way? Is this going to last forever? I think it's going to last forever.

Second day: Wow, yesterday was awful, I must feel better today. Let's get up, we'll get out of bed . . . wait, fuck. I feel like I'm going to die. Told you this was going to last forever.

Third day: That wasn't so bad, a two-day cold. At least I didn't have a lot of snot. Ach-hoo. That's funny, I wasn't sneezing much yesterday. Ach-hoo. Ach-hoo. Oh good, snot. Why does my head still hurt?

Earlyfarts?

For the first time in quite some time I'm not running 10 minutes late.  I'm running 10 minutes early.  I've never been in this situation before.  .gov's, loyal weddingfarters help me out.  What do you do when you are running 10 minutes early?

Here's what I've done so far and I still have 4 minutes to spare:

1.  Thought about breakfast and lunch
2.  created a fantasy NBA team
3.  Looked at facebook
4.  cleared my throat
5.  Made sure I have all my stuff ready for work.

This is pretty excitingfart

They exist. Probably my biggest fearfart

Survey Fart

If you had to give up either beef or dessert, which would you choose?

	Beef
	Dessert
Free polls from Pollhost.com

NOTE: This decision would be effective for the rest of your natural life. Giving up beef would mean that you could never stick another fiber of cow flesh into your mouth - including hamburgers, t-bones, meatballs, and prime rib. Dessert covers every single sweat and delicious treat you can think of, from chocolate Bon Bons to key lime pie.

Laundryfarts and meat dietfarts

It is certainly nice to have a resurgence here for team weddingfarts.  We're back and 1 month from the upcoming sailor jacket nuptials.  We'll document the farts as they come up.

First off:  Laundryfarts

My laundry room has been in constant use today.  Fiancee and I did about 7 loads.  That's 7 loads washed at $1.25 and 7 loads dried at $7.00.  That's $16.50.  You can get several awesome burgers for $16.50.

The point is that life was a lot better from 1996-2002 when I did laundry once every 1 1/2 months.

Chicks and .gov's totally dig me.

Secondly:  Meat dietfarts

I'm on the meat diet until the nuptials.  It's awesome... meat, cheese, wings.  Only for a month though.  However, it's really interfering with my output.  Everything in the fart department is all in a tither.

Did I mention that I have incredible luck with women and judges?

TMQ Haiku

Regular .gov readers of this site know that I have historically been very enthusiastic about TMQ, the very long football column that was first on Slate, then on ESPN, then on Football Outsiders, then on NFL.com, and then back on ESPN. It contains a lot of information about football, and takes up a huge chunk of Tuesday to read it.

I haven't had much to say about TMQ recently because, well, I'm still feeling guilty about not writing the baseball post in the spring, so I haven't been blogging, and because I'm kind of over the schtick of the TMQ author, Gregg Easterbrook. He writes like an pretentious arrogant prick, and I've usually thought that was mostly an act, but really I'm not sure. The good folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber kind of turned me around on the guy. I still read him, but the spark is gone.

Anyway, this past week, his column hit kind of close to home. It ended thusly:

Bonus Obscure Score: St. John Fisher 38, Curry 7. (Division III playoffs.) Located in Rochester, N.Y., St. John Fisher College has a school of nursing endowed by Robert Wegman, founder of the supermarket chain. Located mainly in non-booming old-industrial areas such as upstate New York and central Pennsylvania, Wegmans are the greatest supermarkets out there. Many Wegmans have entire internal food courts of higher quality than most delis and Italian restaurants. When, oh when, will a Wegmans open near me?

One of the pretentious prick things about TMQ is that he likes to post haikus by his readers. And make no mistake, I'm a pretentious prick myself. So I sent this email to TMQ:

Gregg,

Please do not despair
Wegmans abounds in NoVA
And soon: Frederick.


http://www.wegmans.com/about/storeLocator/


Cheers,

Weddingfarts (in Washington, D.C., by way of Rochester, N.Y.)

To which I received an automated response from TMQ promoting his book that has nothing to do about football. To which I say: eh. (I'd post the response here, but I haven't asked for his permission, and I think that's poor blog etiquette. I may be a prick, but I'm always polite.)

DMV Pickup Lines

For some reason I started thinking about this while standing in line at the DMV today. I have already found the love of my life, so they are of no use to me, but I'm always looking out for my fellow farts. Happy hunting, lonely .gov's:

1) Lets save us a trip and change your name and address while we're here

2) I can't wait to tell our kids that we met in line at the DMV

3) I got a DUI and ran over a kitten. What are you doing here?

4) I'm an organ donor.

Welcome, New Weddingfarters

These are recent Google searches which have brought kind and well meaning readers to our blog:

fart website
creation of the cheeseburger
weddingfarts
pull my finger fred
east coast patch
what to expect on first day of jury duty in florida

I'm glad that we can be of service to so many. Another fun weddingfarts fact: we are also one of the top rated blog on google for "losman farts."

Keep up the good work.

Ribs, Y'all

I was feeling a bit warn down this afternoon so we decided to go eat some BBQ. We went to Thompson Brothers, a hole-in-the wall establishment that a couple of frat boys from UGA opened up two years ago. Their sauce is sweet and tangy, their sliced pork is pink and juicy, and their bologna sandwich is rated #1 in Atlanta. I guess those Dawgs are good at more than just football.

NOTE: Nothing makes a computer programmer feel better than sucking the meat and fat off of a bone that recently belonged to a well fed pig.....except of course for the release of Visual Studio 2008 coupled with the new 3.5 .NET Framework. Did someone just whisper "Silverlight" into my ear?

The Elevator

I have always strived to be a true romantic. I write poetry that involves kisses so soft that you can't even feel them. I create elaborate birthday gifts with separate compartments for each of the senses. I call ahead to hotels to have flowers and chocolate laid out on our bed. I even create whipped-cream hearts on every pastry, pie, and strawberry covered pancake I've ever served to my bride. Then came the elevator.

The building that I work in has a bank of six elevators, three on each side of the wall. Every morning we gather on the first floor and wait for an elevator to arrive. Before the elevator doors open, an arrow pointing upwards is illuminated followed by a faint beep. The elevators are a bit spread out and the loading cycle is short so you need to move quickly once the doors start opening. Once inside the elevator, there is small flat-screen monitor that displays news, interesting facts, and trivia. It is imperative that you secure a spot on the elevator with a good view of the television.

The problem is that down south, the rule of thumb is to always let the girl go first. Always. As we approach the elevator, all of the guys step to the side and let the girls get on first. Even if you have been waiting 45 seconds and the girl has only waited 10 seconds, she is guaranteed a spot on the elevator. I understand the rationalization - they give birth to babies and deal with blood and mucus on a monthly basis - they should get preference here.

Where I take offence, however, is when it is time to get off. Since the girls loaded first they are now at the back of the elevator. Every stop we make, the guys part so that if a girl is getting off, she can go first. Everyone steps out of the way and watches as the girl squeezes through and walks down the hall. Then the guys follow, usually with their eyes fixated on the back of the girl in front of them.

It's ridiculous for many reasons. First off, it would be faster for everyone if the guys exited the elevator first. In the warehousing industry it is known as LIFO - Last In, First Out. The analogy often used to describe LIFO is a crowded elevator (as explained in the first paragraph of this article).

Secondly, the end result of this policy is a bunch of guys staring at some poor girl's back end. If it were my wife in the elevator, I would much prefer the guys exit first before she struts her stuff down the hall. Sometimes the guys even snicker to each other after the girl has left. It's disgusting.

Finally, if you are one of the poor soles who needs to stay on the elevator you are forced into a very stressful position. Either you can press yourself uncomfortably against the wall so that the girl has enough room to squeeze by or you can exit the elevator to make room. Exiting the elevator is dangerous since no one is certain if you are getting off or getting out of the way. First, everyone thinks you are a jerk for not letting the girl get off first. Next, you have to rush back inside the elevator so that it does not take off without you.

I still believe in romance. I will continue to complement my wife's haircut without her having to ask and give her a kiss on her forehead before I turn off the bed-stand lamp. However, I refuse to subject myself to one more day of this elevator fiasco. From here on out, I'll be taking the stairs.

Our Long Regional Nightmare is Over

From Two Bills Drive:

Edwards Named Starter
BuffaloBills.com reports: 'Dick Jauron announced Monday that Trent Edwards will start vs. the Washington Redskins.'

I thought so

We Believe

I interrupt our long silence to bring you this message from Jim Kelly:

"As fans of the Buffalo Bills, we talk about community. That's one of the reasons I stayed in Buffalo NY is because of the people. That's why Thurman moved back to the area My wife is from here, Thurman's wife is from here, Patti. We guarantee you, and I not only mean me, but Steve Tasker who lives here also but Thurman Thomas - he moved back here. We will make sure, we can almost guarantee that the Buffalo Bills will never leave Western New York."

Hells yeah. That is the best news I've seen about the Bills in weeks-- and it doesn't even really mean anything. Kelly went on to add:

Wow, J.P. Losman is a terrible football player. I don't know where he learned to run backwards and fall down like that. Certainly wasn't from me.*

*Kelly didn't actually say these things. Don't sue us, .govs.)

Bills' Everett Reportedly Able to Walk

It's true: see here.

Things are really turning around for our beloved.

Happy Boss Day Farts

I just arrived back to my office from a meeting, and I found a tin of good Danish cookies and a note from my secretary wishing me a Happy Boss's Day. The present made me feel good, because I like cookies, and terrible, because I'm sure that there must have been a secretary's day that I missed somewhere along the way. One thing is sure, though: I'm not getting my bosses anything for this boss's day.

In other, lunchfart news: instead of my usual roast beef on rye, I got a chicken salad on wheat. Boring, you think? Not when you also ask for sprouts and avocado, bitches.

Mazelfarts

Man Boobs took the plunge.  A mazelfart for you.  1 down and 2 to go for your fearless weddingfarts correspondents. 

All reports say that Man Boobs had successful nuptials, but we are unclear about the farts.

Man Boobs WeddingFarts, Part II

Things to know about weddingfarts in Destin: there is a Michael's here, in case you need to decorate a golf cart getaway car. You don't really want to spend your morning at Michael's, but sometimes you end up there anyway. The gulf of mexico is wonderful for swimming, but jelly fish aren't. Bloody Marys are delicious, and I play good endings on guitar.

As for food: I was shown the magic of mixing Frank's Red Hot and butter together last night. I can't believe I've never done that before. I had been lead to believe that making chicken wings involved Splenda, but that is clearly very wrong. It couldn't be farther from the truth, in fact: as we discussed last night, the magic of a perfect chicken wing turns on the quality of the chicken and the skill of the fry, not the sauce.

Sometimes it takes a trip to Destin-ation, Florida to find out that you've had the ability to make the magic sauce in my own kitchen all of this time, even without Splenda.

Oh the dentist... that sucks

That's the response I get whenever I have to go to the dentist.  The dentist is horrible.  I really hate it.  We've all been there.  In the fucking dumb up and down chair.  An then the scraping.  The scraping sucks, and then they catch gum, and then they use the fucking chunky toothpaste (polish).  Hate it.  It's impossible not to put your teeth together after the fucking chunky toothpaste (polish).  There is nothing grosser than that bullshit grit.  I hate it so much.  And then, to add insult to injury, they floss, and it feels like they are pulling your head in half.  Fucking dentist bullshit.

Man Boobs WeddingFarts, Part I

I'm in Destin-ation, Florida for Man Boobs' wedding. There is a lot to talk about already, like fried shrimp sandwich for breakfast, but I can't talk about everything right now. The important thing to know is that conversations like this happen:

(Driving with Man Boobs, we pass several of the "Wings" stores in Florida that sell boob and beer t-shirts and tchockes)

Weddingfarts: These signs for "Wings" are really frustrating. They're making me really hungry, and then disappointed because these stores don't actually sell wings.

Man Boobs: I know. It's like when I used to go pick my sister up from "Brownies."

Tonight

I learned some things tonight.

I watched the Bills game.  It was awesome in a different kind of way. 

Our beloved should not have been able to even hang with the Cowboys.  They did anyway. 

I think that Trent Edwards is our quarterback of the future.

Oven Baked wings can be a solid replacement to fried wings.  Not always as good, but they are a good second, slightly healthier, option.

Fiancee is a Bills fan.  I didn't know that before.  She was blown away by Jauron calling the doodoo cheater timeout before the last second fieldgoal attempt.

And we're back

Friends and .govs,

We have been gone far too long. We can explain: man boobs is getting married at the end of this week. Sailor Jacket is busy organizing his chuppah. And I am lazy and full of law.

That and our beloved are having a very challenging year. Well, not so much challenging so far as hopeless. It will be a sign of success for this team if all of our players are able to walk again someday. So, whereas you may have expected that the first five weeks of the football season would have been fruitful ones for this blog, given that we write about nothing but lunch, stains, and our beloved, we've had nothing to say.

Until now.

Our beloved play tonight, in their first Monday night game at home in 13 years. We don't expect much at all. But the glory of tonight is that we have no idea what to expect: we have a new quarterback, and we're just not sure yet if he is totally fucking awesome or incredibly unimaginably fucking awesome. So strange things might happen. And we're playing Bum, son of Bum, so we're nervous and hungry, and a little nauseous.

Yes, we have another quarterback, too, but when our new backup tight end say things like this:

Just how good was rookie quarterback Trent Edwards last week?

“He was excellent. I mean, you’ve got veteran quarterbacks that can’t do what he does. I just expect more excellent things from him.”

You begin to think that we'll never see JP "Run Backwards and Fall Down" Losman play again for the Bills. But then again, our new backup tight end also says things like this:

What’s you idea of a relaxing day?

“Just sitting back, listening to my music, and looking at the sky, especially here in Buffalo.”

Jury Duty Day 1

Here's what I know about jury duty so far:

You always have to pee
The Lawyers don't look like my lawyer
Everyone hates everything
The judge is funny
The lawyer asked my what my favorite sports team was
The lawyer asked me what my favorite movie was
The food sucks.
You get knots in your back

What I learned in Columbus, OH

Columbus kicked my ass a little.  Here are a few things that I learned:

1.  Skybus airlines is new.  And ridiculous.  They have the nerve to charge $10 for a half wrap.  Do I seem like the kind of person that would be satisfied with a half wrap??

2.  Everyone in Columbus knows a shitload about transfat.  I don't know why.  They all talk about it all the time.  I'm from LA and I don't know anything about Transfat.

3.  When you visit Columbus you will have a small piece of crusty bread go down the wrong pipe and you will make a gigantic scene in the restaurant as you cough and try to clear your airway.  Guaranteed.  Happens every single time.

4.  You will eat a giant burger at a place called Thurmans.  The burger will be the best burger you have ever had

5.  Col will suggest buying a 6 pack of good beer.  That good beer is not as good as Miller Light

6.  Col will make wings that are awesome.

7.  Col was blown away by the Rochester flat eating method.

8.  Watching Rocky III is in no way a passive movie watching experience.

9.  Everyone has a cat in Columbus.  That shit makes no sense.  For some reason one of the cats really liked me.  The cat kept jumping up into my lap.  I'm not really a cat guy.  Col thought it was hilarious.

10.  After you tell someone where you live in Columbus you are automatically asked who your landlord is.  That shit made zero sense.  "Oh I live in the German Village."  "Oh really?  Who is your landlord?"

11.  There is an awesome video store in Columbus.  It has a shitload of videos.  However, there is a major flaw in their system.  They  did not carry Teen Wolf.

Where gmail sent me today

It has been a long time since gmail sent me somewhere.  However, today gmail sent me to a place that gave me an idea.  I want to open a Chain restaurant that looks shitty even by my standards.

Fatness

Tomorrow I travel to COLumbus, Ohio to see Col and Dread Pirate David.  You may be asking why I know two people in Columbus, OH?  I don't have an answer.  Just lucky I guess.  I do know a few things about this trip though:

1.  I'm going to eat wings.
2.  Col is going to make them
3.  It's going to be 100 degrees.
4.  Dread Pirate and I will look at Youtube clips for 5 straight hours.
5.  I will not eat Hot Clucker Spuds
6.  I will not eat Taco Ninja
7.  I will probably watch 5 out of 6 Rocky movies.  Remember 5 is never to be discussed.
8.  I might watch Teen Wolf/Teen Wolf 2
9.  Do not call Marty McFly Chicken

What We've Been Waiting For, Besides the Actual Start of the Season

It's here, gentle .govs. The Deadspin Buffalo Bills Season Preview. I wholly endorse it.

And everyone should find the video of Marshawn Lynch doing his thing at Cal on You Tube. It'll make you happy and hopeful. Which is what August in the NFL is all about.

Roger Clemens, HA HA HA HA

Man Boobs, this is for you.

Oh hell, it's for everyone. .govs, enjoy!

Rochester: The Most Wonderful Place On Earth

Flying home from Boston recently, I was pleased to discover that The Rock is finally getting the attention and recognition that it deserves-- in a 20 page full color profile in US Airways Magazine.

I suggest that all of you, including you .govs out there, book a ticket on US Airways as soon as possible so that you can read about Rochester in all of its glory on the written page. Of course, if you don't have the time to fly anywhere, you can just read the whole thing online.

Always remember: Rochester is perfect, but summer camp is home.

What happens at camp

The thing about camp is that it doesn't really change. 

There are new buildings, but that's not the point.

The kids are still kids.

The counselors are still kids.

The food still makes you run for it.

I've also never sweat as much as I have at camp this summer. 

some highlights:

Watching New Clerk eat pizza on the subway in NYC.
Eating BBQ in Jackson, Miss.
Being in Hell.  I've seen it.  It's in NY.  It's not Subway.
eating various fried poultry in the greater Washington DC area.
Watching the hot dog eating contest.
Watching the documentary of how hot dog eaters eat hotdogs.
Cookie Cake.

Awesome.

Once Again, A Step Or Two Ahead of You, Sports Guy

In a recent chat, The Sports Guy writes:

Michael (DC): How have you not said a word yet about the Hot Dog Eatting on the 4th of July. If that wasn't a 9.5 or higher on the unintentional comedy scale, what is?

Bill Simmons: I would love to watch a show that explains how these guys can swallow that much food while shoving more food in their mouth and chewing it. Seriously, I'd love to see a show with computer graphics that shows the inside of their mouths, their jaws, their stomachs and esophaguses and how the food gets processed to the point that it can be swallowed. It's absolutely amazing. And what would happen if someone choked to death during the contest? Has this happened and we just never read about it? Why wouldn't it happen all the time?

Not to brag-- well, to brag a little bit. Just the other day, sailor jacket and fuckface were at my apartment to tear apart a bucket of wings, and we watched THE SHOW THAT SIMMONS JUST DESCRIBED. It included not only an explanation of what competitive eaters do, but computer graphics, AND real time pictures of the amazing things that happen inside Eater X from time to time. If that weren't enough, the show also featured Bubba, an eater wannabe who apparently doesn't find family life quite fulfilling enough, even though they seem like nice, thoughtful people. (I give his wife two more years with Bubba if he keeps this up, and no chance at custody). It's on the National Geographic Channel-- I suggest you check it out.

But probably not after eating a huge amount of wings. That was actually a mistake.

From a friendfart

Our friend Col has written a post about chicken wings that we thought
we should share with you. Here it is. Col lives in a city in Ohio.
He's lived there for 10 years. There's something to be said about
living in a mid-size city. Now, some wisdom and words from Col:

Wing Tip Farts...

What's the deal with chicken wing places that don't cut the tips off
their wings? Is there a reason for it or is it pure laziness? As a
fat guy, I'm not saying it isn't joyful to suck the grease and sauce
off the tips, but come on! The tips make the wing very difficult to
eat. Can anyone offer a reasonable explanation as to why some
restaurants feel the need to challenge the eater of arguably the
greatest food in the world?

Obama Boobs

At first I thought this was a picture of Obama's head transposed on my body. My decision has been made - man boobs for president.