Weddingfarts is on location in the hometown.
Lunch was a steak sandwich at the lake with the good meaty hot sauce.
Dinner will be country sweet wings. The real deal.
And Georgetown . . . that's too bad.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Got Milk farts?
Last night I was enjoying a large glass of ice cold 1% milk and I had a flashback to a conversation that wedding farts and I had several months back. According to him, drinking milk for the sake of refreshment is extremely odd. In fact, according to wedding farts, I am the only one he has ever known to drink milk straight up. No cookies, no brownies, no cereal, no PB&J, not chocolate syrup - just the thick, cool, refreshing liquid secreted out of a cow teat. I do prefer when it has been pasteurized at a dairy plant and dumped into plastic bottles. Pasteurizing milk is a cool process if you have never seen it - lots of steam and puddles of milk all over the place. The workers often sport rubber overalls and rubber boots. If you ever go, do NOT breathe through your nose - worst smell ever.
Interesting side note: numerous taste tests have shown that milk tastes best when stored in a dark container. Black is the best, but not too appealing to the consumer. Yellow is a close second, and is used by Mayfield Dairies. You may need to pay a small premium, but totally worth it. NEVER buy milk in a clear PET bottle - always go for the HDPE.
So, we at wedding farts need to know...
Interesting side note: numerous taste tests have shown that milk tastes best when stored in a dark container. Black is the best, but not too appealing to the consumer. Yellow is a close second, and is used by Mayfield Dairies. You may need to pay a small premium, but totally worth it. NEVER buy milk in a clear PET bottle - always go for the HDPE.
So, we at wedding farts need to know...
Ode to Afternoon Coffee
Oh, afternoon coffee
You promise so much:
A moment of awakeness,
A possibility of productiveness,
A taste of morning,
when so much more
should have been done.
Afternoon coffee,
you are a wink of a blip of a spark of a high
followed by a long, low crash
and, sometimes, a sleepless night.
Afternoon coffee,
if only you came with an apple fritter,
I think we'd get along a lot better.
You promise so much:
A moment of awakeness,
A possibility of productiveness,
A taste of morning,
when so much more
should have been done.
Afternoon coffee,
you are a wink of a blip of a spark of a high
followed by a long, low crash
and, sometimes, a sleepless night.
Afternoon coffee,
if only you came with an apple fritter,
I think we'd get along a lot better.
Old Man Patch #2
Here's more proof:
In preparation for vacation, I made a list of things that I have to do. On that list are thing like go to the bank and packing. I am inching closer.
I also laid out all of the chargers that I have to bring for my various electronics. Right now the total is 4. Computer, ipod, camera, phone. I'm starting to think that companies should standardize and make the same charger because this is ridiculous.
In preparation for vacation, I made a list of things that I have to do. On that list are thing like go to the bank and packing. I am inching closer.
I also laid out all of the chargers that I have to bring for my various electronics. Right now the total is 4. Computer, ipod, camera, phone. I'm starting to think that companies should standardize and make the same charger because this is ridiculous.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Almost Vacation
.gov's, friends, people who think I need a hooker. I'm going away for a few days. Austin, Texas and then Chicago. I'm going to eat a lot. I'll keep you all in the know. Don't worry.
Yours forever,
Sailorjacket
Yours forever,
Sailorjacket
Old Man Patch, East Coast Style
I wore a navy camel hair blazer to work this morning. What covered my legs, you ask? Gray slacks, of course.
Old Man Patch
Gracious readers, .gov's, friends... I'm closer to obtaining my old man patch than I ever thought I would be.
What's an old man patch? That's a great question. An old man patch is like a Boy Scout patch. You conquer certain tasks and get closer to your patch.
In the last two days I've done two things that draw me nearer to my old man patch.
1. I got really excited about having an artichoke with dinner. Fiancee made it. She also made a soy sauce/fat free mayonaise dipping sauce. I think it was the act of guilt free dipping that
got me so excited. There was a time when I would dip my chicken wings in blue cheese dressing and feel guilt free. Now? It's special occasions only. French Fries dipped in Ketchup/Ranch/Blue Cheese? I don't even remember the last time. Chicken McNuggets?
Artichokes are really good. You can dip them. Do they deserve the same unfettered excitement that a good egg roll in duck sauce gets? No... unless you're that much closer to your old man badge.
Follow my math... artichoke + guilt free dipping - excitement = 1 step closer to old man patch.
2. I get home from work. I get into my "comfies (as fiancee calls them)." How are my comfies a prelude to an old man patch? It's not the comfies per se. It's the foot wear. See, I leave my dark socks on. Shirt, shorts, old man dark socks. I'm getting closer and closer people.
Old man patch updates will happen sporadically and are even more painful to write about than they are to think about. We haven't even touched on the fact that I sometimes wake up early to go to the gym, or the fact that before I wake up to go to the gym I wake up to pee, or that I really do believe that breakfast could be the most important meal of the day.
What's an old man patch? That's a great question. An old man patch is like a Boy Scout patch. You conquer certain tasks and get closer to your patch.
In the last two days I've done two things that draw me nearer to my old man patch.
1. I got really excited about having an artichoke with dinner. Fiancee made it. She also made a soy sauce/fat free mayonaise dipping sauce. I think it was the act of guilt free dipping that
got me so excited. There was a time when I would dip my chicken wings in blue cheese dressing and feel guilt free. Now? It's special occasions only. French Fries dipped in Ketchup/Ranch/Blue Cheese? I don't even remember the last time. Chicken McNuggets?Artichokes are really good. You can dip them. Do they deserve the same unfettered excitement that a good egg roll in duck sauce gets? No... unless you're that much closer to your old man badge.
Follow my math... artichoke + guilt free dipping - excitement = 1 step closer to old man patch.
2. I get home from work. I get into my "comfies (as fiancee calls them)." How are my comfies a prelude to an old man patch? It's not the comfies per se. It's the foot wear. See, I leave my dark socks on. Shirt, shorts, old man dark socks. I'm getting closer and closer people.
Old man patch updates will happen sporadically and are even more painful to write about than they are to think about. We haven't even touched on the fact that I sometimes wake up early to go to the gym, or the fact that before I wake up to go to the gym I wake up to pee, or that I really do believe that breakfast could be the most important meal of the day.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Well Done Wedding Farts
Japanese bacon? Believe it or not, wedding fart's meal may actually have been authentic. According to this, Japan's pork consumption ranks 12th in the world, beating out South American pork lovers such as Mexico and Brazil. Very interesting discovery, wedding farts.
Also, watch out world, Israel is in the race...
Also, watch out world, Israel is in the race...
Lunchfarts: So There
Inspired by, and jealous of, the lunch enjoyed today by man boobs, I decided to forgo the chicken salad sandwich I had planned for myself, and splurge on the sushi special at the place next door to the chicken salad sandwich place instead. It's $10, but it's a great deal: a california roll AND 5 pieces of nigiri AND three pieces of sashimi AND sweet potato salad AND-- this is unbelievable, and I don't think it's even Japanese but what do I know-- three three-inch pieces of asparagus tops wrapped in bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Yup. Not to mention miso soup as well.
So there.
And none of it, I'm happy to say, landed on my pants.
So there.
And none of it, I'm happy to say, landed on my pants.
You know your lunch was good when...
You know your lunch was good when you tell Wedding Farts what you ate and he replies, "Wow! How'd you do that?"
The following lunch from Pappadeaux invoked that exact response:
A pound of boiled crawfish with potatoes & corn (on special for $2.95)
A shrimp and lobster salad (no special, but so worth it)
2 glasses of Coke
Semi-healthy, delicious, refreshing...and I made Wedding Farts extremely jealous. It was a very good lunch. A very good lunch indeed.
The following lunch from Pappadeaux invoked that exact response:
A pound of boiled crawfish with potatoes & corn (on special for $2.95)
A shrimp and lobster salad (no special, but so worth it)
2 glasses of Coke
Semi-healthy, delicious, refreshing...and I made Wedding Farts extremely jealous. It was a very good lunch. A very good lunch indeed.
A little bit angry about McGahee
A Buffalo paper goes off:
You even started talking about Buffalo’s women. I suppose we’ll have to wait for nine months or so to see if you actually met any.
Monday, March 26, 2007
BBQ Farts
BBQ in the South is different from BBQ in the North. When you eat BBQ in the South, it does not necessarily mean that you smother meat with a tomato base or vinegar sauce. Instead, it refers to the method in which the meat is prepared. Any time a chunk of pig or cow is put on a grill and slow cooked, you're having a BBQ.
Last night I cooked BBQ for my Atlanta crew. Two things that I learned:
#1 - Country Sweet pork ribs tasted as good the 100th time I ate them as they did the first time the delicious sauce touched my lips
#2 - After years of research, beta testing, market studies, and about half a dozen grills , I think that I have finally perfected my burger recipe.
RIBS: Take spareribs and rub on garlic powder and Monterey Steak Seasoning. Cover with tin foil and Cook in oven at 200 degrees for 5 hours. Turn your grill on as low as possible. Place the spareribs in the grill and close the lid. As soon as the ribs begin to brown, start spreading on the Country Sweet sauce. Cook the ribs for about 45 minutes in this fashion, turning ribs often and basting with each turn.
BURGERS: fresh ingredients are key in this burger. First, you need to get ground sirloin or ground round - none of that ground chuck crap. Then, dice the following ingredients and add to meat: a ton of freshly pressed garlic, white onions, and a jalapeno pepper. Pour a generous amount of Veri Veri Teriyaki into the bowl. Sprinkle garlic powder and bread crumbs into the mixture. With your bare hands, mix the ingredients thoroughly into the meat. If your hands are not as salty as mine, you may want to add a pinch of kosher salt as well. Then grill the burgers on Medium low heat until cooked to your preference. If you can cook the burgers on the same grill as you're cooking ribs, all the better. Top with Colby jack cheese. Serve on potato buns with lettuce, tomato, red onion, avocado, ketchup, and mustard.
In your face Burger King.
Last night I cooked BBQ for my Atlanta crew. Two things that I learned:
#1 - Country Sweet pork ribs tasted as good the 100th time I ate them as they did the first time the delicious sauce touched my lips
#2 - After years of research, beta testing, market studies, and about half a dozen grills , I think that I have finally perfected my burger recipe.
RIBS: Take spareribs and rub on garlic powder and Monterey Steak Seasoning. Cover with tin foil and Cook in oven at 200 degrees for 5 hours. Turn your grill on as low as possible. Place the spareribs in the grill and close the lid. As soon as the ribs begin to brown, start spreading on the Country Sweet sauce. Cook the ribs for about 45 minutes in this fashion, turning ribs often and basting with each turn.
BURGERS: fresh ingredients are key in this burger. First, you need to get ground sirloin or ground round - none of that ground chuck crap. Then, dice the following ingredients and add to meat: a ton of freshly pressed garlic, white onions, and a jalapeno pepper. Pour a generous amount of Veri Veri Teriyaki into the bowl. Sprinkle garlic powder and bread crumbs into the mixture. With your bare hands, mix the ingredients thoroughly into the meat. If your hands are not as salty as mine, you may want to add a pinch of kosher salt as well. Then grill the burgers on Medium low heat until cooked to your preference. If you can cook the burgers on the same grill as you're cooking ribs, all the better. Top with Colby jack cheese. Serve on potato buns with lettuce, tomato, red onion, avocado, ketchup, and mustard.
In your face Burger King.
The best show on TV
As Weddingfarts media liason it behooves me to tell you about the show Friday Night Lights. First of all, it's the only show that Fiancee and I go out of our way to watch together. Secondly, it's about High School football. Thirdly, it absolutely smokes anything that Sorkin the Douche has done. Read this article and watch it once. Maybe you'll agree??? Oh, and the part where the guy says that it's a "women's show" is wrong. It's an everyone show.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Craphole Live Star Warts Phantom Menace Blog
Editors note: The Weddingfarts movie and film lab apologize for another Star Wars entry. It was on HBO when the TV was turned on. I already forsee three problems. 1. No Chewie, 2. No Han, 3. No Ewoks. Let the horrible begin. All times are Pacific Standard.
By the way, last night I had Buffalo Chicken Tenders... They were the wrong choice.
9:57am: Qi Gon or whatever just used a Jedi Mind Trick on a robot. Is that possible?
10:01am: Everything looks really fake. All the computer generated garbage is annoying. Jar Jar just stepped in poop. I'm incredibly sorry I'm doing this.
Just look at Jar Jar. I could destroy.
10:04am: Jar Jar just got kicked in the nuts by a little robot. You know as much as Jar Jar is horrible in the last 3 minutes he stepped in poop and got kicked in the nuts by a little robot.
10:08am: Annakin just talked shit to Sebulba. He's a very sophisticated 8 year old. He actually says "careful Sebulba, he's a big time Outlander." What? He's a crossover Japanese import that was recently redesigned? 28mpg on the Highway bitches.
10:12am: Darth Maul, sweet makeup. Douche.
10:12am: Weddingfarts may be getting this.
10:13am: Annakin had a dream that he was a Jedi and then came back to Tattoine and freed all the slaves. Now I get it, they're showing all the Star Wars movies because it's almost Passover and the thematic resemblances between Passover and Star Wars are being exploited to increase the Matzah consumption of HBO's viewing audience. Stay tuned: Next week on Weddingfarts a symposium on uses for Matzah. I'll say it now .gov's if you thought that the Chicken Wing/Chicken Finger debate was intense wait until Weddingfarts, Man Boobs, and I go at it over the best way to prepare Matzah brie and then the best toppings for Matzah brie.
10:15am: Pause to call weddingfarts
10:20am: Annakin's mom calls him Annie. This got me thinking and I realized something. There are not that many "well known Annie's"
10:27am: I just googled Annakin Skywalker. I've been spelling it wrong. Anakin. Further proof that in the Star Wars universe nothing is as it seems. Pod racing scene is starting.
10:28am: An animal just farted in the direction of Jar Jar. Stepped in poop, kicked in the nuts, farted at.
10:32am: I'm pretty sure no mom that I know would let their kid pod race.
10:35am: I remember that when I saw this movie in the theater the highlight was trying to find secret Wookie/Ewok sightings. I should have remembered that when I started this dumbass live blog.
10:39am: Jar Jar says "careful Annie, careful Annie." Meanwhile Anakin's mom just watches and says nothing. She's a non - entity. Sebulba's pod just crashed and he says "fooyoo."
10:43am: I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this anymore, but I made a committment.
10:45am: What I just learned about the actress, Pernilla August, who plays Anakin's mom: "Portrayed Shmi Skywalker (mother of Anakin Skywalker) and Mary of Nazareth (mother of Jesus Christ). Both are women who claim their sons were the product of a virgin birth."
I hate everyone.
Song everyone should listen to: "The Final Comedown" by: Grant Green.
Darth Maul shows up to brawl.
10:54am: Approximately 999 people have visited weddingfarts.blogspot.com. At least 3 of those are not me, weddingfarts, or man boobs.
10:55am: Jedi council meeting; featuring Yoda, Obi-Wan, Qui Gon, and Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. has very watery eyes.
10:58am: Crappy intergalactic council meeting with a lot of people there. The only time in the movie we spot wookies or ewoks... I'm scanning the crowd... there's the bad guy from the first Lord of the Rings movie... there's the queen with a dumbfuck helmet on... there's the creepy fish face guy whose lips don't match up with what he's saying... and... and... booya, two wookies.
11:01am: New friend request on facebook.
11:07am: Anakin: "Come on R2."
11:13am: Big ass battle on Jar Jar's planet. Jar Jar is just made a general and he faints. Steps in poop, kicked in nuts, animal farts at him, and faints.
11:17am: There is a box of Thin Mints in the kitchen. Did Fiancee open them is the question.
11:17am: She did not.
11:19am: This battle scene is pretty sweet. Jar Jar "Steady, steady"
11:22am: Darth Maul unveils the double sided light saber. That's an Ikea style innovation.
11:28am: Jar Jar gets racked in the nuts when he falls on a gun turret. Steps in poop, kicked in nuts, animal farts at him, faints, racked in nuts by gun turret.
11:34am: Anakin blows up the stupid bad guy spaceship. All the bad robots are powerless. The Jar Jar's of the world rejoice. Great.
11:35am: Obi-Wan cuts Darth Maul in half.
11:36am: They just said "trade" and "franchise". I immediately checked our beloved's website and was relieved that we still had Lee Evans.
11:41am: The end.
Editors note: Live Blogging is kind of fun, but maybe it should only be done for a half an hour max. Try it sometime.
By the way, last night I had Buffalo Chicken Tenders... They were the wrong choice.
9:57am: Qi Gon or whatever just used a Jedi Mind Trick on a robot. Is that possible?
10:01am: Everything looks really fake. All the computer generated garbage is annoying. Jar Jar just stepped in poop. I'm incredibly sorry I'm doing this.
Just look at Jar Jar. I could destroy.
10:04am: Jar Jar just got kicked in the nuts by a little robot. You know as much as Jar Jar is horrible in the last 3 minutes he stepped in poop and got kicked in the nuts by a little robot.
10:08am: Annakin just talked shit to Sebulba. He's a very sophisticated 8 year old. He actually says "careful Sebulba, he's a big time Outlander." What? He's a crossover Japanese import that was recently redesigned? 28mpg on the Highway bitches.
10:12am: Darth Maul, sweet makeup. Douche.
10:12am: Weddingfarts may be getting this.
10:13am: Annakin had a dream that he was a Jedi and then came back to Tattoine and freed all the slaves. Now I get it, they're showing all the Star Wars movies because it's almost Passover and the thematic resemblances between Passover and Star Wars are being exploited to increase the Matzah consumption of HBO's viewing audience. Stay tuned: Next week on Weddingfarts a symposium on uses for Matzah. I'll say it now .gov's if you thought that the Chicken Wing/Chicken Finger debate was intense wait until Weddingfarts, Man Boobs, and I go at it over the best way to prepare Matzah brie and then the best toppings for Matzah brie.
10:15am: Pause to call weddingfarts
10:20am: Annakin's mom calls him Annie. This got me thinking and I realized something. There are not that many "well known Annie's"
10:27am: I just googled Annakin Skywalker. I've been spelling it wrong. Anakin. Further proof that in the Star Wars universe nothing is as it seems. Pod racing scene is starting.
10:28am: An animal just farted in the direction of Jar Jar. Stepped in poop, kicked in the nuts, farted at.
10:32am: I'm pretty sure no mom that I know would let their kid pod race.
10:35am: I remember that when I saw this movie in the theater the highlight was trying to find secret Wookie/Ewok sightings. I should have remembered that when I started this dumbass live blog.
10:39am: Jar Jar says "careful Annie, careful Annie." Meanwhile Anakin's mom just watches and says nothing. She's a non - entity. Sebulba's pod just crashed and he says "fooyoo."
10:43am: I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this anymore, but I made a committment.
10:45am: What I just learned about the actress, Pernilla August, who plays Anakin's mom: "Portrayed Shmi Skywalker (mother of Anakin Skywalker) and Mary of Nazareth (mother of Jesus Christ). Both are women who claim their sons were the product of a virgin birth."
I hate everyone.
Song everyone should listen to: "The Final Comedown" by: Grant Green.
Darth Maul shows up to brawl.
10:54am: Approximately 999 people have visited weddingfarts.blogspot.com. At least 3 of those are not me, weddingfarts, or man boobs.
10:55am: Jedi council meeting; featuring Yoda, Obi-Wan, Qui Gon, and Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. has very watery eyes.
10:58am: Crappy intergalactic council meeting with a lot of people there. The only time in the movie we spot wookies or ewoks... I'm scanning the crowd... there's the bad guy from the first Lord of the Rings movie... there's the queen with a dumbfuck helmet on... there's the creepy fish face guy whose lips don't match up with what he's saying... and... and... booya, two wookies.
11:01am: New friend request on facebook.
11:07am: Anakin: "Come on R2."
11:13am: Big ass battle on Jar Jar's planet. Jar Jar is just made a general and he faints. Steps in poop, kicked in nuts, animal farts at him, and faints.
11:17am: There is a box of Thin Mints in the kitchen. Did Fiancee open them is the question.
11:17am: She did not.
11:19am: This battle scene is pretty sweet. Jar Jar "Steady, steady"
11:22am: Darth Maul unveils the double sided light saber. That's an Ikea style innovation.
11:28am: Jar Jar gets racked in the nuts when he falls on a gun turret. Steps in poop, kicked in nuts, animal farts at him, faints, racked in nuts by gun turret.
11:34am: Anakin blows up the stupid bad guy spaceship. All the bad robots are powerless. The Jar Jar's of the world rejoice. Great.
11:35am: Obi-Wan cuts Darth Maul in half.
11:36am: They just said "trade" and "franchise". I immediately checked our beloved's website and was relieved that we still had Lee Evans.
11:41am: The end.
Editors note: Live Blogging is kind of fun, but maybe it should only be done for a half an hour max. Try it sometime.
Friday, March 23, 2007
The Dumb Fuck Year Without Toilet Paper
Apparently some hipster parents who live on 5th Avenue have decided that it would be a good idea to stop using toilet paper. Can someone tell me how the article ends? I'm too annoyed to read the whole thing.
Why is this week different than all other weeks
Gilbert Arenas usually posts one blog post a week. But this week he post two. Why? Because he's angry at everyone. And so he ranted. And it's fantastic. Gilbert, if you're watching, let's go get steamed shrimp and crabs at the Maine Street Market this weekend.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Chewbacca is above it all, but is he alone???
Editors Note: We here at the Weddingfarts movie lab do not always watch Star Wars. They have been on HBO a lot lately. We'd also watch any Rocky (except 5), All Back to the Futures and all Teen Wolfs if given the opportunity. We're just playing the hand we're dealt folks...I was sick this morning. Sore throat and all... I sat on the couch and drank tea. Which is weird. Return of the Jedi was on. I think the best moment of that movie is when Chewie teams up with the two ewoks to take over the imperial walker thing. There is a scene where Chewie swings on a rope and makes a Tarzan sound. Usually I hate shit like that, but since it was Chewbacca I didn't.
If it had been Lando I would have hated it. C3P0 - Forget it. Gross fish head guy with wierd fish whiskers - hate. Darth Maul - no chance. Jar Jar - no chance. Luke? Leah?
There are very few that could pull off the Tarzan yell in the midst of a climactic battle on the Forest Moon of Endor. I believe that the two gentlemen on the right are the only two that could do it. They're above it all. The two coolest cats. Granted, not every Star Wars watcher is as cynical, sarcastic, bloated, or gassy as I am.
By the way... how much would you pay for your own Ewok? $200? $300?
That's not the point. I don't think I'm alone here. If 300 .gov's were to be p0lled about the two Star Wars characters that could get away with a Tarzan yell during a climactic battle on the Forest moon of Endor I would say that Han and Chewie would be the runaway winner; with R2 as the dark horse third option. I'm going to leave Yoda completely out of this because I'm still not over the scene where he dies in Jedi. I've seen it a billion times, but for some reason it hit particularly hard today.
Why? Because I have a sore throat. That's why. Thanks weddingfarts. This one is for you and your sore throat giving wampa-ness.
Meet Pull My Finger Fred.
Farts are not just for weddings and for blogs. Farts also sometimes end up in court.
Cupcake Mystery
There is a white box inside the office fridge. Inside the box are chocolate cupcakes with white icing and rainbow sprinkles. On the top of the box are the words, "Cupcakes. Eat me." The words were written in thick black ink, presumably by a sharpie. There is no indication as to the origin of the cupcakes - no bakery name is stamped onto the bottom of the box and the generic block hand writing is indistinguishable.
I am intrigued. After lunch, I will eat a mystery cupcake.
I am intrigued. After lunch, I will eat a mystery cupcake.
Not Exactly Like This, But You Get the Idea
Some of you may have been confused and shocked by the revelation yesterday that weddingfarts exist. If that is the case, this is for you.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Let's Not Do This
Let's not get into this here. It could only get worse. But a couple of things to point out:
1) You argue that if you are from New York, then you should root for the Yankees. But, of course, the Yankees aren't the only baseball team in New York. They aren't even the only team in New York City. So New Yorker--> Yankees Fan doesn't make any sense. Typical.
2) Rudy Guiliani. What a fuck.
3) It wasn't just any program.
1) You argue that if you are from New York, then you should root for the Yankees. But, of course, the Yankees aren't the only baseball team in New York. They aren't even the only team in New York City. So New Yorker--> Yankees Fan doesn't make any sense. Typical.
2) Rudy Guiliani. What a fuck.
3) It wasn't just any program.
Baseball Balls
Reverse cleavage aside, lets look who we're aligning ourselves with:
Yankee Fans Counterpart BoSox Fans
Robin Williams Seth Myers
Nicole Kidman Doris Kearns Goodwin
Denzel Washington NO BLACK FANS
Bruce Willis Mark Wahlberg
Chris Rock Denis Leary
Abboud Muszynski
Bill Clinton George W Bush
I have never been more proud to be who I am. The other funny thing is that everyone writing on this blog is from New York. They were born in New York. Raised in New York. Met in New York. Lost their virginity in New York. You think that Upstate New York doesn't count? That it's complete different than New York City? Well, not according to this website.
Isn't it about time we accept who we are and where we come from? I know it's hard when your parents sent you to an elite summer camp in the Berkshires where they brainwashed you to be New York bashers instead of sending you to a real New York camp with a real lake where you could get Yankee games on your radio if it was late at night and the wind was blowing just right. Fine, we also had sexual predators at my camp but I'd rather have that than a helicopter during a mass program...
Stupid helicopters.
The Hanes advertisement with Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan is a travesty. It's awkward to watch. The premise is such bad shit. I can imagine the creative meeting.
Sweaty bloated ad guy: "I have the best idea. It's better than fucking smug Jared from Subway. Why don't we have Kevin Bacon shoot a basketball and get blocked by Michael Jordan?"
Sweaty bloated ad guy 2: "Oh wait! Shit! This is awesome. Then Kevin Bacon can shoot his keys into the key dish and Michael Jordan could block that shot! Holy shit!"
editors note: Michael Jordan would not block a set of keys if they were shot. They are metal and they hurt. We here in the Weddingfarts sports technology lab tried it. Keys are metal and pointy.
Sweaty bloated ad lady: "This is genius, what if Kevin Bacon balled up some paper and shot it into the trashcan, but it was blocked by Michael Jordan! But not just any Michael Jordan... Michael Jordan in a wheely office chair!"
Just regular bloated ad guy: "And then, to top it all off, we can have Kevin Bacon look around for Michael Jordan, and when he doesn't think that MJ is around we can have Kevin Bacon try to toss a grape into his mouth. Then MJ comes flying out of nowhere to pluck the grape out of the air."
Original sweaty bloated ad guy: "OF COURSE! Then we can have MJ wink at Kevin Bacon so that Kevin Bacon knows that he can never shoot anything without it getting blocked by MJ."
Hanes Exec: That is fucking money!
Editors Note 2: MJ, you are hurting our feelings.
I ate another gyro for lunch today. Miraculously, my pants remained unsullied through the experience.
About two days ago, weddingfarts asked its readers to participate in a survey regarding an extremely polarizing topic - the classification of pizza as a meal. The results were quite revealing. 29% of those surveyed indicated that pizza can always be considered a meal, 29% felt that pizza can never be considered a meal, and the remaining 43% responded that pizza may or may not be a meal depending on the toppings.
The hardliners on the left feel that pizza is best categorized as a snack and/or an appetizer. They commonly point to the "unacceptable" ratio of bread and cheese in relation to the toppings. If you piled up each ingredient separately, they surmise, you can clearly see that pizza lacks the nutritional values and 'meat appeal' found in a proper meal.
Within the right-wing constituency, we find a much different story. Pizza is celebrated as a delicious, satisfying meal. People in this category find it perfectly acceptable to eat pizza for lunch, dinner, and even an occasional breakfast. "Pizza is like sex," states one of their more popular slogans, "Even when it's bad, it's good."
This leaves us with the swing voters - a whopping 43% of our readers. These individuals are cognizant of the lack of quality toppings found on the majority of pizzas in America. A plain cheese pizza is not a meal, they feel, but becomes one by adding the proper quantity of meat and fresh vegetables. By adding a side-salad to the mix, even more people are attracted to this middle-of-the-road stance.
This leaves us with one very important question - what is my stance on pizza? I will tell you.
I feel that in this great democracy everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you think that the human eye is proof of intelligent design, so be it. If you feel that the jury is out on global warming, fine. If you think that the holocaust was a hoax, then you are an idiot...and if you think that a cheese, pepperoni, or sausage pizza is a meal, you have that right. But you are mistaken. Sure, you will live if you eat it for dinner, just like you can subside off of a birthday cake or buckets of KFC or ten days of only eating matzo. But no one can deny that pizza lacks the proper servings of vegetables and meat. I am sorry if this hurts to hear.
So is pizza not a meal? Is it really just an appetizer or a snack? What I am about to say will shock you - especially if you have known me since my drooling stage. There are conditions in which pizza can be considered a meal - albeit I maintain that these conditions are rare. This requires a lot of toppings - a lot. An accompanying salad and wings further the argument for classifying pizza as a meal – and yes, boneless wings count...
I would like to thank everyone who has participated in this debate and I apologize to any of our readers whose dinner plans for tonight are now ruined.
Here it is. .gov's we're going to need your help here.
You enjoy our sideburn
Yankee Fans Counterpart BoSox Fans
Robin Williams Seth Myers
Nicole Kidman Doris Kearns Goodwin
Denzel Washington NO BLACK FANS
Bruce Willis Mark Wahlberg
Chris Rock Denis Leary
Abboud Muszynski
Bill Clinton George W Bush
I have never been more proud to be who I am. The other funny thing is that everyone writing on this blog is from New York. They were born in New York. Raised in New York. Met in New York. Lost their virginity in New York. You think that Upstate New York doesn't count? That it's complete different than New York City? Well, not according to this website.
Isn't it about time we accept who we are and where we come from? I know it's hard when your parents sent you to an elite summer camp in the Berkshires where they brainwashed you to be New York bashers instead of sending you to a real New York camp with a real lake where you could get Yankee games on your radio if it was late at night and the wind was blowing just right. Fine, we also had sexual predators at my camp but I'd rather have that than a helicopter during a mass program...
Stupid helicopters.
Baseball Seasonfarts: Will Weddingfarts Hold Together?
Baseball season is almost upon us. I'm excited. It means, among other things, more tasia. After work I'm going to go pick up a tasia mag and learn what I need to about building another stable of mediocre pitchers. And does anyone know if Chris Shelton is still playing ball?
But there is something you should know, gentle .govs. Even though we here at weddingfarts all agree that pizza and wings is a meal that can't be beat, and even though we all like olives, and we never decline a tomato on our sandwich, and we wear blue shirts more often than not, and we get a little too giddy about barbeque and wegman's subs, and even though we all spend a lot time worring about sweating and bloatedness, we don't all root for the same baseball team.
Two of us like the Red Sox.* One of us doesn't.
I'm not going to name names, but I'm sure that this will come up again over the next few months. In the meantime, I ask a question directed at Man Boobs: does the fact that Manny Ramirez owns your grill change your opinion of the man at all?
*And the Cubs.
But there is something you should know, gentle .govs. Even though we here at weddingfarts all agree that pizza and wings is a meal that can't be beat, and even though we all like olives, and we never decline a tomato on our sandwich, and we wear blue shirts more often than not, and we get a little too giddy about barbeque and wegman's subs, and even though we all spend a lot time worring about sweating and bloatedness, we don't all root for the same baseball team.
Two of us like the Red Sox.* One of us doesn't.
I'm not going to name names, but I'm sure that this will come up again over the next few months. In the meantime, I ask a question directed at Man Boobs: does the fact that Manny Ramirez owns your grill change your opinion of the man at all?
*And the Cubs.
Sailor Jacket 1, Sports Guy 0
Guess who tried to write about the MJ underwear ad today? Guess who beat him to it? Guess who's post about the underwear ad was crap?
Do you wedding fart?
My friend "Horse" explained to me this weekend that wedding farts had meaning to him before he was turned onto this blog. I liked the definition, so I thought I would share:
Apparently, the term wedding farts was first used is to explain a phenomenon that occurs when you are very nervous about something. Maybe it happens to you right before a job interview, a chemistry test, when you finish writing a blog entry and are about to click on the "Publish" button, or right before you utter the words "I do" to a girl like this. Your stomach turns, your body shivers, and something that smells very interesting gently works it's way through your small intestine, across your colon, fills your rectum....well, you know what happens from here.
A "Wedding Fart" is not a normal fart. Far from it. Maybe it's a shift in the concentration of methane and hydrogen sulfide. Or maybe the accelerated fart has less time to fade before it emerges. For whatever the reason, this type of gas is undeniably unique and potent, thus earning the "Wedding" prefix that we have come to love....
Apparently, the term wedding farts was first used is to explain a phenomenon that occurs when you are very nervous about something. Maybe it happens to you right before a job interview, a chemistry test, when you finish writing a blog entry and are about to click on the "Publish" button, or right before you utter the words "I do" to a girl like this. Your stomach turns, your body shivers, and something that smells very interesting gently works it's way through your small intestine, across your colon, fills your rectum....well, you know what happens from here.
A "Wedding Fart" is not a normal fart. Far from it. Maybe it's a shift in the concentration of methane and hydrogen sulfide. Or maybe the accelerated fart has less time to fade before it emerges. For whatever the reason, this type of gas is undeniably unique and potent, thus earning the "Wedding" prefix that we have come to love....
This website that has been entertaining me all day. I guess a lot of people already know about it but I didn't. So here it is.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Getting a crown
.gov's the time has come. I have to get a crown today. I'm not that happy about it. The most important thing to know is that getting a crown takes an hour. Fuck.
Don't watch me, watch tv farts
We here at weddingfarts would like to wish Agent Zero a hearty mazel tov on the birth of his son. We also would like to say that we desperately want to grab a beer and chicken wings with you. Anytime you're free, Gilbert. Just let us know.
Doctor, Doctor
Please, dear readers, could someone explain why my Adam's Apple is sore? It's been this way for two days now. I went to the gym yesterday. But I mostly just watched TV while I was there.
Lunch was a delicious trio of ceaser salad, chicken salad with currants, and pineapple accentuated with kiwi and grapes. Corner Bakery. I'm not sure why I don't eat this everyday.
Lunch was a delicious trio of ceaser salad, chicken salad with currants, and pineapple accentuated with kiwi and grapes. Corner Bakery. I'm not sure why I don't eat this everyday.
The latest place that Gmail sent me
I really only like gmail because of the Talk. I really only talk to Weddingfarts and Dooder McDooderiferous.
Today, Gmail's ad's sent me here . I really think that Gmail is down with weddingfarts!
Today, Gmail's ad's sent me here . I really think that Gmail is down with weddingfarts!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
An embarassment
The Hanes advertisement with Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan is a travesty. It's awkward to watch. The premise is such bad shit. I can imagine the creative meeting.
Sweaty bloated ad guy: "I have the best idea. It's better than fucking smug Jared from Subway. Why don't we have Kevin Bacon shoot a basketball and get blocked by Michael Jordan?"
Sweaty bloated ad guy 2: "Oh wait! Shit! This is awesome. Then Kevin Bacon can shoot his keys into the key dish and Michael Jordan could block that shot! Holy shit!"
editors note: Michael Jordan would not block a set of keys if they were shot. They are metal and they hurt. We here in the Weddingfarts sports technology lab tried it. Keys are metal and pointy.
Sweaty bloated ad lady: "This is genius, what if Kevin Bacon balled up some paper and shot it into the trashcan, but it was blocked by Michael Jordan! But not just any Michael Jordan... Michael Jordan in a wheely office chair!"
Just regular bloated ad guy: "And then, to top it all off, we can have Kevin Bacon look around for Michael Jordan, and when he doesn't think that MJ is around we can have Kevin Bacon try to toss a grape into his mouth. Then MJ comes flying out of nowhere to pluck the grape out of the air."
Original sweaty bloated ad guy: "OF COURSE! Then we can have MJ wink at Kevin Bacon so that Kevin Bacon knows that he can never shoot anything without it getting blocked by MJ."
Hanes Exec: That is fucking money!
Editors Note 2: MJ, you are hurting our feelings.
Merger
So, your telling me that AT&T was bought by Cingular and now Cingular is switching back to AT&T?
I know it's a little after the fact, but that is stupid. I hate corporate buyouts and rebranding. Time Warner did it to Comcast here in LA and then I lost the NFL Network. You should ask Fiancee how many times I called my cable provider to complain.
And now Cingular? AT&T was a dead brand. Cingular is an alive brand. I like the Orange guy too. The orange Cingular guy is a pretty awesome thing to see. Better than the Sprint fake-swoosh, better than the Verizon Vcraphole thing. I don't want the stupid At&T circle thing. It's dumb... and here's why.
The AT&T logo looks like a fat guy who wears horizontal stripes. It accentuates the gut bulge. Any fat guy knows that wearing horizontal stripes is a horrible idea. The AT&T logo looks like the gut of a fat guy wearing horizontal stripes.
It's almost giving me t-mobile thoughts... but not really
I know it's a little after the fact, but that is stupid. I hate corporate buyouts and rebranding. Time Warner did it to Comcast here in LA and then I lost the NFL Network. You should ask Fiancee how many times I called my cable provider to complain.
And now Cingular? AT&T was a dead brand. Cingular is an alive brand. I like the Orange guy too. The orange Cingular guy is a pretty awesome thing to see. Better than the Sprint fake-swoosh, better than the Verizon Vcraphole thing. I don't want the stupid At&T circle thing. It's dumb... and here's why.
The AT&T logo looks like a fat guy who wears horizontal stripes. It accentuates the gut bulge. Any fat guy knows that wearing horizontal stripes is a horrible idea. The AT&T logo looks like the gut of a fat guy wearing horizontal stripes.
It's almost giving me t-mobile thoughts... but not really
Lunchfarts
You will be pleased to learn that today was free lawyer lunch day. And the previous silent complaints about the salmon have been answered: today, in addition to the salmon, there was a whole platter of beef tenderloin cooked perfectly medium rare. And, to tell you the truth, the salmon was pretty good today too. (Have I mentioned that the salmon comes braided like a challah? The salmon comes braided like a challah. Yes, that's weird. No, I don't know how they do it. Would I like to do it myself? Probably.)
But that's not all: one of the secretaries is leaving today, so we had goodbye secretary cake, which is made with strawberries and white chocolate and is delicious. There was also carrot cake and cheesecake. This lawyering thing isn't so bad after all.
But that's not all: one of the secretaries is leaving today, so we had goodbye secretary cake, which is made with strawberries and white chocolate and is delicious. There was also carrot cake and cheesecake. This lawyering thing isn't so bad after all.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Bullshit break
I rushed home from work, got a sandwich, and now there is a hour and a half break? What the fuck. Games. Now.
Bracketfarts
Some people enter into brackets with the goal of winning. I tend to have more modest goals.
In my real bracket, I would be satisfied with tying sailor jacket, especially after what he did to me yesterday. I also hope to beat a lot of people who want to be rabbis, as well as you know who.
In other bracket, I want to beat the macher.
Dates:
Tied with sailor jacket, losing to the macher.
What are your goals, fellow bloggers?
In my real bracket, I would be satisfied with tying sailor jacket, especially after what he did to me yesterday. I also hope to beat a lot of people who want to be rabbis, as well as you know who.
In other bracket, I want to beat the macher.
Dates:
Tied with sailor jacket, losing to the macher.
What are your goals, fellow bloggers?
Gyrofarts
I ate another gyro for lunch today. Miraculously, my pants remained unsullied through the experience.
Other Bracket Farts
The first day of basketball usually means that I'm over-anxious.
You can disregard the voicemail I left about how good Davidson is, sailor jacket. I'm just a touch over-anxious. See?
I don't like having two different brackets. I feel like an idiot twiceover. And I don't remember which is which. I had first picked Louisville in real bracket. (Sailor jacket can confirm, we talked about this.) And I meant to pick Stanford in other bracket, in which upsets get more points. But I got that backwards, apparently, which is confusing.
The brackets pretty much represent an anxious wednesday for me. They are a moment frozen in time, showing the whole firm and the rest of the world that I'm a fucking idiot. (But if only they could see my OTHER bracket . . . then they'd know . . .)
You can disregard the voicemail I left about how good Davidson is, sailor jacket. I'm just a touch over-anxious. See?
I don't like having two different brackets. I feel like an idiot twiceover. And I don't remember which is which. I had first picked Louisville in real bracket. (Sailor jacket can confirm, we talked about this.) And I meant to pick Stanford in other bracket, in which upsets get more points. But I got that backwards, apparently, which is confusing.
The brackets pretty much represent an anxious wednesday for me. They are a moment frozen in time, showing the whole firm and the rest of the world that I'm a fucking idiot. (But if only they could see my OTHER bracket . . . then they'd know . . .)
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Two Lunch Day
Ah, to be young. I could eat two lunches and not think twice. I can't do that anymore. Now I eat baked chips, spinach, mustard instead of mayo, Special K bars, and sugar free mints. Really, life is not fair.
What did we have on two lunch days? Usually sushi and a burrito. Now... I'm lucky if I can make a coherent lunch decision and avoid Subway hell. Growing up is painful and confusing.
What did we have on two lunch days? Usually sushi and a burrito. Now... I'm lucky if I can make a coherent lunch decision and avoid Subway hell. Growing up is painful and confusing.
Bracketologyfarts
Brackets are really confusing to fill out. No one knows the right answer, and everyone has the wrong answer. It's really a no win situation which is great. Here's the things that we need to know or not know depending on whether they're right or not:
1. Ohio State sucks and Greg Oden is at least 29 years old.
2. Ohio State is in the weakest bracket.
3. Texas is going to fuck so many people when they lose in the first round.
4. Do we pick Duke, Maryland, Kentucky, Louisville, etc, based on player/coach experience and past accomplishments? My heart says yes, my mind says no, and my stomach says that Subway is hell.
5. There are two Texas A&M's? One is a community college? Either way the original is way better than the sequel and they only need to beat Ohio State and their 29 year old freshman to make it to the final four.
6. Wisconsin had a center that dislocated his elbow. Now they supposedly suck.
7. Memphis will probably lose.
8. Where is Syracuse?
The most important thing to remember is that your bracket is wrong, my bracket is wrong, and everyone else's bracket is really wrong.
1. Ohio State sucks and Greg Oden is at least 29 years old.
2. Ohio State is in the weakest bracket.
3. Texas is going to fuck so many people when they lose in the first round.
4. Do we pick Duke, Maryland, Kentucky, Louisville, etc, based on player/coach experience and past accomplishments? My heart says yes, my mind says no, and my stomach says that Subway is hell.
5. There are two Texas A&M's? One is a community college? Either way the original is way better than the sequel and they only need to beat Ohio State and their 29 year old freshman to make it to the final four.
6. Wisconsin had a center that dislocated his elbow. Now they supposedly suck.
7. Memphis will probably lose.
8. Where is Syracuse?
The most important thing to remember is that your bracket is wrong, my bracket is wrong, and everyone else's bracket is really wrong.
Wednesday = Free Food Day
Like wedding farts, Wednesdays are also a special free-food day for me. Free Otis Spunkmeyer cookies with your meal at the cafeteria on the first floor of my building. Also, it's Chinese food day on Wednesdays. Today I had spicy breaded chicken, carrots, and broccoli. The breading had some weird spices in it and the person before me got the last eggroll -but the cookie was free and delicious.
I'm having an affair....
A Dinner A'Fair.
Cheesy name aside, I had mixed feelings when my roommate declared that he had signed up for a prepare-your-own-meals service. The premise is simple - you go to this website, login, and select which meals you want to prepare - you can chose up to 12. Then you drive to one of these locations where they have setup a cooking station just for you. All of the ingredients are raw - chopped vegetables, spices, sauces, beef, pork, chicken, fish, scallops, etc. To make your meals, you measure the ingredients into plastic bags and insert a small card with cooking instructions. After 2 hours and $140, drive home and insert meals into freezer.
This sounds great....for a person who perhaps is uncreative in the kitchen, never learned how to cook, or is too lazy to take the time and love required to serve up delicious home cooked meals. But that's not me. I love cooking. I love selecting the meat de jour, determining the perfect seasonings (usually includes Country Sweet sauce), researching new techniques and ingredients here and in here, slicing fresh vegetables, and eating the scraps all along the way. I had strong doubts that some gimmicky company could replace this satisfaction.
Well, a month into the program and 2 meal-making-sessions later, I am converted. I am eating as well if not better than I have ever eaten - and I get to eat 30 minutes earlier than usual. Last night it was beef Stroganoff. The night before, California turkey burgers with cilantro salsa. Before that, orange glazed sea scallops. Today I am defrosting chicken cordon blue. The meals are delicious. The meat marinates for days resulting in great flavor and tenderness, the recipes are creative and healthy, and the portions are perfect. I really have nothing to complain about - and you all know how much I love complaining about food that falls short of expectations.
Weddingfarts, please don't hate me - but my old-fashioned cooking days may be gone forever - replaced by this modern, efficient, delicious alternative. Sure, I'll still cook for special occasions...guests, weekend BBQ's, Passover, etc....but during the day-to-day grind I think I'm done. Wow, that sounds good to say. I have moved on. I am free.
Cheesy name aside, I had mixed feelings when my roommate declared that he had signed up for a prepare-your-own-meals service. The premise is simple - you go to this website, login, and select which meals you want to prepare - you can chose up to 12. Then you drive to one of these locations where they have setup a cooking station just for you. All of the ingredients are raw - chopped vegetables, spices, sauces, beef, pork, chicken, fish, scallops, etc. To make your meals, you measure the ingredients into plastic bags and insert a small card with cooking instructions. After 2 hours and $140, drive home and insert meals into freezer.
This sounds great....for a person who perhaps is uncreative in the kitchen, never learned how to cook, or is too lazy to take the time and love required to serve up delicious home cooked meals. But that's not me. I love cooking. I love selecting the meat de jour, determining the perfect seasonings (usually includes Country Sweet sauce), researching new techniques and ingredients here and in here, slicing fresh vegetables, and eating the scraps all along the way. I had strong doubts that some gimmicky company could replace this satisfaction.
Well, a month into the program and 2 meal-making-sessions later, I am converted. I am eating as well if not better than I have ever eaten - and I get to eat 30 minutes earlier than usual. Last night it was beef Stroganoff. The night before, California turkey burgers with cilantro salsa. Before that, orange glazed sea scallops. Today I am defrosting chicken cordon blue. The meals are delicious. The meat marinates for days resulting in great flavor and tenderness, the recipes are creative and healthy, and the portions are perfect. I really have nothing to complain about - and you all know how much I love complaining about food that falls short of expectations.
Weddingfarts, please don't hate me - but my old-fashioned cooking days may be gone forever - replaced by this modern, efficient, delicious alternative. Sure, I'll still cook for special occasions...guests, weekend BBQ's, Passover, etc....but during the day-to-day grind I think I'm done. Wow, that sounds good to say. I have moved on. I am free.
Blueberry Bagelfarts
Faithful readers of weddingfarts know that I have set out, in life, to receive as much as free food as possible. So it will come as no surprise to you to learn that my apartment building sometimes has free breakfast. It's always on a Wednesday, although which wednesday of which month is never consistent.
This morning was free breakfast day. Free breakfast consists of coffee, bagels, and krispy kremes if you get there early enough. (I never get anywhere early enough, especially in the morning). So, I arrived at the breakfast table late, and the scraps were left. Which consisted of plain and bagels with purple dots. I was engaged in a conversation with the Steelers fan that sits in the lobby all day-- nice guy, a bit sad in life it seems, and only talks about the Steelers, at least with me (maybe he talks about antitrust law with someone else)-- and I picked up a dotted bagel.
I sit here now, eating my dotted bagel, and blogging about it at the same time. It's blueberry. Of the thousands of bagels I've consumed in life, this is my first blueberry bagel. Want to know why? Bagels shouldn't have purple in them.
This morning was free breakfast day. Free breakfast consists of coffee, bagels, and krispy kremes if you get there early enough. (I never get anywhere early enough, especially in the morning). So, I arrived at the breakfast table late, and the scraps were left. Which consisted of plain and bagels with purple dots. I was engaged in a conversation with the Steelers fan that sits in the lobby all day-- nice guy, a bit sad in life it seems, and only talks about the Steelers, at least with me (maybe he talks about antitrust law with someone else)-- and I picked up a dotted bagel.
I sit here now, eating my dotted bagel, and blogging about it at the same time. It's blueberry. Of the thousands of bagels I've consumed in life, this is my first blueberry bagel. Want to know why? Bagels shouldn't have purple in them.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Leftovers
I really don't like bringing leftovers for lunch. It's super boring. Makes me a little sad. However, at least I had lunch. Unlike some people yesterday.
What I really want is a Barbacoa burrito from Chipotle.
Instead I get leftovers. They're good leftovers; you know a little salmon and fried rice. The problem is they were made yesterday at dinner time. I have problems on top of my problems.
What I really want is a Barbacoa burrito from Chipotle.
Instead I get leftovers. They're good leftovers; you know a little salmon and fried rice. The problem is they were made yesterday at dinner time. I have problems on top of my problems.
Pizza Is Not a Meal
Hello everyone. I am safely and well fed-ly back at my desk in the warm and inviting city of Washington, D.C. Thank you for all of the comments and well wishes-- it is soul-restoring and humbling to be the subject of such an outpouring of sympathy and concern. I spent all day yesterday in the bowels (well, more like the closed cafeteria) of the police department of a county in an nearby state named after a nearby city. No, not like that.
We had arrived at at the police department at 12:30, and even then I was hungry. Worse, I couldn't get the idea of delicious barbeque out of my head, because I thought I was close to this place, which I was relatively speaking, but not in a lets-go-for-a-quick-bite kind of way.
But we didn't eat for a long time. We were waiting most of the day for something to happen, and at each moment, we thought that the negotiations were going to quickly fall apart, and so there was no sense in ordering dinner. Finally, at 8:30 pm, someone ordered pizza.
So, to recap, yesterday was an interesting day. I saw (but didn't do much) lawyering in action. I ate: two kashi breakfast bars, crappy 7-11 coffee, vending machine junk, and 3 pieces of pizza. Luckily, I stopped for a purple water on the way home, so I was totally revived and replenished when I got back at 2:30 in the morning.
Good story? No, not really. Not eating is not nearly as interesting, narratively-speaking, as eating. But I retell this story to confirm an important point: pizza is not a meal.*
*Except in New Haven.
We had arrived at at the police department at 12:30, and even then I was hungry. Worse, I couldn't get the idea of delicious barbeque out of my head, because I thought I was close to this place, which I was relatively speaking, but not in a lets-go-for-a-quick-bite kind of way.
But we didn't eat for a long time. We were waiting most of the day for something to happen, and at each moment, we thought that the negotiations were going to quickly fall apart, and so there was no sense in ordering dinner. Finally, at 8:30 pm, someone ordered pizza.
So, to recap, yesterday was an interesting day. I saw (but didn't do much) lawyering in action. I ate: two kashi breakfast bars, crappy 7-11 coffee, vending machine junk, and 3 pieces of pizza. Luckily, I stopped for a purple water on the way home, so I was totally revived and replenished when I got back at 2:30 in the morning.
Good story? No, not really. Not eating is not nearly as interesting, narratively-speaking, as eating. But I retell this story to confirm an important point: pizza is not a meal.*
*Except in New Haven.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Concerned and scared
Weddingfarts, esq. our DC based correspondent did not have lunch today. I can't remember a time when he has ever not had lunch. He's scared and nervous. Please leave him a comment letting him know that he will be ok. Please .gov's let him know you care.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Nervous Situations Call for Bold Ideas
Rhodes signed with the Raiders. I'm even more nervous about running backs for our beloved.
But is this a good idea?
But is this a good idea?
Friday, March 09, 2007
Foodfarts
Well done, sailor jacket. That is a commendable dinner. Last night I had expensive sushi at Sushi Kappo Kawasaki, a small place south of Dupont. Everyone else in the restaurant was Japanese. You'd think that would be a good thing, and the fish was very fresh, but the dinner combos at this place were all $35 or more, and even a simple tuna roll cost $7, so I couldn't really chow down. My theory is that the place is included in a Japanese guide book, so they could get away with charging more than anywhere else in the city for small rolls of raw fish.
Maybe that's not fair. It could be just that good that it is worth the price. It might be the find of the year. But I couldn't really afford to investigate fully. And now I just want more sushi. Like all-you-can-eat deep-fried sushi . . .
Tonight is fancy dinner with food blog friend. Yes, I've been eating well lately.
Dillon visits our beloved today. We have mixed feelings about that.
Maybe that's not fair. It could be just that good that it is worth the price. It might be the find of the year. But I couldn't really afford to investigate fully. And now I just want more sushi. Like all-you-can-eat deep-fried sushi . . .
Tonight is fancy dinner with food blog friend. Yes, I've been eating well lately.
Dillon visits our beloved today. We have mixed feelings about that.
I'll have the Express Tandoori Special Please
Salad, Naan, Matar Paneer (peas), Saag Paneer, Chicken Tikka Masala, and 3 pieces of Chicken Tikka. All served together on a metal plate with dividers. I don't think anyone had a better dinner than I did.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Wikipedia?
What the hell is it?? Where did it come from?? Why does it know everything? I think it was invented the same day as youtube. Help me .gov's... explain why wikipedia is the most important thing in the world.
Gone But Not Forgotten
Luckily, as your DC-based correspondent, I will still get to hear about McGahee and his baby mommas on a weekly basis. I enjoy that so many former Bills make homes for themselves in the DC metropolitan area. Anyone care for updates regarding Gregg "Oops, just crapped my pants" Williams?
McGahee Aftermathfarts
I read an article about McGahee today. Which is fine. The more I think about it the better it is. Our beloved has a superstar: Lee Evans. Lee doesn't go around impregnating south Florida. Nor does he claim that the Bills should move to Toronto. Willis was a me first player who was going to be getting out of town as soon as he could next offseason. The Bills made the right move for the franchise by getting something for him in return unlike Nate Clements who just walked. Good trade or bad trade; it's all irrelevant. They got something for him which is much better than nothing.
Another note about the Baltimore/Buffalo trade angle:
A ton of people are going to say that McGahee will do better with McNair rather than JP. I followed this shit closely. I really did. One thing I noticed last fantasy season was that JP actually had a better season than McNair. Want evidence? JP Losman against Steve McNair.
So what's the next move? The Bills sit at #12 and could end up with the second best running back, Marshawn Lynch, in the draft. So, they sign Corey Dillon/Dominic Rhodes to a 1 year contract and let Lynch steal the starters playing time (much like Maroney already did to Dillon). It could be a beautiful thing.
Then again, the Bills could have taken Leinart last year.
Another note about the Baltimore/Buffalo trade angle:
A ton of people are going to say that McGahee will do better with McNair rather than JP. I followed this shit closely. I really did. One thing I noticed last fantasy season was that JP actually had a better season than McNair. Want evidence? JP Losman against Steve McNair.
So what's the next move? The Bills sit at #12 and could end up with the second best running back, Marshawn Lynch, in the draft. So, they sign Corey Dillon/Dominic Rhodes to a 1 year contract and let Lynch steal the starters playing time (much like Maroney already did to Dillon). It could be a beautiful thing.
Then again, the Bills could have taken Leinart last year.
About McGahee
I'm not devastated. I was not impressed with him at all last year. As my brother said, "He's allergic to the endzone." Thanks Willis, thanks for making all those babies.
Sportsfarts
I second Man Boob's enthusiastic post about the Orange. I also followed the game on CBS Sportsline, which meant that I missed, among other things, the new, skin-tight Syracuse uniforms. Few things make me happier than watching Syracuse beat UConn again and again. It looks like Syracuse has tightened their game-- they have a lot of talent, but looked very sloppy in the few games I saw this year. I hope that they've finally pulled things together and don't overthrow as many passes out of bounds.
I'm getting nervous about Our Beloved's running back situation. The Willis trade attempts appear more serious than I previously thought. I don't think that replacing Willis with Dillon is such a great idea, unless Dillon can bring with him the secrets of Bill "Man Titties" Belichick's offense.
I'm getting nervous about Our Beloved's running back situation. The Willis trade attempts appear more serious than I previously thought. I don't think that replacing Willis with Dillon is such a great idea, unless Dillon can bring with him the secrets of Bill "Man Titties" Belichick's offense.
ORANGE
The Big East Tourney has begun! Yesterday afternoon I followed the Cuse game using CBS Sportsline's Gamecenter. A couple of observations:
1) Watching an important basketball game being represented by black circles, hollow circles, x's, and numbers is a very unfulfilling experience.
2) A lot can happen during a 60 second post back. 8 point swings. 2 technical fouls. Calhoun having a melt-down and kicking the Big East sign. CBS needs to work on ASYNCHRONOUS website technology. HTML post backs is, like, 3 years ago...
3) Rautin's arms and legs remind me of wedding fart
4) I pay $75 a month for a high def signal that I can only receive through a proprietary box that weighs 10 pounds and is tethered to the wall in my living room. Screw that! I pay for the content - let me see it wherever, whenever, on whatever. The technology is there, the bandwidth is there - so where's my portable signal????
UPDATE: Wedding fart just let me know that ESPN360 is free this week. Someone finally listened to me!
5) Syracuse continues its dominance at the Big East Tournament - and this year without McNamara throwing up prayers at the buzzer. In 2 hours they match up against Notre Dame - the 20th ranked team in the country. Who would have thought two months ago that we'd have a decent a chance of winning...who???
1) Watching an important basketball game being represented by black circles, hollow circles, x's, and numbers is a very unfulfilling experience.
2) A lot can happen during a 60 second post back. 8 point swings. 2 technical fouls. Calhoun having a melt-down and kicking the Big East sign. CBS needs to work on ASYNCHRONOUS website technology. HTML post backs is, like, 3 years ago...
3) Rautin's arms and legs remind me of wedding fart
4) I pay $75 a month for a high def signal that I can only receive through a proprietary box that weighs 10 pounds and is tethered to the wall in my living room. Screw that! I pay for the content - let me see it wherever, whenever, on whatever. The technology is there, the bandwidth is there - so where's my portable signal????
UPDATE: Wedding fart just let me know that ESPN360 is free this week. Someone finally listened to me!
5) Syracuse continues its dominance at the Big East Tournament - and this year without McNamara throwing up prayers at the buzzer. In 2 hours they match up against Notre Dame - the 20th ranked team in the country. Who would have thought two months ago that we'd have a decent a chance of winning...who???
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Oh Great
Curt Schilling has a blog. That is not the point. The point is, Curt Schilling has posted the longest blog post in the history of the internets.
This is terrible
Things are bad. Really bad. They could be getting worse or better, but read the link. This is what happens when things are HORRIBLE.
Obamafarts
How do I know that we are in the age of Obama? Because Charles Barkely has him on his cell phone, and he may get the endorsement of Greatest Endorser Ever.
I just want to be there when Agent 0 and Obama meet.
I just want to be there when Agent 0 and Obama meet.
3 Medium Pizza Farts, Part II
About two days ago, weddingfarts asked its readers to participate in a survey regarding an extremely polarizing topic - the classification of pizza as a meal. The results were quite revealing. 29% of those surveyed indicated that pizza can always be considered a meal, 29% felt that pizza can never be considered a meal, and the remaining 43% responded that pizza may or may not be a meal depending on the toppings.The hardliners on the left feel that pizza is best categorized as a snack and/or an appetizer. They commonly point to the "unacceptable" ratio of bread and cheese in relation to the toppings. If you piled up each ingredient separately, they surmise, you can clearly see that pizza lacks the nutritional values and 'meat appeal' found in a proper meal.
Within the right-wing constituency, we find a much different story. Pizza is celebrated as a delicious, satisfying meal. People in this category find it perfectly acceptable to eat pizza for lunch, dinner, and even an occasional breakfast. "Pizza is like sex," states one of their more popular slogans, "Even when it's bad, it's good."
This leaves us with the swing voters - a whopping 43% of our readers. These individuals are cognizant of the lack of quality toppings found on the majority of pizzas in America. A plain cheese pizza is not a meal, they feel, but becomes one by adding the proper quantity of meat and fresh vegetables. By adding a side-salad to the mix, even more people are attracted to this middle-of-the-road stance.
This leaves us with one very important question - what is my stance on pizza? I will tell you.
I feel that in this great democracy everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you think that the human eye is proof of intelligent design, so be it. If you feel that the jury is out on global warming, fine. If you think that the holocaust was a hoax, then you are an idiot...and if you think that a cheese, pepperoni, or sausage pizza is a meal, you have that right. But you are mistaken. Sure, you will live if you eat it for dinner, just like you can subside off of a birthday cake or buckets of KFC or ten days of only eating matzo. But no one can deny that pizza lacks the proper servings of vegetables and meat. I am sorry if this hurts to hear.
So is pizza not a meal? Is it really just an appetizer or a snack? What I am about to say will shock you - especially if you have known me since my drooling stage. There are conditions in which pizza can be considered a meal - albeit I maintain that these conditions are rare. This requires a lot of toppings - a lot. An accompanying salad and wings further the argument for classifying pizza as a meal – and yes, boneless wings count...
I would like to thank everyone who has participated in this debate and I apologize to any of our readers whose dinner plans for tonight are now ruined.
Terrified
For the past several days I have only been able to watch 1 hour of TV. Not because I'm limiting myself, but because I'm significantly bored with it.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
WEDDINGFARTS, J., concurring in part, dissenting in part.
Having reviewed the views of my distinguished brethren on the matter of boneless chicken "wings," I feel it incumbent upon me to share my own, slightly different set of thoughts.
I believe that there is common ground between the three of us on several important points:
My feelings on the matter are mixed. My instincts are to side with Man Boobs, and I sympathize with his view (but unfortunately not his skill) that flats just aren't as hard to eat as commonly thought. But I appreciate, at the same time, several of the food innovations that have been made possible by boneless "wings." For example: the buffalo chicken salad. In other words, the boneless "wing" should not be viewed as a replacement to the wing, but as an extension of its beauty, grace, and power which enables the consuption of buffalo-ness in non-wing settings.
So I suggest this: Boneless "wings" should never be eaten when sitting at a bar watching a game, when ordering food at home, or when pizza is served at the same meal. It is acceptable to eat boneless "wings," however, when they are incorporated into a sandwich with tomato or in a salad with blue cheese dressing, when they are eaten at lunch, when eating a buttoned-down shirt that had been cleaned within the last week, or when sweating in front of females is of major concern.
I have a feeling that, if the three of us were to sit down, there is no question as to what we'd order.
The more important question is: who would eat the most?
I believe that there is common ground between the three of us on several important points:
- Wings (you know which ones I'm talking about) occupy a singular position in each of our weekly "menus";
- All else being equal, and the proper conditions having attained, boneless "wings" have never, should never, and will never, be ordered in place of wings;
- And-- I'm going out on a limb here, since Man Boobs did not expressly state this view-- it isn't always easy to eat wings. I feel that I can say this because Man Boobs stains shirts at about the same frequency I do, which is to say, most days of the week.
My feelings on the matter are mixed. My instincts are to side with Man Boobs, and I sympathize with his view (but unfortunately not his skill) that flats just aren't as hard to eat as commonly thought. But I appreciate, at the same time, several of the food innovations that have been made possible by boneless "wings." For example: the buffalo chicken salad. In other words, the boneless "wing" should not be viewed as a replacement to the wing, but as an extension of its beauty, grace, and power which enables the consuption of buffalo-ness in non-wing settings.
So I suggest this: Boneless "wings" should never be eaten when sitting at a bar watching a game, when ordering food at home, or when pizza is served at the same meal. It is acceptable to eat boneless "wings," however, when they are incorporated into a sandwich with tomato or in a salad with blue cheese dressing, when they are eaten at lunch, when eating a buttoned-down shirt that had been cleaned within the last week, or when sweating in front of females is of major concern.
I have a feeling that, if the three of us were to sit down, there is no question as to what we'd order.
The more important question is: who would eat the most?
Man Boobs may be right... or wrong
Man Boobs stated very clearly that the chicken wing is the way to go in the debate over boneless vs. bone-in wings. He mentioned something about the process of making a boneless wing.
I want to set the record straight and let you, faithful weddingfarters, know that I once saw Man Boobs eat 4 McChicken sandwiches in one sitting.
What does that have to do with anything? Well I'm glad you asked. Not much.
The wing vs. boneless debate is really just a question of how dirty you want to get, what day it is, what time it is, and what you have to do for the rest of the day. If it's a monday, and it's lunch time, and you have a meeting in 45 minutes, and you're wearing a blue button down shirt, you would go boneless. If it's a sunday and our beloved are playing and you have 2 root beers and you have the apartment to yourself and your hanging out with friend and you have a bag of reeces pieces and lays potato chips then you clearly go bone in.
I hate to simplify it in this way, but it's a matter of circumstance. The bottom line is that you need wings in one form or another, and you have to be aware of all the surrounding factors. Just remember... You need wings.
I want to set the record straight and let you, faithful weddingfarters, know that I once saw Man Boobs eat 4 McChicken sandwiches in one sitting.
What does that have to do with anything? Well I'm glad you asked. Not much.
The wing vs. boneless debate is really just a question of how dirty you want to get, what day it is, what time it is, and what you have to do for the rest of the day. If it's a monday, and it's lunch time, and you have a meeting in 45 minutes, and you're wearing a blue button down shirt, you would go boneless. If it's a sunday and our beloved are playing and you have 2 root beers and you have the apartment to yourself and your hanging out with friend and you have a bag of reeces pieces and lays potato chips then you clearly go bone in.
I hate to simplify it in this way, but it's a matter of circumstance. The bottom line is that you need wings in one form or another, and you have to be aware of all the surrounding factors. Just remember... You need wings.
3 Medium Pizza Farts
This has been a lifelong debate for myself and anyone who has ever said "lets order pizza for dinner" in my presence. I decided that before I go on a tirade regarding this topic, I would let you, the reader, weigh in. What do you think?
Monday, March 05, 2007
Obamafarts
This is the inaugural post for a new type of farts: Obamafarts. I, weddingfarts, your DC-based correspondent, will probably have lots to contribute to Obamafarts over the next couple of years, and perhaps far into the future.
You may wonder, is this because I really like Obama? You may wonder that, but that would make you an idiot. Because Obama is not something to like or not like. We don't experience Obama on the basis of normal human emotion, or even on the basis of rational contemplation of competing political visions, narratives, and values. I realized this today at fancy lunch, which was delicious. Fancy lunch consisted of perfectly seared scallops, which were much better than the scallops I had last night at neighborhood italian place, grilled trout with creamy buttery sauce, and very chococately cake with butter cream everything. Good lunch.
But I'm not talking about lunch. I'm talking about Obama. Or rather, I'm just living in the age of Obama. Everything I talk about is actually about Obama, even if I'm not actually saying "Obama." Like fancy lunch.
The point is: we don't choose the age we get to live it. It doesn't matter if we like it or not. Do I like Wegmans? That's not a question. Wegmans is part of life. Do I like sunshine in the morning? Do I like oceans full of water? Do you see what I'm getting at?
Of course I like Obama. He's everything we've ever wanted a politician to be. I can't wait to find out that he's actually Jewish too. But it doesn't matter. The question really is: does Obama like us?
You may wonder, is this because I really like Obama? You may wonder that, but that would make you an idiot. Because Obama is not something to like or not like. We don't experience Obama on the basis of normal human emotion, or even on the basis of rational contemplation of competing political visions, narratives, and values. I realized this today at fancy lunch, which was delicious. Fancy lunch consisted of perfectly seared scallops, which were much better than the scallops I had last night at neighborhood italian place, grilled trout with creamy buttery sauce, and very chococately cake with butter cream everything. Good lunch.
But I'm not talking about lunch. I'm talking about Obama. Or rather, I'm just living in the age of Obama. Everything I talk about is actually about Obama, even if I'm not actually saying "Obama." Like fancy lunch.
The point is: we don't choose the age we get to live it. It doesn't matter if we like it or not. Do I like Wegmans? That's not a question. Wegmans is part of life. Do I like sunshine in the morning? Do I like oceans full of water? Do you see what I'm getting at?
Of course I like Obama. He's everything we've ever wanted a politician to be. I can't wait to find out that he's actually Jewish too. But it doesn't matter. The question really is: does Obama like us?
Bracket - Weddingfarts Style
Here it is. .gov's we're going to need your help here.
Round 1:
Marty McFly - bye
Chewie vs. Teen Wolf
Ivan Drago vs. Boba Fett
Biff Tannan vs. Clubber Lang
Rocky Balboa (from 1,2,3,4, and Rocky Balboa) vs. Rocky from Rocky 5
Thunder Lips vs. Lando
Any Ewok - bye
Special Treat
There is nothing better than having a day off and turning on the TV,
flipping through the channels and finding that the Empire Strikes
Back is on.
flipping through the channels and finding that the Empire Strikes
Back is on.
Which brings me to a very important conversation; ranking the great
movie series' of my childhood.
We'll do this in an organized fashion. Title of Movie and then
Ranking by Sequel.
Back to the Future: easily 1, 2, 3
Star Wars: I'm not going to fuck around with the bullshit craphole
1-3 nonsense. It goes like this, empire, new hope, Jedi, crappy one
where Anakin turns into Vader, crappy clone war one with Samuel L.
Jackson being a douchey Jedi, really crappy first one where Jar Jar
just about makes everyone puke.
Rocky: 4,1,3,2, Rocky Balboa
Teen Wolf: 1,2
Skin And Bones
Do you like boneless chicken wings?
I do not like them
Man boobs I am
I do not like
Boneless chicken wings
I do not like them in blue cheese
I do not like them listening to Brother Wease
I do not like them fried in Greece (pardon the pun)
Would you eat them in a ski club fleece?
Would you eat them with the Buffalo police?
No!!!!
Buffalo Wings are, by definition, the wing section of a chicken. Wing sections contain bones. The bones provide an unparalleled level of moisture and tenderness. The chunk of cartilage on the end of a drum provides an all-natural, non-greasy, cool-to-the-touch handle perfect for hungry human hands. And don't forget about the flats. Oh the flats. The next time you eat a flat, the following procedure is a must:
1) Insert the entire wing into your mouth
2) Lightly close down with your teeth
3) While sucking in with an even pressure, gently pull the bones out of your mouth
If done correctly, you can eat the entire chicken wing in one smooth, fluid motion.
Fried ground-up chicken breast cannot compete - even when dipped in hot sauce and butter (what a brilliant sauce!).
I do not like them
Man boobs I am
I do not like
Boneless chicken wings
I do not like them in blue cheese
I do not like them listening to Brother Wease
I do not like them fried in Greece (pardon the pun)
Would you eat them in a ski club fleece?
Would you eat them with the Buffalo police?
No!!!!
Buffalo Wings are, by definition, the wing section of a chicken. Wing sections contain bones. The bones provide an unparalleled level of moisture and tenderness. The chunk of cartilage on the end of a drum provides an all-natural, non-greasy, cool-to-the-touch handle perfect for hungry human hands. And don't forget about the flats. Oh the flats. The next time you eat a flat, the following procedure is a must:
1) Insert the entire wing into your mouth
2) Lightly close down with your teeth
3) While sucking in with an even pressure, gently pull the bones out of your mouth
If done correctly, you can eat the entire chicken wing in one smooth, fluid motion.
Fried ground-up chicken breast cannot compete - even when dipped in hot sauce and butter (what a brilliant sauce!).
Please Leave Our Beloved Alone
Peter King isn't so thrilled about Our Beloved's recent signings of three offensive linemen, intimating that Our Beloved have paid too much for not enough talent. Please, Peter: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. These three are all we have right now.
Although, I like Bob Matthew's suggestion of picking up Michael Turner from San Diego. Turner! Turner! Turner!
Although, I like Bob Matthew's suggestion of picking up Michael Turner from San Diego. Turner! Turner! Turner!
Recent Happenings in Food Farts
On Friday, we here at the law firm of Partner & Partner had an impromptu happy hour in the restaurant in our building that featured, among other crustacean delights, lobster tails and lobster claws. So I went to Maine and ate lobster last week, although not like that.
The thing is, I don't really like lobster that much. Or, I like it just fine, but it isn't so special to me that I'd pay a lot of money for it. It's not like I sit at home and think, oh man, I really wish I could order a lobster now, but I guess I'll settle for delicious chicken wings instead. I'd rather have the chicken wings. But that won't stop me from eating it when it's handed to me on a platter of ice, surrounded by cocktail shrimp, crab meat and fried calamari. I'm just saying.
Speaking of which: man boobs, what are your thoughts on boneless chicken wings? I have a feeling this may be a subject of great controversy for weddingfarts the blog.
Stay tuned: I'm off to fancy lunch with partner soon. He's my mentor. That means fancy lunch in law firm speak.
The thing is, I don't really like lobster that much. Or, I like it just fine, but it isn't so special to me that I'd pay a lot of money for it. It's not like I sit at home and think, oh man, I really wish I could order a lobster now, but I guess I'll settle for delicious chicken wings instead. I'd rather have the chicken wings. But that won't stop me from eating it when it's handed to me on a platter of ice, surrounded by cocktail shrimp, crab meat and fried calamari. I'm just saying.
Speaking of which: man boobs, what are your thoughts on boneless chicken wings? I have a feeling this may be a subject of great controversy for weddingfarts the blog.
Stay tuned: I'm off to fancy lunch with partner soon. He's my mentor. That means fancy lunch in law firm speak.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Ivy League Moves by Our Beloved
Almost as much fun as watching our beloved play 7-9 football is watching the way that our beloved manages the offseason. We lost Nate Clements and London Fletcher-Baker-Weinstein in free agency to the 49ers and the Redskins. We knew we were going to lose Clements, because we have a very strong policy of not paying good players when there are perfectly fine players with broken legs, broken ribs, and heart conditions out there who are willing to play for us, and because we never learned how to say his last name. But losing Fletcher-Baker-Weinstein is a mistake. The man ran our defense. That was kind of important, especially given our offense.
I'm sure that everything will be fine when the draft rolls around. Hopefully there will be a 5'8'' safety or kicker named Josh with a couple of baby mommas and a torn ACL that we can sign early in the first round. Extra points if he is from Miami and doesn't like to play in snow.
Our beloved just makes me want to shout.
I'm sure that everything will be fine when the draft rolls around. Hopefully there will be a 5'8'' safety or kicker named Josh with a couple of baby mommas and a torn ACL that we can sign early in the first round. Extra points if he is from Miami and doesn't like to play in snow.
Our beloved just makes me want to shout.
Friday, March 02, 2007
.gov - a plea
We have a site meter that tracks our weddingfarts.
Recently people other than the authors have been reading the site. It could be people like me who read the whole internet daily or it could be out of love and devotion to the authors of this award winning site. We won a Shitty this year for being a shitty blog.
We would like your help
If you are reading this blog from a .gov web address please tell one other .gov person about weddingfarts. Maybe if enough people with a .gov address read weddingfarts we might be able to make some real progress. We can't help but imagine...
Imagine the viral impact of all the .gov's who are kept in the know about what 3 people eat for lunch.
Imagine the outpouring of ideas and support when we don't know what to eat for lunch.
Imagine you telling us what you had for lunch.
Imagine Dr. Cox.gov reading about his shaved head and crappy appearance in Wild Hogs.
The world is our Oyster (and ribs). Help us help you.
With undying love and devotion,
Team weddingfarts
Recently people other than the authors have been reading the site. It could be people like me who read the whole internet daily or it could be out of love and devotion to the authors of this award winning site. We won a Shitty this year for being a shitty blog.
We would like your help
If you are reading this blog from a .gov web address please tell one other .gov person about weddingfarts. Maybe if enough people with a .gov address read weddingfarts we might be able to make some real progress. We can't help but imagine...
Imagine the viral impact of all the .gov's who are kept in the know about what 3 people eat for lunch.
Imagine the outpouring of ideas and support when we don't know what to eat for lunch.
Imagine you telling us what you had for lunch.
Imagine Dr. Cox.gov reading about his shaved head and crappy appearance in Wild Hogs.
The world is our Oyster (and ribs). Help us help you.
With undying love and devotion,
Team weddingfarts
Dr. Cox?
I was very shocked when I watched last night's "new" scrubs. The only thing that was new about the show was that Dr. Cox shaved his head. I'm getting concerned. I also noticed this week that the shittiest movie of all time, Wild Hogs, comes out. You know who's in that movie? Dr. Cox.
Wild Hogs will be the shitties movie of all time for numerous reasons:
1. Dr. Cox who is clearly losing it and is now bald plays a law enforcement agent.
2. John Travolta wears a Nate Clements Do-Rag thing on his head and is a Scientologist.
3. Tim Allen is not Santa Claus.
4. William H. Macy is far removed from his days as the Cooler.
5. Martin Lawrence really begins to settle in as an adult contemporary actor.
Other reasons why it is shitty: It's about motorcylces.
Reasons why it might be good: There is no Hartnett, Ledger, or Arm Pitt in it.
Reasons why it might be shitty/or might be good: Elliot Reid is not in it. She's going to be huge in the next 2 years. Bigger than Jolie.
But back to Scrubs and Dr. Cox: Scrubs sucked because we'd seen it all before. I wanted more of JD sleeping in a tent and being confused about his ex-girlfriend. I want more of Turk being a dad. I want more of very pregnant Jordan.
What did I get? I got fucking bullshit craphole flashbacks of stuff I've seen a billion times.
Did I mention that Dr. Cox shaved his head? I'm concerned. It was almost as jarring as Jack Nicholson at the Academy Awards.
Wild Hogs will be the shitties movie of all time for numerous reasons:
1. Dr. Cox who is clearly losing it and is now bald plays a law enforcement agent.
2. John Travolta wears a Nate Clements Do-Rag thing on his head and is a Scientologist.
3. Tim Allen is not Santa Claus.
4. William H. Macy is far removed from his days as the Cooler.
5. Martin Lawrence really begins to settle in as an adult contemporary actor.
Other reasons why it is shitty: It's about motorcylces.
Reasons why it might be good: There is no Hartnett, Ledger, or Arm Pitt in it.
Reasons why it might be shitty/or might be good: Elliot Reid is not in it. She's going to be huge in the next 2 years. Bigger than Jolie.
But back to Scrubs and Dr. Cox: Scrubs sucked because we'd seen it all before. I wanted more of JD sleeping in a tent and being confused about his ex-girlfriend. I want more of Turk being a dad. I want more of very pregnant Jordan.
What did I get? I got fucking bullshit craphole flashbacks of stuff I've seen a billion times.
Did I mention that Dr. Cox shaved his head? I'm concerned. It was almost as jarring as Jack Nicholson at the Academy Awards.
Shrimp Heads
Put your fingers up to your nose, close your eyes, and take a deep whiff. Seriously, give it a try. What do you smell? Do you smell garlic, cayenne pepper, Tabasco, dry mustard, allspice, dill, red pepper, with a hint of bay leaves? Me too! There is nothing like a Louisiana style shrimp boil to celebrate the last meal of the work week.
I am blessed.
Now smell your armpit - Old Spice?
I am blessed.
Now smell your armpit - Old Spice?
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Headhunters
I got a call from a headhunter today. No, not like the album.
He had actually left me a message on Monday, but I was in Maine. Have I mentioned that? He didn't say that he was a headhunter. He said that I had been referred to him and he was calling about a project. Hmmm, I thought. I rarely get mysterious calls, especially at my work number. But I called him back.
When I got him on the phone, he said he'd have to call me back because he just spilled his Starbucks everywhere. I knew I was dealing with a winner.
When he called back he said that he forgot who I was and why he called me. I said I had no idea who he was or why had left me a message. I felt my mysterious phone call slipping away from me. Then he put it all together. He said he remembered who I was, and then he said he was looking at a picture of me. I didn't really appreciate that. He said that I had been referred to him again, but didn't say by whom. He said that he knew that I worked at a firm that did a specialized type of law and asked if I ever thought about working somewhere less interesting and for more hours. He promised he wouldn't place me at a firm where I wouldn't see the light of day, but didn't really offer more specifics than that. I said that, well, I had given that some thought, but that didn't sound like such something I was interested in. He asked if he could keep calling me to pester me. I said I'd rather he'd not. We left it at that. And then I thought: do I like my job? Well, yes, I like my job a whole lot. Leave me alone.
I wish it was the album calling instead.
He had actually left me a message on Monday, but I was in Maine. Have I mentioned that? He didn't say that he was a headhunter. He said that I had been referred to him and he was calling about a project. Hmmm, I thought. I rarely get mysterious calls, especially at my work number. But I called him back.
When I got him on the phone, he said he'd have to call me back because he just spilled his Starbucks everywhere. I knew I was dealing with a winner.
When he called back he said that he forgot who I was and why he called me. I said I had no idea who he was or why had left me a message. I felt my mysterious phone call slipping away from me. Then he put it all together. He said he remembered who I was, and then he said he was looking at a picture of me. I didn't really appreciate that. He said that I had been referred to him again, but didn't say by whom. He said that he knew that I worked at a firm that did a specialized type of law and asked if I ever thought about working somewhere less interesting and for more hours. He promised he wouldn't place me at a firm where I wouldn't see the light of day, but didn't really offer more specifics than that. I said that, well, I had given that some thought, but that didn't sound like such something I was interested in. He asked if he could keep calling me to pester me. I said I'd rather he'd not. We left it at that. And then I thought: do I like my job? Well, yes, I like my job a whole lot. Leave me alone.
I wish it was the album calling instead.
SI players
I've been reading Sports Illustrated since I was probably 8 years
old. In the past two years or so they've introduced a segment called
Players which is the most interesting in the magazine. In the
Players section they have something called the Pop Culture Grid. In
the pop culture grid athletes are asked to their feelings on various
things. In this week's issue they are asked "What Britney's Shaved
head looks like" and "What TV show they would like to guest star on."
old. In the past two years or so they've introduced a segment called
Players which is the most interesting in the magazine. In the
Players section they have something called the Pop Culture Grid. In
the pop culture grid athletes are asked to their feelings on various
things. In this week's issue they are asked "What Britney's Shaved
head looks like" and "What TV show they would like to guest star on."
The point isn't that athletes answer these questions. The point is
that I find that I relate most to the answers that the Hockey players
give. This is distressing because I don't like hockey. I find it
boring. Although two observations about Hockey are important:
1. The Sabres are wearing their old jersey's.
2. The logo for the Nashville Predators has got to be humiliating for the city. Also, notice the goalie doing a Ta-da move.
Day off
This will be an ongoing update on what I've done on my day off:
9:44am - woke up
10:00am - checked email
10:03am - checked ESPN
10:04am - checked deadspin
10:05am - turned on TV
10:05am - now - watched American Splendor
Stay tuned
9:44am - woke up
10:00am - checked email
10:03am - checked ESPN
10:04am - checked deadspin
10:05am - turned on TV
10:05am - now - watched American Splendor
Stay tuned
Lunchfarts
Today I got a gyro from the good roast beef place. Just trying to mix things up. The meat was tasty. I couldn't tell you about the gyro sauce, since most of it ended up on my pants.
As a result, I can't get up from my desk for at least half an hour.
My co-bloggers are both major disappointments.
As a result, I can't get up from my desk for at least half an hour.
My co-bloggers are both major disappointments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
You enjoy our sideburn