iphone?

You can never say never, so there is a chance that someday I will continue to immerse myself in a pool of douche by getting an iphone.

I'm intrigued by it, but now I'm not so sure. I read something about how they could be adding GPS to it. The way that they would do that is by adding something called a dongle. I'm not sure what a dongle is, but I can see a few things happening.

Q. Hey what's that on your iphone?
A. Oh it's my dong-le

Q. What is that lying on your car seat?
A. My dong-le

Q. How do you get to DC Wingos?
A. I don't know. Let me check out my dong-le

Q. Shit we're lost in Phoenix, what are we going to do? It seems like they moved the freeway
A. I don't even think that my dong-le is gps-y enough to figure out the Phoenix freeway system.

BillsBrownsfarts

Enough of the Mitchell Report. Roger Clemens took steroids. He's 45 years old and probably has no balls at this point. He also has 4 kids or so whose names start with the letter K. Power to him for naming his kids with K names and for loving baseball so much that he wanted to play forever. Based on the aches and pains that I feel as a 29 year old who is as inactive as possible, I would be intrigued with something that made me feel like I was 23. Granted, I would never partake because I'm afraid of needles.

Here is the first ever Weddingfarts "Big Bills Game" preview.

This Sunday: Bills vs. Browns

The last time the Bills played the Browns this person was the QB.




He was awesome. We always felt like the game was ours with Jim Kelly leading the way. There was also Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, Bruce Smith, Darryl Talley, Kent Hull, Will Wolford, and Mark Kelso (double helmet Mark)

The Browns were led by sidearm Bernie.

The Bills won and Don Beebe bounced off of his head. That was really scary as an 11 year old. I thought he was dead.



Now the Bills have a quarterback who threw 4 touchdowns last week (double wristband Trent), Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and some people on defense.



Watching the Bills gives me intense uncertainty. They aren't very good. They are very mediocre. Yet somehow they stay in the game. Dick Jauron looks like a corpse, but apparently he is a decent coach. Either that or he is very lucky.

The Bills probably won't win on Sunday, but it could be close. Especially if Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis (who is terrifying. Did you see his touchdown run against the Jets last week?), Braylon Edwards (who brotherfart has on his fantasy team and is very pleased with), and Kellen Winslow Jr. all play at least mildly well.

The Browns and Bills are in similar situations. Both teams on the rise who are playing over their heads. The prediction is this:

Browns 27
Bills 17

It's been a rough dayfart

As the national pastime crumbles before our eyes here is something that will never let us down.

And Now On A Serious Note Fart

NOTE: POST UPDATED BELOW.

So, a few preliminaries: I haven't been a fan of baseball all of my life, although I've been a serious fan since I lived in Boston and got sucked into the losing ways of the Boston Red Sox (which turned out to only last through the first year of my rooting for them. Who knew?). And I've been pretty bored of the Barry Bonds/Steroids story-- yes, steroids are bad, but it's a complicated issue when you get down to it, because it's not very clear where acceptable "enhancement"-- and even acceptable cheating-- should end and where unacceptable cheating should begin. I mean, steroids clearly falls on one side of that line, but it's hard to make a moral issue out of it when you're looking at the picture of how people succeed in baseball.

With that said, I was a lot more affected than I expected to be when I saw the list of players that-- rumor has it (AND BY THIS I MEAN I AM NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE ON ANY LIST HAS USED STEROIDS, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT RUMORS I'VE HEARD)-- will be named in the Mitchell Report. It included a lot of players that I loved to watch play and rooted (and still root) strongly for. I felt cheated and shocked. Which I guess is the point of the whole exercise. This is going to be a lot harder for baseball and the sports world to deal with than I had initially thought.

Where is the list? You can find it on various sports gossip sites, and the real list is coming out soon enough. I'm not posting it here, because every player on the list is calling their lawyer right now, and I have enough work to do as it is.

UPDATE: Well, the official list is out, and it appears, at least in my quick glance, to be quite different in some respects than the rumor list. I also note that it does not even appear that all of the listed players are necessarily accused of having used steroids. So take it for what it is, which might not be very much at all. Still, a lousy day to be Roger Clemens.

Fairchildfarts

The guy who couldn't made JP look good and who had Trent fall into his lap is leaving the Bills.  In my opinion that makes for some good news.  Good luck to the entire state of Colorado .  Expect a few fumbles, interceptions, and general flailing.

Review Fart - Kinoko No Yama

This afternoon I was walking around a Japanese grocery store with some co-workers and I spotted a fanciful container covered with dancing chocolate mushrooms floating over softly rolling hills speckled with quaint cottages and lush greenery. The packaging was so intriguing that I had to purchase a box. My co-workers were surprised at my choice in snacks, to say the least. To our delight, the mushrooms were delicious. The chocolate cap is fresh and creamy and the cookie stalk keeps your fingers free of any chocolate residue. It was a wonderful snack experience which I highly recommend to everyone - especially gentle .gov's looking for unique, non-messy ways to satisfy their chocolate cravings.

Awesomefarts

I watched this before I left for work. It made things better. Did I mention that I'm getting fillings today? Super, right?

This video made getting filling ok.

knotfarts

Every 2-3 weeks I wake up with a knot in the same place in my back.  Near my shoulder.  It sucks.  Today is one of those days.  Here are just a few other reasons why my day could be semi-shitty.

*****All of the following has happened in the last hour*****

1.  I have a knot in my back that hurts.
2.  It is 8am on a Sunday and I'm already showered and thinking about how crappy my previous hour was.
3.  I carried hula hoops in to work.
4.  I carried puzzles in to work.
5.  Somehow my sleeve got all wet.
6.  My breakfast was two pieces of cheese and two slices of roast beef.
7.  I listened to NPR.
8.  I forgot my ipod.
9.  I then listened to the radio and heard the shittiest song ever.  Something by Moron 5 (yes I know it's Maroon (yes I'm bitter))

.govs, have a better beginning of your day than I have.

sense of humorfart

It seems like several players on our beloved have a sense of humor. That's good.

CUPCAKE DAY!!!

In an effort to increase efficiency, decrease costs, and maintain a minimum level of morale, my client has implemented a cupcake birthday policy. Today happens to be cupcake day for the 4th quarter. So, without further adieu....

Happy Birthday to October, November, & December babies!!!!

(Wedding Farts - you probably thought that I forgot all about you)

Excuse me while I go claim my cupcake.

On a more serious notefart

Around the weddingfart quality control center we think about 5 things:

1.  Farts
2.  Lunch
3.  Dinner
4.  Our beloved
5.  Rocky 3

However we have all been following the progress of Kevin Everett and are happy to tell you that things are looking much much better than originally reported.  Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com you should know that we've been pulling for you.  Kevin Everett, if you ever read www.weddingfarts.blogspot.com we would love to eat wings with you.

ColdFarts: Day 4

Day 4 of cold hell has been snot day. My nose is the most productive thing about me today. It's like a fucking magic show. Oh, here's a tissue! Blow! What? I have to blow again? What the fuck!?

I know you don't really want to hear about my snotty nose. But I can't remember what I had for lunch today because I couldn't taste it. So you'll have to bear with me.

So, to make up for this grossness I introduce you to my favorite NFL-season Thursday afternoon feature: Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo. Beware, gentle .govs, he says some pretty awful things that are NSFW, as they say. So, if you're keeping score at home: Monday brings Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column, Tuesday brings Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column as well as Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column Tuesday Edition, Wednesday usually brings a Sports Guy post as well as Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column Wednesday edition (now on a bi-weekly basis), Thursday is owned by the Dick Joke Jambaroo, Friday is Simmon's football picks (now too late to be helpful in pick'ems because of the Thursday night games that I'll never to get to see), Saturday is Shabbat, and Sunday, well there are actual football games on Sunday, in addition to a lot of talking about them.

Now back to blowing my nose.

ColdFarts

I've been in cold hell for the past three days. What's that like? I'll tell you:

First day: I think I'm going die. Doesn't everyone feel this way? Is this going to last forever? I think it's going to last forever.

Second day: Wow, yesterday was awful, I must feel better today. Let's get up, we'll get out of bed . . . wait, fuck. I feel like I'm going to die. Told you this was going to last forever.

Third day: That wasn't so bad, a two-day cold. At least I didn't have a lot of snot. Ach-hoo. That's funny, I wasn't sneezing much yesterday. Ach-hoo. Ach-hoo. Oh good, snot. Why does my head still hurt?

Earlyfarts?

For the first time in quite some time I'm not running 10 minutes late.  I'm running 10 minutes early.  I've never been in this situation before.  .gov's, loyal weddingfarters help me out.  What do you do when you are running 10 minutes early?

Here's what I've done so far and I still have 4 minutes to spare:

1.  Thought about breakfast and lunch
2.  created a fantasy NBA team
3.  Looked at facebook
4.  cleared my throat
5.  Made sure I have all my stuff ready for work.

This is pretty excitingfart

They exist. Probably my biggest fearfart

Survey Fart

If you had to give up either beef or dessert, which would you choose?

	Beef
	Dessert
Free polls from Pollhost.com

NOTE: This decision would be effective for the rest of your natural life. Giving up beef would mean that you could never stick another fiber of cow flesh into your mouth - including hamburgers, t-bones, meatballs, and prime rib. Dessert covers every single sweat and delicious treat you can think of, from chocolate Bon Bons to key lime pie.

Laundryfarts and meat dietfarts

It is certainly nice to have a resurgence here for team weddingfarts.  We're back and 1 month from the upcoming sailor jacket nuptials.  We'll document the farts as they come up.

First off:  Laundryfarts

My laundry room has been in constant use today.  Fiancee and I did about 7 loads.  That's 7 loads washed at $1.25 and 7 loads dried at $7.00.  That's $16.50.  You can get several awesome burgers for $16.50.

The point is that life was a lot better from 1996-2002 when I did laundry once every 1 1/2 months.

Chicks and .gov's totally dig me.

Secondly:  Meat dietfarts

I'm on the meat diet until the nuptials.  It's awesome... meat, cheese, wings.  Only for a month though.  However, it's really interfering with my output.  Everything in the fart department is all in a tither.

Did I mention that I have incredible luck with women and judges?

TMQ Haiku

Regular .gov readers of this site know that I have historically been very enthusiastic about TMQ, the very long football column that was first on Slate, then on ESPN, then on Football Outsiders, then on NFL.com, and then back on ESPN. It contains a lot of information about football, and takes up a huge chunk of Tuesday to read it.

I haven't had much to say about TMQ recently because, well, I'm still feeling guilty about not writing the baseball post in the spring, so I haven't been blogging, and because I'm kind of over the schtick of the TMQ author, Gregg Easterbrook. He writes like an pretentious arrogant prick, and I've usually thought that was mostly an act, but really I'm not sure. The good folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber kind of turned me around on the guy. I still read him, but the spark is gone.

Anyway, this past week, his column hit kind of close to home. It ended thusly:

Bonus Obscure Score: St. John Fisher 38, Curry 7. (Division III playoffs.) Located in Rochester, N.Y., St. John Fisher College has a school of nursing endowed by Robert Wegman, founder of the supermarket chain. Located mainly in non-booming old-industrial areas such as upstate New York and central Pennsylvania, Wegmans are the greatest supermarkets out there. Many Wegmans have entire internal food courts of higher quality than most delis and Italian restaurants. When, oh when, will a Wegmans open near me?

One of the pretentious prick things about TMQ is that he likes to post haikus by his readers. And make no mistake, I'm a pretentious prick myself. So I sent this email to TMQ:

Gregg,

Please do not despair
Wegmans abounds in NoVA
And soon: Frederick.


http://www.wegmans.com/about/storeLocator/


Cheers,

Weddingfarts (in Washington, D.C., by way of Rochester, N.Y.)

To which I received an automated response from TMQ promoting his book that has nothing to do about football. To which I say: eh. (I'd post the response here, but I haven't asked for his permission, and I think that's poor blog etiquette. I may be a prick, but I'm always polite.)

DMV Pickup Lines

For some reason I started thinking about this while standing in line at the DMV today. I have already found the love of my life, so they are of no use to me, but I'm always looking out for my fellow farts. Happy hunting, lonely .gov's:

1) Lets save us a trip and change your name and address while we're here

2) I can't wait to tell our kids that we met in line at the DMV

3) I got a DUI and ran over a kitten. What are you doing here?

4) I'm an organ donor.

Welcome, New Weddingfarters

These are recent Google searches which have brought kind and well meaning readers to our blog:

fart website
creation of the cheeseburger
weddingfarts
pull my finger fred
east coast patch
what to expect on first day of jury duty in florida

I'm glad that we can be of service to so many. Another fun weddingfarts fact: we are also one of the top rated blog on google for "losman farts."

Keep up the good work.

Ribs, Y'all

I was feeling a bit warn down this afternoon so we decided to go eat some BBQ. We went to Thompson Brothers, a hole-in-the wall establishment that a couple of frat boys from UGA opened up two years ago. Their sauce is sweet and tangy, their sliced pork is pink and juicy, and their bologna sandwich is rated #1 in Atlanta. I guess those Dawgs are good at more than just football.

NOTE: Nothing makes a computer programmer feel better than sucking the meat and fat off of a bone that recently belonged to a well fed pig.....except of course for the release of Visual Studio 2008 coupled with the new 3.5 .NET Framework. Did someone just whisper "Silverlight" into my ear?

The Elevator

I have always strived to be a true romantic. I write poetry that involves kisses so soft that you can't even feel them. I create elaborate birthday gifts with separate compartments for each of the senses. I call ahead to hotels to have flowers and chocolate laid out on our bed. I even create whipped-cream hearts on every pastry, pie, and strawberry covered pancake I've ever served to my bride. Then came the elevator.

The building that I work in has a bank of six elevators, three on each side of the wall. Every morning we gather on the first floor and wait for an elevator to arrive. Before the elevator doors open, an arrow pointing upwards is illuminated followed by a faint beep. The elevators are a bit spread out and the loading cycle is short so you need to move quickly once the doors start opening. Once inside the elevator, there is small flat-screen monitor that displays news, interesting facts, and trivia. It is imperative that you secure a spot on the elevator with a good view of the television.

The problem is that down south, the rule of thumb is to always let the girl go first. Always. As we approach the elevator, all of the guys step to the side and let the girls get on first. Even if you have been waiting 45 seconds and the girl has only waited 10 seconds, she is guaranteed a spot on the elevator. I understand the rationalization - they give birth to babies and deal with blood and mucus on a monthly basis - they should get preference here.

Where I take offence, however, is when it is time to get off. Since the girls loaded first they are now at the back of the elevator. Every stop we make, the guys part so that if a girl is getting off, she can go first. Everyone steps out of the way and watches as the girl squeezes through and walks down the hall. Then the guys follow, usually with their eyes fixated on the back of the girl in front of them.

It's ridiculous for many reasons. First off, it would be faster for everyone if the guys exited the elevator first. In the warehousing industry it is known as LIFO - Last In, First Out. The analogy often used to describe LIFO is a crowded elevator (as explained in the first paragraph of this article).

Secondly, the end result of this policy is a bunch of guys staring at some poor girl's back end. If it were my wife in the elevator, I would much prefer the guys exit first before she struts her stuff down the hall. Sometimes the guys even snicker to each other after the girl has left. It's disgusting.

Finally, if you are one of the poor soles who needs to stay on the elevator you are forced into a very stressful position. Either you can press yourself uncomfortably against the wall so that the girl has enough room to squeeze by or you can exit the elevator to make room. Exiting the elevator is dangerous since no one is certain if you are getting off or getting out of the way. First, everyone thinks you are a jerk for not letting the girl get off first. Next, you have to rush back inside the elevator so that it does not take off without you.

I still believe in romance. I will continue to complement my wife's haircut without her having to ask and give her a kiss on her forehead before I turn off the bed-stand lamp. However, I refuse to subject myself to one more day of this elevator fiasco. From here on out, I'll be taking the stairs.

Our Long Regional Nightmare is Over

From Two Bills Drive:

Edwards Named Starter
BuffaloBills.com reports: 'Dick Jauron announced Monday that Trent Edwards will start vs. the Washington Redskins.'

I thought so

We Believe

I interrupt our long silence to bring you this message from Jim Kelly:

"As fans of the Buffalo Bills, we talk about community. That's one of the reasons I stayed in Buffalo NY is because of the people. That's why Thurman moved back to the area My wife is from here, Thurman's wife is from here, Patti. We guarantee you, and I not only mean me, but Steve Tasker who lives here also but Thurman Thomas - he moved back here. We will make sure, we can almost guarantee that the Buffalo Bills will never leave Western New York."

Hells yeah. That is the best news I've seen about the Bills in weeks-- and it doesn't even really mean anything. Kelly went on to add:

Wow, J.P. Losman is a terrible football player. I don't know where he learned to run backwards and fall down like that. Certainly wasn't from me.*

*Kelly didn't actually say these things. Don't sue us, .govs.)

Bills' Everett Reportedly Able to Walk

It's true: see here.

Things are really turning around for our beloved.

Happy Boss Day Farts

I just arrived back to my office from a meeting, and I found a tin of good Danish cookies and a note from my secretary wishing me a Happy Boss's Day. The present made me feel good, because I like cookies, and terrible, because I'm sure that there must have been a secretary's day that I missed somewhere along the way. One thing is sure, though: I'm not getting my bosses anything for this boss's day.

In other, lunchfart news: instead of my usual roast beef on rye, I got a chicken salad on wheat. Boring, you think? Not when you also ask for sprouts and avocado, bitches.

Mazelfarts

Man Boobs took the plunge.  A mazelfart for you.  1 down and 2 to go for your fearless weddingfarts correspondents. 

All reports say that Man Boobs had successful nuptials, but we are unclear about the farts.

Man Boobs WeddingFarts, Part II

Things to know about weddingfarts in Destin: there is a Michael's here, in case you need to decorate a golf cart getaway car. You don't really want to spend your morning at Michael's, but sometimes you end up there anyway. The gulf of mexico is wonderful for swimming, but jelly fish aren't. Bloody Marys are delicious, and I play good endings on guitar.

As for food: I was shown the magic of mixing Frank's Red Hot and butter together last night. I can't believe I've never done that before. I had been lead to believe that making chicken wings involved Splenda, but that is clearly very wrong. It couldn't be farther from the truth, in fact: as we discussed last night, the magic of a perfect chicken wing turns on the quality of the chicken and the skill of the fry, not the sauce.

Sometimes it takes a trip to Destin-ation, Florida to find out that you've had the ability to make the magic sauce in my own kitchen all of this time, even without Splenda.

Oh the dentist... that sucks

That's the response I get whenever I have to go to the dentist.  The dentist is horrible.  I really hate it.  We've all been there.  In the fucking dumb up and down chair.  An then the scraping.  The scraping sucks, and then they catch gum, and then they use the fucking chunky toothpaste (polish).  Hate it.  It's impossible not to put your teeth together after the fucking chunky toothpaste (polish).  There is nothing grosser than that bullshit grit.  I hate it so much.  And then, to add insult to injury, they floss, and it feels like they are pulling your head in half.  Fucking dentist bullshit.

Man Boobs WeddingFarts, Part I

I'm in Destin-ation, Florida for Man Boobs' wedding. There is a lot to talk about already, like fried shrimp sandwich for breakfast, but I can't talk about everything right now. The important thing to know is that conversations like this happen:

(Driving with Man Boobs, we pass several of the "Wings" stores in Florida that sell boob and beer t-shirts and tchockes)

Weddingfarts: These signs for "Wings" are really frustrating. They're making me really hungry, and then disappointed because these stores don't actually sell wings.

Man Boobs: I know. It's like when I used to go pick my sister up from "Brownies."

Tonight

I learned some things tonight.

I watched the Bills game.  It was awesome in a different kind of way. 

Our beloved should not have been able to even hang with the Cowboys.  They did anyway. 

I think that Trent Edwards is our quarterback of the future.

Oven Baked wings can be a solid replacement to fried wings.  Not always as good, but they are a good second, slightly healthier, option.

Fiancee is a Bills fan.  I didn't know that before.  She was blown away by Jauron calling the doodoo cheater timeout before the last second fieldgoal attempt.

And we're back

Friends and .govs,

We have been gone far too long. We can explain: man boobs is getting married at the end of this week. Sailor Jacket is busy organizing his chuppah. And I am lazy and full of law.

That and our beloved are having a very challenging year. Well, not so much challenging so far as hopeless. It will be a sign of success for this team if all of our players are able to walk again someday. So, whereas you may have expected that the first five weeks of the football season would have been fruitful ones for this blog, given that we write about nothing but lunch, stains, and our beloved, we've had nothing to say.

Until now.

Our beloved play tonight, in their first Monday night game at home in 13 years. We don't expect much at all. But the glory of tonight is that we have no idea what to expect: we have a new quarterback, and we're just not sure yet if he is totally fucking awesome or incredibly unimaginably fucking awesome. So strange things might happen. And we're playing Bum, son of Bum, so we're nervous and hungry, and a little nauseous.

Yes, we have another quarterback, too, but when our new backup tight end say things like this:

Just how good was rookie quarterback Trent Edwards last week?

“He was excellent. I mean, you’ve got veteran quarterbacks that can’t do what he does. I just expect more excellent things from him.”

You begin to think that we'll never see JP "Run Backwards and Fall Down" Losman play again for the Bills. But then again, our new backup tight end also says things like this:

What’s you idea of a relaxing day?

“Just sitting back, listening to my music, and looking at the sky, especially here in Buffalo.”

Jury Duty Day 1

Here's what I know about jury duty so far:

You always have to pee
The Lawyers don't look like my lawyer
Everyone hates everything
The judge is funny
The lawyer asked my what my favorite sports team was
The lawyer asked me what my favorite movie was
The food sucks.
You get knots in your back

What I learned in Columbus, OH

Columbus kicked my ass a little.  Here are a few things that I learned:

1.  Skybus airlines is new.  And ridiculous.  They have the nerve to charge $10 for a half wrap.  Do I seem like the kind of person that would be satisfied with a half wrap??

2.  Everyone in Columbus knows a shitload about transfat.  I don't know why.  They all talk about it all the time.  I'm from LA and I don't know anything about Transfat.

3.  When you visit Columbus you will have a small piece of crusty bread go down the wrong pipe and you will make a gigantic scene in the restaurant as you cough and try to clear your airway.  Guaranteed.  Happens every single time.

4.  You will eat a giant burger at a place called Thurmans.  The burger will be the best burger you have ever had

5.  Col will suggest buying a 6 pack of good beer.  That good beer is not as good as Miller Light

6.  Col will make wings that are awesome.

7.  Col was blown away by the Rochester flat eating method.

8.  Watching Rocky III is in no way a passive movie watching experience.

9.  Everyone has a cat in Columbus.  That shit makes no sense.  For some reason one of the cats really liked me.  The cat kept jumping up into my lap.  I'm not really a cat guy.  Col thought it was hilarious.

10.  After you tell someone where you live in Columbus you are automatically asked who your landlord is.  That shit made zero sense.  "Oh I live in the German Village."  "Oh really?  Who is your landlord?"

11.  There is an awesome video store in Columbus.  It has a shitload of videos.  However, there is a major flaw in their system.  They  did not carry Teen Wolf.

Where gmail sent me today

It has been a long time since gmail sent me somewhere.  However, today gmail sent me to a place that gave me an idea.  I want to open a Chain restaurant that looks shitty even by my standards.

Fatness

Tomorrow I travel to COLumbus, Ohio to see Col and Dread Pirate David.  You may be asking why I know two people in Columbus, OH?  I don't have an answer.  Just lucky I guess.  I do know a few things about this trip though:

1.  I'm going to eat wings.
2.  Col is going to make them
3.  It's going to be 100 degrees.
4.  Dread Pirate and I will look at Youtube clips for 5 straight hours.
5.  I will not eat Hot Clucker Spuds
6.  I will not eat Taco Ninja
7.  I will probably watch 5 out of 6 Rocky movies.  Remember 5 is never to be discussed.
8.  I might watch Teen Wolf/Teen Wolf 2
9.  Do not call Marty McFly Chicken

What We've Been Waiting For, Besides the Actual Start of the Season

It's here, gentle .govs. The Deadspin Buffalo Bills Season Preview. I wholly endorse it.

And everyone should find the video of Marshawn Lynch doing his thing at Cal on You Tube. It'll make you happy and hopeful. Which is what August in the NFL is all about.

Roger Clemens, HA HA HA HA

Man Boobs, this is for you.

Oh hell, it's for everyone. .govs, enjoy!

Rochester: The Most Wonderful Place On Earth

Flying home from Boston recently, I was pleased to discover that The Rock is finally getting the attention and recognition that it deserves-- in a 20 page full color profile in US Airways Magazine.

I suggest that all of you, including you .govs out there, book a ticket on US Airways as soon as possible so that you can read about Rochester in all of its glory on the written page. Of course, if you don't have the time to fly anywhere, you can just read the whole thing online.

Always remember: Rochester is perfect, but summer camp is home.

What happens at camp

The thing about camp is that it doesn't really change. 

There are new buildings, but that's not the point.

The kids are still kids.

The counselors are still kids.

The food still makes you run for it.

I've also never sweat as much as I have at camp this summer. 

some highlights:

Watching New Clerk eat pizza on the subway in NYC.
Eating BBQ in Jackson, Miss.
Being in Hell.  I've seen it.  It's in NY.  It's not Subway.
eating various fried poultry in the greater Washington DC area.
Watching the hot dog eating contest.
Watching the documentary of how hot dog eaters eat hotdogs.
Cookie Cake.

Awesome.

Once Again, A Step Or Two Ahead of You, Sports Guy

In a recent chat, The Sports Guy writes:

Michael (DC): How have you not said a word yet about the Hot Dog Eatting on the 4th of July. If that wasn't a 9.5 or higher on the unintentional comedy scale, what is?

Bill Simmons: I would love to watch a show that explains how these guys can swallow that much food while shoving more food in their mouth and chewing it. Seriously, I'd love to see a show with computer graphics that shows the inside of their mouths, their jaws, their stomachs and esophaguses and how the food gets processed to the point that it can be swallowed. It's absolutely amazing. And what would happen if someone choked to death during the contest? Has this happened and we just never read about it? Why wouldn't it happen all the time?

Not to brag-- well, to brag a little bit. Just the other day, sailor jacket and fuckface were at my apartment to tear apart a bucket of wings, and we watched THE SHOW THAT SIMMONS JUST DESCRIBED. It included not only an explanation of what competitive eaters do, but computer graphics, AND real time pictures of the amazing things that happen inside Eater X from time to time. If that weren't enough, the show also featured Bubba, an eater wannabe who apparently doesn't find family life quite fulfilling enough, even though they seem like nice, thoughtful people. (I give his wife two more years with Bubba if he keeps this up, and no chance at custody). It's on the National Geographic Channel-- I suggest you check it out.

But probably not after eating a huge amount of wings. That was actually a mistake.

From a friendfart

Our friend Col has written a post about chicken wings that we thought
we should share with you. Here it is. Col lives in a city in Ohio.
He's lived there for 10 years. There's something to be said about
living in a mid-size city. Now, some wisdom and words from Col:

Wing Tip Farts...

What's the deal with chicken wing places that don't cut the tips off
their wings? Is there a reason for it or is it pure laziness? As a
fat guy, I'm not saying it isn't joyful to suck the grease and sauce
off the tips, but come on! The tips make the wing very difficult to
eat. Can anyone offer a reasonable explanation as to why some
restaurants feel the need to challenge the eater of arguably the
greatest food in the world?

Obama Boobs

At first I thought this was a picture of Obama's head transposed on my body. My decision has been made - man boobs for president.

Cupcake Update #2

Apparently not everyone loves cupcakes as much as me...

Cupcake Update

I can't write for long - my fingers are covered with gooey chocolate frosting and moist morsels of chocolate cupcake...

Case of the Mysterious Cupcakes Solved

A couple months back I wrote an entry regarding a box of assorted cupcakes that had mysteriously appeared in the break room fridge. Where did they come from? Who were they for? Why were they in an unmarked cardboard box? What came first, the orange or the color orange?

Well, two days ago the answer arrived in the form of a spam company email:

"Dear Employees....It’s almost our quarterly Birthday cup cake day!!!"

So you can imagine my excitement this morning when I woke up and remembered that today is the day. I put on a darker shirt than normal hoping to conceal the inevitable frosting stains and showed up to work with an empty stomach and an adrenalin high. So far, no cupcakes.

I'll keep you posted.

NOTE FOR CONSPIRACY THEORISTS: The email did have one detail that is throwing me for a loop. Behind the words is an image of a large chocolate and strawberry cake with a cherry on top (see image below). Is this what the executives get to eat on cup cake day? Was cupcake day originally meant to be gourmet cake day? Perhaps we'll never know...

More Baseball Fun

If I were more adept at blogging, I would just post this video straight to the blog. But I'm about as proficient at blogging as I am at eating without ruining a shirt (ruined shirt count over the past 24 hours: 1 knit blue shirt, chocolate ice cream; 1 striped button down, tomato (!?!)). So you're going to have to do the incredibly difficult thing of clicking here.

What is it? Roger Clemens begging for a job at age 95. Worth it, I tell yu.

Don't Play Games with Us, Gilbert

I didn't say anything at the time, because I didn't want to be believe it was true, and I didn't want to think about the horrible possibilities. But Gilbert Arenas opted out of his final year of his contract with the Wizards. That's the type of thing you do when you are looking to go somewhere else. But Gilbert also represents himself, so it may also be the type of thing you do when you're bored of playing Halo. It's sometimes hard to tell with him.

But thank God for blogs. Gilbert says he's not going anywhere. He has a whole analysis to prove it. I hope he's telling us the truth.

In other news, Mike Bloomberg says he's not running for president.

On Tour

I leave tomorrow for Mississippi.  It's going to be very hot there.  I'm going to sweat so much. 
Then I go to New York, where I will also be sweaty.
Then I return to LA where I will also be sweaty

Then I have a week off.

Then I go to DC and see weddingfarts where it's sweaty everywhere but bethesda.
Then I go to somewhere in Pennsylvania where it's hot
Then I go to our old stomping grounds where it's muggy
Then I go to Texas where I will sweat again.
Then I go to New York where the drive in is.
Then I go to Philadelphia or something.

Then I come home.

Summer.  Sweaty.  Summer.

Why Every American Jew Should Love the Red Sox and Hate the Yankees

I'm glad someone else wrote this, so I don't have to.

Law Day

Yesterday was Law Day.  I went to the courthouse, which is huge, and went for jury duty.  Here are a few things that they don't tell you about jury duty:

1.  Bring a pen, or you have to buy one for 90 cents.
2.  There are a billion people there and none of them look happy.
3.  You will be a lot sweatier than you anticipated.
4.  The parking garage is accompanied by a lot of stairs, hence the sweating.
5.  They let you fill out a form (hence the pen) so that you can postpone and then just... leave.  It was weird.  I didn't think that I would be able to just... leave.
6.  Lawyers also have jury duty.

I said duty 3 times

Much Ado About Man Boobs

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Just Leave Us Alone

Apparently your posts have caused some anger in the pages of Slate, man boobs. Keep up the good work.

What Mensches!

With the absence of Gabe Kapler (and, consequently, the Gabe Kapler guy at Angels Stadium) and Adam Stern (as well as Samantha Stern) from this year's Red Sox squad, you may have thought that the team had turned against Our People. But, don't worry-- the Red Sox LOVE the Jews.

Kiper is back

Mel Kiper started doing NFL draft shit for next year already, and based on what he says about this guy (the #1 prospect) we're all fucked.

1. Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville (6-3, 223)
Polished pure passer in the Jim Kelly mold.

A-ROD BEATS BOSTON

Hell yeah!!!!

A Class Act, that Alex Rodriguez

Proud of your player, man boobs?

Yuck...

...but, not yucky.  We did a lot of work today and last night.  Last night was crabs.  We each ate 5.  Then this morning was omelettes, and then a burger for me and fried chicken for weddingfarts.  Then to top it all off, we had sushi and peking duck.

PEKING DUCK

What happens at night

First you have a Manhattan.  Then you order wings; the right way.  Then you walk around DC frantically looking for beer before the wings come.  You can't find beer because everything in DC is closed. 

Then the wings arrive and they are awesome.  I'm a convert to the weddingfarts method of flat eating.  Absolutely filthy, but it does the job. 

Then you play Halo and win, and weddingfarts gets mad.  Then you play Madden and win and weddingfarts gets mad.  Then you play Halo and win again, and weddingfarts gets mad again.  Then he can't shit right.  Awesome.

today was a special day

We had our first mystery!  1-0 the Canadian wins for solving the mystery.

Washington DC

here's what I know about DC so far.  They have good sandwiches with Roast Beef, Cheddar Cheese, Spinach (because I'm healthy), and bacon. 

After that everyone goes on Weddingfarts roof to have parties.  The only catch is you have to be wearing a dress or a tie.  Luckily Weddingfarts and I were both wearing jeans, polo shirts, and glasses. 

Get ready

sailorjacket goes to DC tomorrow.  Prepare for lot's of posts.

NBA Draft Farts

I really don't care about basketball enough to get worked up about the draft, but someone should probably check on the Sports Guy to make sure he's ok.

Welcome Back, Shithead

I just arrived back at work after a short trip to Boston to find that a shelf on my crappy bookcase has collapsed. There are important law papers everywhere. Crappy bookcase.

It was as if my office was saying: welcome back, shithead. Now clean up this mess.

Note to self...

Do not eat the Chinese food from the 1st floor cafeteria. It will make you feel bad about yourself. And for heaven's sake, stop letting them fool you with the promise of a free chocolate chip cookie.

Things That May Happen Farts

We're going to try a revolutionary new approach to blogging around here: instead of focusing so much on what we ate in the past, we're going to try focusing on what we may eat in the future. I'm going to Boston today. Here are things that MAY happen:

• I may see David Ortiz hit a home run off crappy Tigers pitchers (I'd say another home run, but sailor jacket and I missed our Ortiz home run because of traffic in Los Angeles last summer)
• I may discover when I get back that my credit card is lost and not just in the pocket of the pair of pants I wore yesterday
• I may eat an Anna's Tacqueira steak burrito with everything
• I may get me and the macher lost because I've lived in Boston before but haven't been back in almost two years (how did that happen? has it really been that long?)
• I may eat fried clams or lobster. If not now, then Sunday night, when I return to Boston
• I may listen to WEEI
• I may hurt myself on Dunkin Donuts

That is not all. Everyone mark May25 on their calendars. That is the start of an important weddingfarts summit, here in swampy hot DC. Significant posts are sure to occur then.

Seattle's Best Fart

I am in Seattle for a Microsoft conference this week. I am enjoying an unlimited supply of the best coffee in America. I got a free laptop bag with labeled pockets for my ipod, airplane tickets, and computer. Last night's dinner consisted of a mixed seafood grill with fresh avocado salad which I enjoyed while watching cruise ships and tugboats crawl accross the Puget Sound. God is going to be talking to us tomorrow in the form of Steve Ballmer. I think that I will have seafood again tonight, this time in the form of a crustacean. Life is good.

The Shirts of Summer

It's supposed to be 80 degrees today, and it's humid, of course-- thunderstorms are expected. So I decided to break out a short sleeved polo shirt for the occasion, in my ongoing effort to dress more slovenly each day. I think this is acceptable lawyer wear at the firm.

But somehow I didn't notice the big, long, dark stain on the front until I sat down at my desk.

re: memphisfarts

I don't remember doing that.  Not good.

Yankees & Clemons = Last Place

The Yankees are done for. Roger's 2.30 ERA (2006) will not be enough to win games with the Yankee offense. Clemons and Petite are not the BFF's they are reported to be and will fight like girls all season. He should not have turned down the $18 million dollar offer from Boston. Who would not want to play for Boston? Who!!!

(Can't wait to laugh about my preditions at the end of the year)....

Love,

Boobs

Thanks A Lot, Jerk.

Peter King recently had this to say about our beloved's new running back, Marshawn Lynch:

I think they might as well go ahead and inscribe the Offensive Rookie of the year trophy with Marshawn Lynch's name. With a run-blocking offensive line coach in Jim McNally, two very high-priced line free agents in the fold (Derrick Dockery, Langston Walker) after being trained in run-blocking in their previous places, and the likelihood that Lynch will get 300 carries if he stays healthy ... I mean, unless Calvin Johnson catches 80 balls or some Hofstra receiver comes out of nowhere again, Lynch should win it in a walk.

Which is great and all, but probably means that Lynch will sprain a knee and break a few toes in a mistaken collision with Craig Nall on the second week of practice, and we'll spend a lot of time this season rooting for Anthony Thomas.

Clemens Farts

Now, there is a bad tendency for Red Sox fans to think that everything that happens in baseball happens to them personally. I don't want to participate in that. So I won't comment on the recent acquisition of a fat, 45-year-old pitcher by the Yankees. Instead, I'll let man boobs field this one and make his predictions, so that we'll be able to laugh at them in the fall. Thoughts, man boobs?

Website Fart

Useful link: http://www.bugmenot.com/

Memphisfarts

I dropped a full glass of whiskey all over myself.  I love Memphis.

Why I Watch TV

I didn't watch the whole show yet, but I did catch the Rudy ending on Earl last night. I had been ready for that my whole life.

And I stayed up to watch to watch the end of the Warriors game. I don't watch a lot of basketball, but I've never seen a team so completely demolished before. Stupid Dirk.

Our #1 pickfarts

We've all seen it, but this relationship is probably going to be really newsworthy for the next 3-4 years. 

Fuddrucker's Lunchfarts

It had been a long time.  I don't think that I had been to Fuddrucker's since I lived in the land of our Beloved.  Fuddruckers is pretty awesome.  They do a number of things right.  The following is a list of things that Fuddrucker's does better than other burger places.

1.  They butter the bun and then grill the bun.

That one thing is such a beautiful use of butter and bun that the rest of the burger is irrelevant.  I'm not sure if you've ever had a buttered bun with your burger before, but I can't recommend it to you enough.  Fuddrucker's also has a vegetable bar for your lettuce, tomato, pickle, or jalapeno needs.  I abuse bars that give away free jalapenos and pickles.  I'll load up.  Fuddrucker's doesn't seem to mind.  The burger was perfectly cooked, and with assistance from the buttered bun was probably the best meal I've eaten since last sunday. 

Let's face it.  Right now we're in desperate times.  I just got a blood test, and I'm sure the doctor will have something clever to say about my cholesterol.  That was probably the last guilt free buttered bun I eat until I'm 35, if ever again. 

A few other thoughts that I've had this week:

1.  Our Beloved had a good draft.  Not a knock you on your ass draft, but a draft that will probably inspire weddingfarts and I to purchase our own Pasluzny jersey's.  Here's a thought, the last time our beloved drafted a Penn State linebacker it worked out pretty well.  His name is Shane Conlon.  Yeah bitches, he's in the Greater Buffalo Sports Hall of Fame.

2.  I had wings with the Dr.  It was fun.  I made sauce.  I have my own method for eating flats.    I love to dip.  Dipping is my favorite thing.  That's why I like artichokes.  You can't dip the edible areas of the flat into the blue cheese container, so I got creative.  I call it the paint method.  I use a celery stick to paint blue cheese dressing on the good parts of the flat.  I think I've been doing that with my flats for the last 17 years.  I just now realized that it's something to add to our growing pantheon of flats eating methods.  I apologize for not bringing this up earlier. 

3.  You may notice a difference in my physical appearance.  That can simply be attributed to the fact that I've lifted weights 4 times since New Years.  Yep, once in January, February, March, and April.  I can really feel the difference.

4.  This weekend I'm going to Memphis.  I'll report on Graceland and barbecue.  I'm excited.  I've never been to Memphis.  I think it's going to be my kind of place.  You know, sideburns and barbecue.

5.  The Chicago Bulls swept the Miami Heat.  I care but not enough to write something about it.  I will say that the Bulls looked great.  That was awesome.  They've been crap for years, and now they are sweet.

6.  What the fuck is up with young pitchers getting blown out by the time they are 26 or 27?  Have we seen the last of pitchers like Schilling, Glavine, and Maddox?  Pitchers who have been around forever and can pitch as long as they want to?  It's making me cookoo.

7.  I'm not excited for Spiderman 3.  My visceral reaction to Toby Maguire is similar to my Elijah Wood reaction.  I think to myself... "what a poon".  That's what I thought throughout the Lord of the Rings movies.  "What a poon".

8.  24 really sucks.  It makes me sad.  It's almost the exact same as it was 2 years ago, I mean the plotline and everything.  They had a badass way to start the season.  Jack Bauer in Chinese jail being tortured.  Why didn't Jack break out of Chinese jail and then go on the run in China?  That's a solid 3 hours right there.

9.  As much as 24 sucks Prisonbreak is even worse.  That show is so dumb.  They're supposed to be on the run, but they are always standing around in groups talking.  They should change the name of the show to summer camp, or High School dance.

I think that's enough for now. 

Delayed Draft Farts

Many of you are probably wondering why we haven't had anything to say yet about our beloved's draft. It's not that we haven't been thinking about it. We're just not sure how we feel yet. I mean: Poslouzny, awesome. Lynch, interess. The rest, a touch questionable? I don't think we have enough players for a defense, if I do my math right. And the Fuckers are scarier than ever. Doesn't anyone watch them to make sure this doesn't happen?

In Marv we trust, in Marv we trust.

Delayed Lunch Farts

Don't worry: I've been busy on secret projects, but I still eat lunch. Today I discovered that the hole in the wall deli across the street-- the one that serves the delicious cheap breakfast sandwiches and provides a welcome, if slightly grimy, respite from the corporate lunch monotony in the area-- also serves a delicious barbeque chicken sandwich with cole slaw for a mere $5.00.

It was a very good, meaty sandwich. But that's not the amazing part. The amazing part is that although a lot of meat and juiced plopped off the sandwich while I ate it at my desk, none of it ended up on my pants. I must be growing up.

What's the big ideafart?

You would think that Jack Black appearing on American Idol would make me hate him... I don't hate him. He was raising awareness for something, and he made Paula Abdul look like an idiot. KG was there too. Watch this.

Chicagofarts

Weddingfarts is in Chicago.  I used to live in Chicago.  I wanted Weddingfarts to come visit so we could eat Chicago.  He's going to have to eat it himself.  I hope he eats the right pizza, and I hope he ignores the hot dogs.

Bubbly Soda Fart

I spent this morning fixing a web server issue at the Coca-Cola headquarters in downtown Atlanta. There is a guest parking lot and a shuttle that drives you to the main building. At the shuttle stop is a Coca-Cola vending machine. I was curious how much a bottle of Coke costs in the Coca-Cola parking lot so I walked over to the machine. There was a small scrolling LED display on the vending machine. The words "Enjoy Coca-Cola" scrolled slowly across the screen followed by the word: "FREE" I pressed the button for Dasani water and immediately a fresh, cold bottle rattled out of the machine. Imagine that.

Old Man Patchfarts

I may or may not be going to Chicago today for a conference of lawyers. Why do I not know yet? Because I'm a lawyer. I live on the edge.

That's not the point. The point is what I decided to pack: a sports jacket. It seemed like the most appropriate thing to do. I've never packed a sports jacket before. Granted, I've owned this particular sports jacket since I was 16. But packing it still counts towards my old man patch.

A Bathroom Adventure Fart

I use my cell phone when I'm on the toilet. I use it look up sports scores. I read the news. I play Texas Hold'em King 2. I break records in Brick Breaker (last week I beat every single board).

During the clean-up phase, I always place my cell phone on a small metal ledge that is bolted onto the wall a couple of inches above the toilet paper. It is the perfect place to temporarily store my phone. It is dry, level, and out of the way. Sometimes I wonder whether or not the metal ledge was installed just for this purpose.

Today, I did the unthinkable. I left my phone on the metal ledge. I did not realize this until I got all the way back to my desk. I jumped up and walked at an extremely brisk pace back to the bathroom. The stall had already been re-occupied by an unknown co-worker. That's when things got awkward. I stood in the middle of the bathroom and boomed, "Did I leave my Blackberry on the metal shelf above the toilet paper?" After what felt like an eternity, an embarrassed voice responded, "ummm...I don't see it."

I returned to my desk to regroup. I decided to wait a couple of minutes and then return to the stall. It was now empty, but no phone. I checked the sink area. No phone. Flustered, I left the bathroom and walked down the hall to the receptionist.

"Did someone turn in a cell phone?" I asked. She nodded and reached into her drawer. With her thumb and pointer finger, she pinched the phone and dangled it in front of me. Our eyes connected and she made a funny face. We both knew where the phone had been. It was a very embarrassing moment. I delicately removed the phone from her fingers, mumbled "thank you," and quickly walked away.

It felt as if my least favorite team had hit four home runs in a row against my favorite team and then wedding farts took advantage of my weak moment to rub it in....

A Tuesday You Can Feel Good About

You've probably wondered at some point why Tuesdays have felt just so, well, empty, since February. Is it the lack of snow? The long, sunny days?

Wonder no longer. We've simply been missing TMQ. But, luckily, it's back.

UPDATE: Nevermind. It's not very informative or funny this week.

My lunches

My lunches have been so boring lately.  It's really painful.  .Gov's, I'm looking for help here.  Help me.  Give me ideas of what to have for lunch.  If it helps my zip code is 91356.  Here are the rules:

Between 7-10 dollars

Not Subway hell

Organic bastards are a possibility, but not their big ass organic supermarket.

Winning lunch picture will be posted soon.

How's that for something to get you through a long lonely Tuesday?

Nothing to See Here

Don't worry. The Sports Guy just doomed the Red Sox to another crappy season losing to the Yankees.

Not the Baseball Post.

Hello weddingfarters. Do you know how sometimes you have a big thing to do, like clean your entire apartment, but then you also have lots of little things you should probably do too, like the dishes, but you don't do the little things because you say, well, if I'm going to spend my time with the dishes, I really should just clean the whole place, but then you don't do the big things because they're just too big for any moment when you think you should maybe do them (and because you are lazy and tired and hungry), and then the little things turn into big things too?

Do you know about that? Well, that's the way it is with me and the baseball post. It's coming. Don't worry. I'm just sorry that I let it stop me from telling you what I've been eating for lunch. Today I had the good roast beef sandwich, but I ruined it by getting cucumber on it in addition to the normal lettuce, tomato, mustard, and mayo. Cucumbers are delicious, but they block the mayo from coating the roast beef, threaten to slip out of the sandwich and get mayo on your pants (didn't happen though!), and generally don't belong in a sandwich. Well, now you know that too. Then I had baked lays, which I don't like, but sailor jacket likes, so I thought I'd see if I was wrong about that. I may be. I'll have to try again.

You should also know that on Saturday I went to the fish market for a half-pound of cajun peel n' eats. This place deserves its own post as well.

This is about baseball, but it's not the baseball post: I was very happy that I was watching the Red Sox game last night when they scored four home runs in a row. It's one of those things that you could hear about later but not fully appreciate because you already know what's going to happen. Instead, I watched it unfold and was a bit besides myself. I was also very happy that I was watching it at home so I could play it again and again.

And, for your information, I've been feeling kind of nervous all day. Like stomach-funny nervous. I think it's because of the NFL draft.

True inspirationfarts

If we could do what this guy has done.

Where Gmail sent me today

Gmail has advertisements at the top of the page.  Here's where today's Gmail advertisement sent me. 

What was left off my Turkey Sandwich

I went to the fancy grocery store to get my sandwich today.  I went there for two reasons:

1.  Boar's head deli selections
2.  The big bags of baked Lays

I ordered my turkey sandwich as usual.  Light Mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, and here's where I made my mistake...  I said "everything else".  I think that at the fancy grocery store, which coincidentally does not even claim to be an organic bastard haven,  everything else means nothing. 

My sandwich has lettuce, tomato, turkey, mayo, and mustard.  No avocado, pickles, or sprouts.  Including those items would have been "everything else".

It's entirely possible that fancy grocery store was schooled in sandwich making by Subway Hell today.

Black Presidents: Obama and Arenas in 2008

I'm getting one of these T-shirts for sure. Anyone else?

videofarts?

There is little to no chance that this video will work. If it does it's pretty funny. Little kids cursing is probably one of the funnier things. I used to make my brother say asshole when he was 2.

On a Happier Note

I was recently informed by the Canadian that there was a special fact about the Folklorist that I did not previously know: the Folklorist had, at some point in the past, comprehensively researched the offerings of wings in the DC metro area, including Maryland and Virginia.

Understand: this was no small undertaking. This involved lots of driving. This involved eating wings several times a week. This involved eating some very, very mediocre wings. At the end of the day, the Folklorist had visited upwards of 33 wing establishments.

We talked, the Folklorist and I, about all of this on Sunday. She tends towards the crispy in wings as well, and also values a good vaspy sauce. I was informed that mumbo wings are delicious. I regaled her with stories of country sweet. Apparently the best wings are in Reston, although she mentioned that there were very serviceable take out wings available in Georgetown as well. I was excited, Folklorist was excited, and Canadian was concerned.

Well, what could you do after a conversation like that? Only one thing: eat wings. The Folklorist knew her stuff. The take out place not only let you order online, but they clearly knew their wings. You could specify in your online order that you want drumsticks only (no!), flats only (imagine!), extra crispy (good), or extra "wet" (facilitates easy eating of flats, it turns out). Understand what I'm saying: the site actually used the word "flats." Check it out yerself.

They had a full range of sauce options-- including mumbo, but that's for another day-- and dipping options. Excellent steak fries as well, although I have yet to encounter a wing place outside the homeland that also serves the traditional doughy pizza accompaniment. Canadian and I dug in, and then we all learned about temple wing farts, which are a whole other story.

I Don't Want to Talk About It Farts

There are some things that need to be shared, and then never again mentioned.

Last night, the Canadian and I were walking to the train. A rat ran over both of our feet. We both agreed that there was a distinct, indelible feeling to the experience. It's not worth describing. It's nothing you need to really know about.

And we all must never, ever talk about this again.

pocketcallfarts

That's never really happened to me before.  I took my phone out of my pocket and it had magically called weddingfarts.  Sorry weddingfarts.

Unintentional Funny Farts

We here at weddingfarts have little to add to the Imus fiasco of last week. It is best, instead, to let Peter King have the last word:

Even if he personally cured cancer, the fact is you can't have people on public airwaves calling fine black woman prostitutes. That is intolerable.

We agree: those calls have no place on the radio.

Wegmans, 1-0

I just watched Wegmans beat Whole Foods and Trader Joes in this dumb competition on national TV.

Which is just to say, now everyone else knows too.