Bills' Everett Reportedly Able to Walk

It's true: see here.

Things are really turning around for our beloved.

Happy Boss Day Farts

I just arrived back to my office from a meeting, and I found a tin of good Danish cookies and a note from my secretary wishing me a Happy Boss's Day. The present made me feel good, because I like cookies, and terrible, because I'm sure that there must have been a secretary's day that I missed somewhere along the way. One thing is sure, though: I'm not getting my bosses anything for this boss's day.

In other, lunchfart news: instead of my usual roast beef on rye, I got a chicken salad on wheat. Boring, you think? Not when you also ask for sprouts and avocado, bitches.

Mazelfarts

Man Boobs took the plunge.  A mazelfart for you.  1 down and 2 to go for your fearless weddingfarts correspondents. 

All reports say that Man Boobs had successful nuptials, but we are unclear about the farts.

Man Boobs WeddingFarts, Part II

Things to know about weddingfarts in Destin: there is a Michael's here, in case you need to decorate a golf cart getaway car. You don't really want to spend your morning at Michael's, but sometimes you end up there anyway. The gulf of mexico is wonderful for swimming, but jelly fish aren't. Bloody Marys are delicious, and I play good endings on guitar.

As for food: I was shown the magic of mixing Frank's Red Hot and butter together last night. I can't believe I've never done that before. I had been lead to believe that making chicken wings involved Splenda, but that is clearly very wrong. It couldn't be farther from the truth, in fact: as we discussed last night, the magic of a perfect chicken wing turns on the quality of the chicken and the skill of the fry, not the sauce.

Sometimes it takes a trip to Destin-ation, Florida to find out that you've had the ability to make the magic sauce in my own kitchen all of this time, even without Splenda.

Oh the dentist... that sucks

That's the response I get whenever I have to go to the dentist.  The dentist is horrible.  I really hate it.  We've all been there.  In the fucking dumb up and down chair.  An then the scraping.  The scraping sucks, and then they catch gum, and then they use the fucking chunky toothpaste (polish).  Hate it.  It's impossible not to put your teeth together after the fucking chunky toothpaste (polish).  There is nothing grosser than that bullshit grit.  I hate it so much.  And then, to add insult to injury, they floss, and it feels like they are pulling your head in half.  Fucking dentist bullshit.

Man Boobs WeddingFarts, Part I

I'm in Destin-ation, Florida for Man Boobs' wedding. There is a lot to talk about already, like fried shrimp sandwich for breakfast, but I can't talk about everything right now. The important thing to know is that conversations like this happen:

(Driving with Man Boobs, we pass several of the "Wings" stores in Florida that sell boob and beer t-shirts and tchockes)

Weddingfarts: These signs for "Wings" are really frustrating. They're making me really hungry, and then disappointed because these stores don't actually sell wings.

Man Boobs: I know. It's like when I used to go pick my sister up from "Brownies."

Tonight

I learned some things tonight.

I watched the Bills game.  It was awesome in a different kind of way. 

Our beloved should not have been able to even hang with the Cowboys.  They did anyway. 

I think that Trent Edwards is our quarterback of the future.

Oven Baked wings can be a solid replacement to fried wings.  Not always as good, but they are a good second, slightly healthier, option.

Fiancee is a Bills fan.  I didn't know that before.  She was blown away by Jauron calling the doodoo cheater timeout before the last second fieldgoal attempt.

And we're back

Friends and .govs,

We have been gone far too long. We can explain: man boobs is getting married at the end of this week. Sailor Jacket is busy organizing his chuppah. And I am lazy and full of law.

That and our beloved are having a very challenging year. Well, not so much challenging so far as hopeless. It will be a sign of success for this team if all of our players are able to walk again someday. So, whereas you may have expected that the first five weeks of the football season would have been fruitful ones for this blog, given that we write about nothing but lunch, stains, and our beloved, we've had nothing to say.

Until now.

Our beloved play tonight, in their first Monday night game at home in 13 years. We don't expect much at all. But the glory of tonight is that we have no idea what to expect: we have a new quarterback, and we're just not sure yet if he is totally fucking awesome or incredibly unimaginably fucking awesome. So strange things might happen. And we're playing Bum, son of Bum, so we're nervous and hungry, and a little nauseous.

Yes, we have another quarterback, too, but when our new backup tight end say things like this:

Just how good was rookie quarterback Trent Edwards last week?

“He was excellent. I mean, you’ve got veteran quarterbacks that can’t do what he does. I just expect more excellent things from him.”

You begin to think that we'll never see JP "Run Backwards and Fall Down" Losman play again for the Bills. But then again, our new backup tight end also says things like this:

What’s you idea of a relaxing day?

“Just sitting back, listening to my music, and looking at the sky, especially here in Buffalo.”

Jury Duty Day 1

Here's what I know about jury duty so far:

You always have to pee
The Lawyers don't look like my lawyer
Everyone hates everything
The judge is funny
The lawyer asked my what my favorite sports team was
The lawyer asked me what my favorite movie was
The food sucks.
You get knots in your back

What I learned in Columbus, OH

Columbus kicked my ass a little.  Here are a few things that I learned:

1.  Skybus airlines is new.  And ridiculous.  They have the nerve to charge $10 for a half wrap.  Do I seem like the kind of person that would be satisfied with a half wrap??

2.  Everyone in Columbus knows a shitload about transfat.  I don't know why.  They all talk about it all the time.  I'm from LA and I don't know anything about Transfat.

3.  When you visit Columbus you will have a small piece of crusty bread go down the wrong pipe and you will make a gigantic scene in the restaurant as you cough and try to clear your airway.  Guaranteed.  Happens every single time.

4.  You will eat a giant burger at a place called Thurmans.  The burger will be the best burger you have ever had

5.  Col will suggest buying a 6 pack of good beer.  That good beer is not as good as Miller Light

6.  Col will make wings that are awesome.

7.  Col was blown away by the Rochester flat eating method.

8.  Watching Rocky III is in no way a passive movie watching experience.

9.  Everyone has a cat in Columbus.  That shit makes no sense.  For some reason one of the cats really liked me.  The cat kept jumping up into my lap.  I'm not really a cat guy.  Col thought it was hilarious.

10.  After you tell someone where you live in Columbus you are automatically asked who your landlord is.  That shit made zero sense.  "Oh I live in the German Village."  "Oh really?  Who is your landlord?"

11.  There is an awesome video store in Columbus.  It has a shitload of videos.  However, there is a major flaw in their system.  They  did not carry Teen Wolf.

Where gmail sent me today

It has been a long time since gmail sent me somewhere.  However, today gmail sent me to a place that gave me an idea.  I want to open a Chain restaurant that looks shitty even by my standards.

Fatness

Tomorrow I travel to COLumbus, Ohio to see Col and Dread Pirate David.  You may be asking why I know two people in Columbus, OH?  I don't have an answer.  Just lucky I guess.  I do know a few things about this trip though:

1.  I'm going to eat wings.
2.  Col is going to make them
3.  It's going to be 100 degrees.
4.  Dread Pirate and I will look at Youtube clips for 5 straight hours.
5.  I will not eat Hot Clucker Spuds
6.  I will not eat Taco Ninja
7.  I will probably watch 5 out of 6 Rocky movies.  Remember 5 is never to be discussed.
8.  I might watch Teen Wolf/Teen Wolf 2
9.  Do not call Marty McFly Chicken

What We've Been Waiting For, Besides the Actual Start of the Season

It's here, gentle .govs. The Deadspin Buffalo Bills Season Preview. I wholly endorse it.

And everyone should find the video of Marshawn Lynch doing his thing at Cal on You Tube. It'll make you happy and hopeful. Which is what August in the NFL is all about.

Roger Clemens, HA HA HA HA

Man Boobs, this is for you.

Oh hell, it's for everyone. .govs, enjoy!

Rochester: The Most Wonderful Place On Earth

Flying home from Boston recently, I was pleased to discover that The Rock is finally getting the attention and recognition that it deserves-- in a 20 page full color profile in US Airways Magazine.

I suggest that all of you, including you .govs out there, book a ticket on US Airways as soon as possible so that you can read about Rochester in all of its glory on the written page. Of course, if you don't have the time to fly anywhere, you can just read the whole thing online.

Always remember: Rochester is perfect, but summer camp is home.

What happens at camp

The thing about camp is that it doesn't really change. 

There are new buildings, but that's not the point.

The kids are still kids.

The counselors are still kids.

The food still makes you run for it.

I've also never sweat as much as I have at camp this summer. 

some highlights:

Watching New Clerk eat pizza on the subway in NYC.
Eating BBQ in Jackson, Miss.
Being in Hell.  I've seen it.  It's in NY.  It's not Subway.
eating various fried poultry in the greater Washington DC area.
Watching the hot dog eating contest.
Watching the documentary of how hot dog eaters eat hotdogs.
Cookie Cake.

Awesome.

Once Again, A Step Or Two Ahead of You, Sports Guy

In a recent chat, The Sports Guy writes:

Michael (DC): How have you not said a word yet about the Hot Dog Eatting on the 4th of July. If that wasn't a 9.5 or higher on the unintentional comedy scale, what is?

Bill Simmons: I would love to watch a show that explains how these guys can swallow that much food while shoving more food in their mouth and chewing it. Seriously, I'd love to see a show with computer graphics that shows the inside of their mouths, their jaws, their stomachs and esophaguses and how the food gets processed to the point that it can be swallowed. It's absolutely amazing. And what would happen if someone choked to death during the contest? Has this happened and we just never read about it? Why wouldn't it happen all the time?

Not to brag-- well, to brag a little bit. Just the other day, sailor jacket and fuckface were at my apartment to tear apart a bucket of wings, and we watched THE SHOW THAT SIMMONS JUST DESCRIBED. It included not only an explanation of what competitive eaters do, but computer graphics, AND real time pictures of the amazing things that happen inside Eater X from time to time. If that weren't enough, the show also featured Bubba, an eater wannabe who apparently doesn't find family life quite fulfilling enough, even though they seem like nice, thoughtful people. (I give his wife two more years with Bubba if he keeps this up, and no chance at custody). It's on the National Geographic Channel-- I suggest you check it out.

But probably not after eating a huge amount of wings. That was actually a mistake.

From a friendfart

Our friend Col has written a post about chicken wings that we thought
we should share with you. Here it is. Col lives in a city in Ohio.
He's lived there for 10 years. There's something to be said about
living in a mid-size city. Now, some wisdom and words from Col:

Wing Tip Farts...

What's the deal with chicken wing places that don't cut the tips off
their wings? Is there a reason for it or is it pure laziness? As a
fat guy, I'm not saying it isn't joyful to suck the grease and sauce
off the tips, but come on! The tips make the wing very difficult to
eat. Can anyone offer a reasonable explanation as to why some
restaurants feel the need to challenge the eater of arguably the
greatest food in the world?

Obama Boobs

At first I thought this was a picture of Obama's head transposed on my body. My decision has been made - man boobs for president.

Cupcake Update #2

Apparently not everyone loves cupcakes as much as me...