Craphole Live Star Warts Phantom Menace Blog

Editors note: The Weddingfarts movie and film lab apologize for another Star Wars entry. It was on HBO when the TV was turned on. I already forsee three problems. 1. No Chewie, 2. No Han, 3. No Ewoks. Let the horrible begin. All times are Pacific Standard.

By the way, last night I had Buffalo Chicken Tenders... They were the wrong choice.

9:57am: Qi Gon or whatever just used a Jedi Mind Trick on a robot. Is that possible?

10:01am: Everything looks really fake. All the computer generated garbage is annoying. Jar Jar just stepped in poop. I'm incredibly sorry I'm doing this.

Just look at Jar Jar. I could destroy.

10:04am: Jar Jar just got kicked in the nuts by a little robot. You know as much as Jar Jar is horrible in the last 3 minutes he stepped in poop and got kicked in the nuts by a little robot.

10:08am: Annakin just talked shit to Sebulba. He's a very sophisticated 8 year old. He actually says "careful Sebulba, he's a big time Outlander." What? He's a crossover Japanese import that was recently redesigned? 28mpg on the Highway bitches.

10:12am: Darth Maul, sweet makeup. Douche.

10:12am: Weddingfarts may be getting this.

10:13am: Annakin had a dream that he was a Jedi and then came back to Tattoine and freed all the slaves. Now I get it, they're showing all the Star Wars movies because it's almost Passover and the thematic resemblances between Passover and Star Wars are being exploited to increase the Matzah consumption of HBO's viewing audience. Stay tuned: Next week on Weddingfarts a symposium on uses for Matzah. I'll say it now .gov's if you thought that the Chicken Wing/Chicken Finger debate was intense wait until Weddingfarts, Man Boobs, and I go at it over the best way to prepare Matzah brie and then the best toppings for Matzah brie.

10:15am: Pause to call weddingfarts

10:20am: Annakin's mom calls him Annie. This got me thinking and I realized something. There are not that many "well known Annie's"

10:27am: I just googled Annakin Skywalker. I've been spelling it wrong. Anakin. Further proof that in the Star Wars universe nothing is as it seems. Pod racing scene is starting.

10:28am: An animal just farted in the direction of Jar Jar. Stepped in poop, kicked in the nuts, farted at.

10:32am: I'm pretty sure no mom that I know would let their kid pod race.

10:35am: I remember that when I saw this movie in the theater the highlight was trying to find secret Wookie/Ewok sightings. I should have remembered that when I started this dumbass live blog.

10:39am: Jar Jar says "careful Annie, careful Annie." Meanwhile Anakin's mom just watches and says nothing. She's a non - entity. Sebulba's pod just crashed and he says "fooyoo."

10:43am: I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this anymore, but I made a committment.

10:45am: What I just learned about the actress, Pernilla August, who plays Anakin's mom: "Portrayed Shmi Skywalker (mother of Anakin Skywalker) and Mary of Nazareth (mother of Jesus Christ). Both are women who claim their sons were the product of a virgin birth."

I hate everyone.

Song everyone should listen to: "The Final Comedown" by: Grant Green.

Darth Maul shows up to brawl.

10:54am: Approximately 999 people have visited weddingfarts.blogspot.com. At least 3 of those are not me, weddingfarts, or man boobs.

10:55am: Jedi council meeting; featuring Yoda, Obi-Wan, Qui Gon, and Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. has very watery eyes.

10:58am: Crappy intergalactic council meeting with a lot of people there. The only time in the movie we spot wookies or ewoks... I'm scanning the crowd... there's the bad guy from the first Lord of the Rings movie... there's the queen with a dumbfuck helmet on... there's the creepy fish face guy whose lips don't match up with what he's saying... and... and... booya, two wookies.

11:01am: New friend request on facebook.

11:07am: Anakin: "Come on R2."

11:13am: Big ass battle on Jar Jar's planet. Jar Jar is just made a general and he faints. Steps in poop, kicked in nuts, animal farts at him, and faints.

11:17am: There is a box of Thin Mints in the kitchen. Did Fiancee open them is the question.

11:17am: She did not.

11:19am: This battle scene is pretty sweet. Jar Jar "Steady, steady"

11:22am: Darth Maul unveils the double sided light saber. That's an Ikea style innovation.

11:28am: Jar Jar gets racked in the nuts when he falls on a gun turret. Steps in poop, kicked in nuts, animal farts at him, faints, racked in nuts by gun turret.

11:34am: Anakin blows up the stupid bad guy spaceship. All the bad robots are powerless. The Jar Jar's of the world rejoice. Great.

11:35am: Obi-Wan cuts Darth Maul in half.

11:36am: They just said "trade" and "franchise". I immediately checked our beloved's website and was relieved that we still had Lee Evans.

11:41am: The end.

Editors note: Live Blogging is kind of fun, but maybe it should only be done for a half an hour max. Try it sometime.