Its official

This guy will be on the new surreal life. Fuck yeah, breaking news brought to you by your stupid friends at weddingfarts.

also

stupid balls often look like this

This is an excellent experiment

totally awesome

Bagels and smoked fish

I'm sorry. I can't help myself.

Now I remember

Water in ear. This is why we don't go swimming. Also, the back hair. We are usually considerate enough not to hurt people's eyes with it in public places.

Grammar anus

An informal poll of weddingfarts readers (of which there seem to be two, one from RCN and one from Mediaone) think that grammar is super dumb, and that they hate it. One of those people polled also mentioned a bit of trepidation about the state of their spleen.

so, not mono?

great. The doctor called, and I have strep. It looks like my spleen is safe. Thank goodness. Now I must watch Ray and take a nap.

Weddingfarts was right...

He's right. The world should know. The doctor thinks I might have mono. That is the stupidest thing that a doctor has ever said to me. I really hope that I don't have that. I'm 26 years old. To me, thats like getting chicken pox as an adult. Which happened to someone I know. That shit was whack.
They thought I had mono once before...I threw up in a parking lot that time. I didn't have mono though. Now, this time, I'm really worried that my spleen is going to burst. Thats the stupidest most terrifying thing that a 26 year old can think about. The burstation of the ol' spleen. I mean we've been together for a long time, my spleen and I. She doesn't ask much of me, I don't ask much of her...just don't burst or rupture or whatever the fuck. Which leads me to something else...
A couple of people have been talking about how their significant others don't do anything romantic for them. I think I have the solution. Who cares?

URGENT: I need help

I'm flailing here on my paper. I need weddingfarts help. Please suggest different values that you think are important or that people have even if you don't. Any values. Be creative. Now.

A warning

It's raining outside. I'm sick of my house. I may do something drastic, like go swimming at the gym.

Sore throats and pizza

So yesterday the first game tipped off and I thought to myself "I have a sore throat." As soon as I thought that I got an overwhelming desire to have a pepperoni and black olive pizza. So I did it. I pushed through the pain, and gave it my all. We, the pizza and I, also went to overtime; which some would consider a loss for me. However, I'm well aware that although this is a one shot deal, I have a chance to redeem myself at lunch time today. I can do it. I know I can.

Balls

Camp Job

I'm pretty sure that Jim Kelly could use a communal drumming specialist this summer. . .

Angry

It's sunny outside, which is not something we're used to around here. Don't worry, though-- I'll be paper writing all day. Here is how paper writing goes: play on the internet, play on the internet, call sailor jacket, play on the internet, time for self-loathing, more self-loathing, eat food, sit at computer, turn on work, play on the internet, snoop through housemate's porn, wow he has tons of porn, self-loathing, play on the internet, oh look basketball is on!

Animal Planet :: Dragons

Animal Planet :: Dragons Keep one eye on the sky.

psycho watch

Bobby Fischer is psycho. Watch out. I guess when your really good at chess, your also psycho.

dumb farts

I just posted this huge thing and then weddingfarts ate it. Weddingfarts are like its creators. It will eat everything.

jobs

I just posted this huge thing and then weddingfarts ate it. Weddingfarts are like its creators. It will eat everything.

jobs

if anyone knows of a perspective employer looking for an individual with the following traits please let us at wedding farts know...


Should pretty much hate everyone
Should spend most of the day thinking about food
Should be able to eat a lot
Should be willing to take a lot of time off
Should not want to work more than 25 hours a week
Should prefer wearing cargo pants
Should be willing to relocate to somewhere awesome
Should have a 10 year 100,000 mile powertrain warranty
Should be able to pause Live TV

Thanks for your help,

Team weddingfarts

Is it just me?

Or is every internet site devoted to sports reporting everything possible on Johnny Damon?  Like, Johnny Damon accidentally put on his sock upside down, or Johnny Damon excused himself from practice to take a piss that was a little too yellow, and followed up the piss with a drink of water to get a proper level of hydration.  Don't get me wrong, I really like Johnny Damon, but seriously its ridiculous.

Awesome

I'm really happy when I go to talk to a professor and I discover later that my sweater was insider out. Really, really happy. Really fucking happy.

ass suck

Thats what I think of today. Complete ass suck. However, U2 is one of the
greatest rock bands in the world. Not because anyone really buys their
albums, or that they count from 1 -14 in Spanish while skipping 4-13. Not
because they have an ipod in their honor, not because they have Buffalos in
their videos. Not because I snuck onto the floor at one of their concerts,
not because they own a hotel in Ireland, not because they're Irish, not
because three out of the four members of the band look like they'd be better
suited riding an elevator to their stupid jobs in the valley, not because of
that stupid leather jacket that Bono wears with an American Flag sewn in it.

Rather here is why: Mysterious Ways, In the Name of Love, Stuck in a
Moment, Beautiful Day, and Desire. Those are some of the best songs I've
ever heard, and I've heard a lot of songs. Like my friend Weddingfarts, I
don't listen to tons of U2, but I know a good thing when I hear it.

Balls

I didn't mean weddingcars, no.

Another Nyquil night. I hope I sleep for ten hours again. I also hope the snot and the smelly farts go away.

Secret

Shelton had a sprained knee last season. Sounds like a Buffalo Bill to me! Let's do it.

An inquiry into the metaphysics of rock bands

This is my first post of the day and last post of the night. I welcome the bug with open arms. I have much to say about the ethics of book reading, but that'll wait for tomorrow. I have nothing to say about latte and don't really want latte on blog. But we're open around here. So endulge me this question: Late the other night I watched U2's induction into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame on VH1.. I remembered that I had forgotten about U2. I don't listen to very much U2, although I probably have all of their albums on my ipod. It was late when I watched the VH1 program, so my judgment may have been off. I had the distinct impression that U2 rocks, i.e. they're an awesome, talented band that makes people happy. A few disclaimers: they're not my cup of tea exactly in that I don't pull them up often-- maybe once every few years. And I'm not into the save-the-world, we're a fucking-global-celebrity-phenomenon-so-suck-our-dicks thing. But they have a lot more talent than a lot of other big musicians, they've nailed some songs perfectly, and they can rock.. Achtung Baby got a lot of playing time in Bunk 2 in 1992 if I recall as well. Thoughts on U2? Where do they go in the list? Remember-- someone else brought up lattes. Not wedding farts.

Gas

Gas not really gas.

stink

lattes make stink

Latte

I can't tell if Latte's are stupid.  I've had two in the past 4 days.  I like that they make me fart and burp.  But they're foamy, and I feel a little weird when I order them.  They're not fried either.

Rejoice and gather with the mud bug

I think everyone was curious about spring break shark attack. Wasn't it
starring someone from the OC? I can't remember from the 40 billion
commercials that I saw for it.
Did you know that if you mispell the word "and" it can spell "nad"?

Ethical Dilema

Is it, or is it not OK to buy a book for school, use it for a paper, and then return it to the bookstore?  Where's my lawyer?

bullshit email craphole

So, now I can email directly to blog.  I fucking hate blog.

bald

trying again. This is stupid.

fart

Fart .com Games Jokes Riddles

AdSense

if we signed up for adsense that would match weddingfarts up with relevant advertising. What the crap advertisors would want to advertise on weddingfarts? I know...dumb advertisors. Shit, but maybe we'd get endorsed by nalgene, and we'd all get 1,000 nalgene bottles. Or maybe I should go write my paper.

Wake Forest

I am really really glad that my bracket is fucked. Really glad. Bullshitasses. I'm also glad that we have a counter on this craphole thing, because now we can be sure that no one will read this horsecackie. We like it better that way. I'm going to practice making a link thing. you should read espn everyday...

Connecticut

I added site meter to blog just to make sure that no one looks at it. Awesome.

Dumb phone internet technology

did you know that you can send directions from yahoo maps to your phone?  I do now.  Does it get any crappier than that?

stupid craphole email

this is just a whole new world of craphole stupidity.

 

 

untitled

So, now I can email directly to blog.  I fucking hate blog

Underpants underpants

Balls balls balls
Finger finger
Nerd-sized booger
Out the window
Traffic shitpains.

And I'm out.

Hotmail try

Stupid cackie in the car.

In other words, Rochester.

We are a little concerned for Bucknell University. They thought it was a good idea to combine the ferocious symbol of the Buffalo Bills (a mean looking cow) with the aggressive color scheme of the Syracuse Orange (a happy, but mean orange). We wish them the best, but mostly wish that they didn't beat Kansas. And I'm never buying maple syrup again. Stupid hippies.

March madness is over.

Brackets are dumb. Or, I'm dumb with brackets. One of the two. I'm taking my oysters and going home. The point is: I still like Jim Boeheim, but slightly less than I did last week.

full

Tonight I ate combo #5 from the Japanese place up the street. It was a lot of food, but I perservered. I ate chicken teryaki, which is slowly but surely rising up the pantheon of foods and shrimp tempura. It was good, and there was a lot of food. For dessert, I had 8 California rolls for 5 bucks. If there's a better meal in town I'd eat that too.

full

Tonight I ate combo #5 from the Japanese place up the street. It was a lot of food, but I perservered. I ate chicken teryaki, which is slowly but surely rising up the pantheon of foods and shrimp tempura. It was good, and there was a lot of food. For dessert, I had 8 California rolls for 5 bucks. If there's a better meal in town I'd eat that too.

March sucks.

I'm happy about Milwaukee. I'm happy about Nevada. I'm not happy about UAB, UCLA, WV, Iowa, or Pitt. I think I'm done. I want my oyster back.

March sucks.

Happy about Milwaukee. Not happy about UAB, UCLA, Iowa, or WV. I think I'm done. I want my oyster back.

Bullshit Electronics

I'm glad that this has become a forum for all of the things that I do on a daily basis. Like for example, today I walked into Circuit City. They didn't have what I wanted, and I asked them if they had it in the back. They said that they didn't. I was pissed.
Then I went to Best Buy. Not only did they have what I wanted but they had like 40 of them. Therefore I could choose by which of the things that I wanted had the nicest packaging. I chose well. I now have over 9 gigabizzles of music to listen to. If I had only listened to wedding farts in the first place, I would have been in much better shape. However, my bracket for the NCAA tournament is by far the winner.

assmints

There is a contest brewing
between my breath and my ass
to see which smells worse
after I eat salad.

Gassy

I'm currently eating salad. Even though the salad has some of my favorite things in it, namely meat and cheese, I'm not very happy right now. Nor is the person sitting behind me.

fun things to do at work

1. wear clothes that fit before the weekend started, but don't fit now.
2. Print articles from ESPN page 2 and leave them in the office shitter, then talk about the articles with people at lunch.
3. type as loud and fast as possible.
4. Listen to classical music on a radio, but make sure the signal is weak and that there is a ton of static.
5. constantly stand up at your cubicle, drawing attention to the fact that your pants are too tight.
6. set your phone on vibrate, leave it on your cubicle desk, and then call yourself incessantly.

these are fun things to do at work. Only one of these things has not been attempted yet today. You figure out which one.

Diet Coke

In a recent study, conducted by myself, Sailor Jacket on myself, Sailor Jacket, it was found that drinking Diet Coke in the morning greatly increases the likelihood of intense shit pains. The type that make you break out into a sweat while at your internship.

Poker, Chicken Wings, Vodka, Blintzes, and Ripe farts

Well, last night we played poker. We started off with 2 dollars and five cents of various coins. You would think with that kind of money on the line we would have been a little bit careful with our spending. However, I, Sailor Jacket, was the first person to lose all that cash. I'm a little pissed about it.
We started the nights with 32 chicken wings. They were good. As a fried food cahnesoooor I thought they were pretty good. The most interesting thing that happened was when I dropped half a piece of celery and couldn't find it. Somehow it ended up in the hallway.
The vodka is pretty self explanatory. Except for the part when I spilled. That was cool.
Our friend brought us blintzes that we're about to eat. Which is really exciting.
I farted a little, and it smelled a lot. For about 5 minutes. It was different.

three balls

There are times when you think that all is lost, that blintzes won't happen, but then you're proved wrong by the good deeds of a friend. There are also times when your friends buy the same jeans as you, which is not nearly as disturbing as when they try to put on the same shirt as you in the morning. There are times when said jeans get wet as well. Whatever you do, don't roll them up.

yeah

my name is sailor jacket, i'll be reporting on fried food.

Fugakyu

Sometimes after you drink scotch and high life all night, and then eat barbecue at two places you need to eat sushi at places called fugakyu. If you find yourself in this situation, you should probably get something with fried snow crab and then something with fried sweet potato. You should top that off with something with spicy salmon. Thats not the point though. The point is that when it snows in Boston your fucking jeans get all wet, which is especially unnerving when your friend wears the same jeans. We have a lot to learn from our experiences at fugakyu.

oysters

So this is the story of the oysters. We didn't all want oysters, or think we wanted oysters, and we didn't want trouble. Which is to say, there was skepticism about visiting two barbeque joints in one night. Opinions were voiced. But we're team players. And in the end, we liked the oysters. Or the horseradish. And definitely the sweet potato pie.

This really is the last blog of the night

We here at Weddingfarts agree that "blog" is by far the stupidest name that could possibly be given to anything. Ever. Kiss our blog.

This is the last blog of the night of the first blog of the rest of your life

It's almost bedtime, although we don't want to admit it. Why? The snoring. But we're going to focus on the right shoulder tonight. We finished the scotch, which isn't as hard as you may think. And we're about to go to work on the tiramisu. But, still, that's not the point. Here's what we really wanted to talk about: the scary sounds outside. We wish they would stop.

This post is dedicated to Doug Flutie, who brought anxious scrambles, end zone drives, and sugary-yet-crispy-in-milk flakes to Western New York. Thank you, Doug, for everything.

The sounds of scotch

Scotch is noisier than many people think. But that's not the point. The issue is that there is not a lot of time to eat everything that needs to be eaten. Like sandwiches with two kinds of pork, sushi feast, and wings. All in the same day day as blintzes. We're pretty sure that the secret is not to let the dawn ruin the day (just make a lot of drunken noise. It works.). Also: bloody mary. A wonderful woman.

blog is dumb.

My ice exploded, they're shooting outside, and I'm scared. It's sad that video game is over. It's not right. But there is always spit. And fart. And food on sweatshirt. Some of us are good at Halo, some are lost. Fist, brunch, lunch, whatever. Let's shoot for Bobby's. Just in case he has blintzes.

halo

Do you know where I am? I'm on the street. There's a grenade launcher there. Don't shoot in the sky. Do you know where I am? I'm in the tank. I'll jump on the tank. I don't have a good weapon. I have to pee. I'm dizzy. Get in the tank.

These are things that are heard when playing halo in sommerville.

pulled pork rebutal

if you are going to eat poolayed pork, remember that your wedding farts will be super ripe.

40 cents

40 cents was the reward. Oysters were eaten. They were weird. Not ment to be chewed, sniffed, but rather licked and swallowed. I think one was stuck in my esophagus for 20 minutes. Fortunately I was able to wash it down with a North Carolina pulled pork sandwich. North Carolina was the reason for the oysters to begin with. There should be a ceremony for each time pulled pork is eaten. I can't drink scotch tonight because I have to drive home. If only driving drunk was as easy and fun as driving drugs. Drugs for my weddingfarts. One day I want to play basketball with hairless people, people with no eyebrows. Who needs eyebrows anyway? just another part of your face to collect dirt.

Some things we discussed

Tonight we talked about a lot of stuff. Like when a LOT of porn was found on our friends computer. An intervention was performed. He said that he didn't know that the porn was there. He probably knew that the porn was there. Now he's getting married. She doesn't know about the porn. We also talked about Jim Boeheim. He loves upstate New York. So do we. We love Chicken Wings. We ate a ton of barbecue tonight. We actually went to two different barbecue places. We love to eat barbecue. Luckily, there were two places for us to eat barbecue in the general vicinity. Then we came home and watched Jim Boeheim. Jim Boeheim's team won. We're proud of that.

So, here's a question, are chicks into finding a ton of porn on a dudes computer?

stupid

we think that blogs are stupid, so we made one. We like to drink scotch and play spit and Halo. We're 26.