Foodfarts

Well done, sailor jacket. That is a commendable dinner. Last night I had expensive sushi at Sushi Kappo Kawasaki, a small place south of Dupont. Everyone else in the restaurant was Japanese. You'd think that would be a good thing, and the fish was very fresh, but the dinner combos at this place were all $35 or more, and even a simple tuna roll cost $7, so I couldn't really chow down. My theory is that the place is included in a Japanese guide book, so they could get away with charging more than anywhere else in the city for small rolls of raw fish.

Maybe that's not fair. It could be just that good that it is worth the price. It might be the find of the year. But I couldn't really afford to investigate fully. And now I just want more sushi. Like all-you-can-eat deep-fried sushi . . .

Tonight is fancy dinner with food blog friend. Yes, I've been eating well lately.

Dillon visits our beloved today. We have mixed feelings about that.

I'll have the Express Tandoori Special Please

Salad, Naan, Matar Paneer (peas), Saag Paneer, Chicken Tikka Masala, and 3 pieces of Chicken Tikka. All served together on a metal plate with dividers. I don't think anyone had a better dinner than I did.

Wikipedia?

What the hell is it??  Where did it come from??  Why does it know everything?  I think it was invented the same day as youtube.  Help me .gov's... explain why wikipedia is the most important thing in the world.

Gone But Not Forgotten

Luckily, as your DC-based correspondent, I will still get to hear about McGahee and his baby mommas on a weekly basis. I enjoy that so many former Bills make homes for themselves in the DC metropolitan area. Anyone care for updates regarding Gregg "Oops, just crapped my pants" Williams?

McGahee Aftermathfarts

I read an article about McGahee today. Which is fine. The more I think about it the better it is. Our beloved has a superstar: Lee Evans. Lee doesn't go around impregnating south Florida. Nor does he claim that the Bills should move to Toronto. Willis was a me first player who was going to be getting out of town as soon as he could next offseason. The Bills made the right move for the franchise by getting something for him in return unlike Nate Clements who just walked. Good trade or bad trade; it's all irrelevant. They got something for him which is much better than nothing.

Another note about the Baltimore/Buffalo trade angle:

A ton of people are going to say that McGahee will do better with McNair rather than JP. I followed this shit closely. I really did. One thing I noticed last fantasy season was that JP actually had a better season than McNair. Want evidence? JP Losman against Steve McNair.

So what's the next move? The Bills sit at #12 and could end up with the second best running back, Marshawn Lynch, in the draft. So, they sign Corey Dillon/Dominic Rhodes to a 1 year contract and let Lynch steal the starters playing time (much like Maroney already did to Dillon). It could be a beautiful thing.

Then again, the Bills could have taken Leinart last year.

About McGahee

I'm not devastated.  I was not impressed with him at all last year.  As my brother said, "He's allergic to the endzone."  Thanks Willis, thanks for making all those babies.

He's Gone, he's gone, nothing's going to bring him back

Willis is gone! Willis is gone!

Sportsfarts

I second Man Boob's enthusiastic post about the Orange. I also followed the game on CBS Sportsline, which meant that I missed, among other things, the new, skin-tight Syracuse uniforms. Few things make me happier than watching Syracuse beat UConn again and again. It looks like Syracuse has tightened their game-- they have a lot of talent, but looked very sloppy in the few games I saw this year. I hope that they've finally pulled things together and don't overthrow as many passes out of bounds.

I'm getting nervous about Our Beloved's running back situation. The Willis trade attempts appear more serious than I previously thought. I don't think that replacing Willis with Dillon is such a great idea, unless Dillon can bring with him the secrets of Bill "Man Titties" Belichick's offense.

ORANGE

The Big East Tourney has begun! Yesterday afternoon I followed the Cuse game using CBS Sportsline's Gamecenter. A couple of observations:

1) Watching an important basketball game being represented by black circles, hollow circles, x's, and numbers is a very unfulfilling experience.

2) A lot can happen during a 60 second post back. 8 point swings. 2 technical fouls. Calhoun having a melt-down and kicking the Big East sign. CBS needs to work on ASYNCHRONOUS website technology. HTML post backs is, like, 3 years ago...

3) Rautin's arms and legs remind me of wedding fart

4) I pay $75 a month for a high def signal that I can only receive through a proprietary box that weighs 10 pounds and is tethered to the wall in my living room. Screw that! I pay for the content - let me see it wherever, whenever, on whatever. The technology is there, the bandwidth is there - so where's my portable signal????
UPDATE: Wedding fart just let me know that ESPN360 is free this week. Someone finally listened to me!

5) Syracuse continues its dominance at the Big East Tournament - and this year without McNamara throwing up prayers at the buzzer. In 2 hours they match up against Notre Dame - the 20th ranked team in the country. Who would have thought two months ago that we'd have a decent a chance of winning...who???

Oh Great

Curt Schilling has a blog. That is not the point. The point is, Curt Schilling has posted the longest blog post in the history of the internets.

This is terrible

Things are bad.  Really bad.  They could be getting worse or better, but read the link.  This is what happens when things are HORRIBLE. 

Obamafarts

How do I know that we are in the age of Obama? Because Charles Barkely has him on his cell phone, and he may get the endorsement of Greatest Endorser Ever.

I just want to be there when Agent 0 and Obama meet.

3 Medium Pizza Farts, Part II

About two days ago, weddingfarts asked its readers to participate in a survey regarding an extremely polarizing topic - the classification of pizza as a meal. The results were quite revealing. 29% of those surveyed indicated that pizza can always be considered a meal, 29% felt that pizza can never be considered a meal, and the remaining 43% responded that pizza may or may not be a meal depending on the toppings.

The hardliners on the left feel that pizza is best categorized as a snack and/or an appetizer. They commonly point to the "unacceptable" ratio of bread and cheese in relation to the toppings. If you piled up each ingredient separately, they surmise, you can clearly see that pizza lacks the nutritional values and 'meat appeal' found in a proper meal.

Within the right-wing constituency, we find a much different story. Pizza is celebrated as a delicious, satisfying meal. People in this category find it perfectly acceptable to eat pizza for lunch, dinner, and even an occasional breakfast. "Pizza is like sex," states one of their more popular slogans, "Even when it's bad, it's good."

This leaves us with the swing voters - a whopping 43% of our readers. These individuals are cognizant of the lack of quality toppings found on the majority of pizzas in America. A plain cheese pizza is not a meal, they feel, but becomes one by adding the proper quantity of meat and fresh vegetables. By adding a side-salad to the mix, even more people are attracted to this middle-of-the-road stance.

This leaves us with one very important question - what is my stance on pizza? I will tell you.

I feel that in this great democracy everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you think that the human eye is proof of intelligent design, so be it. If you feel that the jury is out on global warming, fine. If you think that the holocaust was a hoax, then you are an idiot...and if you think that a cheese, pepperoni, or sausage pizza is a meal, you have that right. But you are mistaken. Sure, you will live if you eat it for dinner, just like you can subside off of a birthday cake or buckets of KFC or ten days of only eating matzo. But no one can deny that pizza lacks the proper servings of vegetables and meat. I am sorry if this hurts to hear.

So is pizza not a meal? Is it really just an appetizer or a snack? What I am about to say will shock you - especially if you have known me since my drooling stage. There are conditions in which pizza can be considered a meal - albeit I maintain that these conditions are rare. This requires a lot of toppings - a lot. An accompanying salad and wings further the argument for classifying pizza as a meal – and yes, boneless wings count...

I would like to thank everyone who has participated in this debate and I apologize to any of our readers whose dinner plans for tonight are now ruined.

Terrified

For the past several days I have only been able to watch 1 hour of TV.  Not because I'm limiting myself, but because I'm significantly bored with it.

WEDDINGFARTS, J., concurring in part, dissenting in part.

Having reviewed the views of my distinguished brethren on the matter of boneless chicken "wings," I feel it incumbent upon me to share my own, slightly different set of thoughts.

I believe that there is common ground between the three of us on several important points:

1. Wings (you know which ones I'm talking about) occupy a singular position in each of our weekly "menus";
2. All else being equal, and the proper conditions having attained, boneless "wings" have never, should never, and will never, be ordered in place of wings;
3. And-- I'm going out on a limb here, since Man Boobs did not expressly state this view-- it isn't always easy to eat wings. I feel that I can say this because Man Boobs stains shirts at about the same frequency I do, which is to say, most days of the week.

Where my colleagues seem to differ, if they in fact do, is on the degree of messiness that one should put up with due to consumption of wings in less than ideal conditions where there is a boneless option. Man Boobs has staked out a somewhat hardline position, which even rhymes, kind of. (Footnote: I, like Sailor Jacket, am skeptical that Man Boobs would never lower himself to eat "ground up" and fried chicken, having eaten many lunches with him during the chicken patty years.) Sailor Jacket is less doctrinaire, proposing a multi-factor test to judge the appropriate manner of consumption of wings.

My feelings on the matter are mixed. My instincts are to side with Man Boobs, and I sympathize with his view (but unfortunately not his skill) that flats just aren't as hard to eat as commonly thought. But I appreciate, at the same time, several of the food innovations that have been made possible by boneless "wings." For example: the buffalo chicken salad. In other words, the boneless "wing" should not be viewed as a replacement to the wing, but as an extension of its beauty, grace, and power which enables the consuption of buffalo-ness in non-wing settings.

So I suggest this: Boneless "wings" should never be eaten when sitting at a bar watching a game, when ordering food at home, or when pizza is served at the same meal. It is acceptable to eat boneless "wings," however, when they are incorporated into a sandwich with tomato or in a salad with blue cheese dressing, when they are eaten at lunch, when eating a buttoned-down shirt that had been cleaned within the last week, or when sweating in front of females is of major concern.

I have a feeling that, if the three of us were to sit down, there is no question as to what we'd order.

The more important question is: who would eat the most?

Man Boobs may be right... or wrong

Man Boobs stated very clearly that the chicken wing is the way to go in the debate over boneless vs. bone-in wings.  He mentioned something about the process of making a boneless wing. 

I want to set the record straight and let you, faithful weddingfarters, know that I once saw Man Boobs eat 4 McChicken sandwiches in one sitting.

What does that have to do with anything?  Well I'm glad you asked.  Not much.

The wing vs. boneless debate is really just a question of how dirty you want to get, what day it is, what time it is, and what you have to do for the rest of the day.  If it's a monday, and it's lunch time, and you have a meeting in 45 minutes, and you're wearing a blue button down shirt, you would go boneless.  If it's a sunday and our beloved are playing and you have 2 root beers and you have the apartment to yourself and your hanging out with friend and you have a bag of reeces pieces and lays potato chips then you clearly go bone in.

I hate to simplify it in this way, but it's a matter of circumstance.  The bottom line is that you need wings in one form or another, and you have to be aware of all the surrounding factors.  Just remember... You need wings.

3 Medium Pizza Farts

This has been a lifelong debate for myself and anyone who has ever said "lets order pizza for dinner" in my presence. I decided that before I go on a tirade regarding this topic, I would let you, the reader, weigh in. What do you think?

Is pizza a meal?
	Yes
	No
	Depends on the toppings
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Awesome Use of Internets

This might be something that you want to know about.

Obamafarts

This is the inaugural post for a new type of farts: Obamafarts. I, weddingfarts, your DC-based correspondent, will probably have lots to contribute to Obamafarts over the next couple of years, and perhaps far into the future.

You may wonder, is this because I really like Obama? You may wonder that, but that would make you an idiot. Because Obama is not something to like or not like. We don't experience Obama on the basis of normal human emotion, or even on the basis of rational contemplation of competing political visions, narratives, and values. I realized this today at fancy lunch, which was delicious. Fancy lunch consisted of perfectly seared scallops, which were much better than the scallops I had last night at neighborhood italian place, grilled trout with creamy buttery sauce, and very chococately cake with butter cream everything. Good lunch.

But I'm not talking about lunch. I'm talking about Obama. Or rather, I'm just living in the age of Obama. Everything I talk about is actually about Obama, even if I'm not actually saying "Obama." Like fancy lunch.

The point is: we don't choose the age we get to live it. It doesn't matter if we like it or not. Do I like Wegmans? That's not a question. Wegmans is part of life. Do I like sunshine in the morning? Do I like oceans full of water? Do you see what I'm getting at?

Of course I like Obama. He's everything we've ever wanted a politician to be. I can't wait to find out that he's actually Jewish too. But it doesn't matter. The question really is: does Obama like us?

Bracket - Weddingfarts Style

Here it is. .gov's we're going to need your help here.

Round 1:

Marty McFly - bye

Chewie vs. Teen Wolf

Ivan Drago vs. Boba Fett

Biff Tannan vs. Clubber Lang

Rocky Balboa (from 1,2,3,4, and Rocky Balboa) vs. Rocky from Rocky 5

Thunder Lips vs. Lando

Any Ewok - bye

Special Treat

There is nothing better than having a day off and turning on the TV,
flipping through the channels and finding that the Empire Strikes
Back is on.

Which brings me to a very important conversation; ranking the great
movie series' of my childhood.
We'll do this in an organized fashion. Title of Movie and then
Ranking by Sequel.

Back to the Future: easily 1, 2, 3

Star Wars: I'm not going to fuck around with the bullshit craphole
1-3 nonsense. It goes like this, empire, new hope, Jedi, crappy one
where Anakin turns into Vader, crappy clone war one with Samuel L.
Jackson being a douchey Jedi, really crappy first one where Jar Jar
just about makes everyone puke.

Rocky: 4,1,3,2, Rocky Balboa

Teen Wolf: 1,2

Skin And Bones

Do you like boneless chicken wings?



I do not like them
Man boobs I am
I do not like
Boneless chicken wings

I do not like them in blue cheese
I do not like them listening to Brother Wease
I do not like them fried in Greece (pardon the pun)

Would you eat them in a ski club fleece?
Would you eat them with the Buffalo police?

No!!!!

Buffalo Wings are, by definition, the wing section of a chicken. Wing sections contain bones. The bones provide an unparalleled level of moisture and tenderness. The chunk of cartilage on the end of a drum provides an all-natural, non-greasy, cool-to-the-touch handle perfect for hungry human hands. And don't forget about the flats. Oh the flats. The next time you eat a flat, the following procedure is a must:

1) Insert the entire wing into your mouth
2) Lightly close down with your teeth
3) While sucking in with an even pressure, gently pull the bones out of your mouth

If done correctly, you can eat the entire chicken wing in one smooth, fluid motion.

Fried ground-up chicken breast cannot compete - even when dipped in hot sauce and butter (what a brilliant sauce!).

Please Leave Our Beloved Alone

Peter King isn't so thrilled about Our Beloved's recent signings of three offensive linemen, intimating that Our Beloved have paid too much for not enough talent. Please, Peter: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. These three are all we have right now.

Although, I like Bob Matthew's suggestion of picking up Michael Turner from San Diego. Turner! Turner! Turner!

Recent Happenings in Food Farts

On Friday, we here at the law firm of Partner & Partner had an impromptu happy hour in the restaurant in our building that featured, among other crustacean delights, lobster tails and lobster claws. So I went to Maine and ate lobster last week, although not like that.

The thing is, I don't really like lobster that much. Or, I like it just fine, but it isn't so special to me that I'd pay a lot of money for it. It's not like I sit at home and think, oh man, I really wish I could order a lobster now, but I guess I'll settle for delicious chicken wings instead. I'd rather have the chicken wings. But that won't stop me from eating it when it's handed to me on a platter of ice, surrounded by cocktail shrimp, crab meat and fried calamari. I'm just saying.

Speaking of which: man boobs, what are your thoughts on boneless chicken wings? I have a feeling this may be a subject of great controversy for weddingfarts the blog.

Stay tuned: I'm off to fancy lunch with partner soon. He's my mentor. That means fancy lunch in law firm speak.

Ivy League Moves by Our Beloved

Almost as much fun as watching our beloved play 7-9 football is watching the way that our beloved manages the offseason. We lost Nate Clements and London Fletcher-Baker-Weinstein in free agency to the 49ers and the Redskins. We knew we were going to lose Clements, because we have a very strong policy of not paying good players when there are perfectly fine players with broken legs, broken ribs, and heart conditions out there who are willing to play for us, and because we never learned how to say his last name. But losing Fletcher-Baker-Weinstein is a mistake. The man ran our defense. That was kind of important, especially given our offense.

I'm sure that everything will be fine when the draft rolls around. Hopefully there will be a 5'8'' safety or kicker named Josh with a couple of baby mommas and a torn ACL that we can sign early in the first round. Extra points if he is from Miami and doesn't like to play in snow.

Our beloved just makes me want to shout.

.gov - a plea

We have a site meter that tracks our weddingfarts.

Recently people other than the authors have been reading the site. It could be people like me who read the whole internet daily or it could be out of love and devotion to the authors of this award winning site. We won a Shitty this year for being a shitty blog.

We would like your help

If you are reading this blog from a .gov web address please tell one other .gov person about weddingfarts. Maybe if enough people with a .gov address read weddingfarts we might be able to make some real progress. We can't help but imagine...

Imagine the viral impact of all the .gov's who are kept in the know about what 3 people eat for lunch.
Imagine the outpouring of ideas and support when we don't know what to eat for lunch.
Imagine you telling us what you had for lunch.
Imagine Dr. Cox.gov reading about his shaved head and crappy appearance in Wild Hogs.

The world is our Oyster (and ribs). Help us help you.

With undying love and devotion,

Team weddingfarts

Dr. Cox?

I was very shocked when I watched last night's "new" scrubs.  The only thing that was new about the show was that Dr. Cox shaved his head.  I'm getting concerned.  I also noticed this week that the shittiest movie of all time, Wild Hogs, comes out.  You know who's in that movie?  Dr. Cox. 
Wild Hogs will be the shitties movie of all time for numerous reasons:

1.  Dr. Cox who is clearly losing it and is now bald plays a law enforcement agent. 
2.  John Travolta wears a Nate Clements Do-Rag thing on his head and is a Scientologist.
3.  Tim Allen is not Santa Claus.
4.  William H. Macy is far removed from his days as the Cooler.
5.  Martin Lawrence really begins to settle in as an adult contemporary actor.

Other reasons why it is shitty:  It's about motorcylces. 
Reasons why it might be good:  There is no Hartnett, Ledger, or Arm Pitt in it.

Reasons why it might be shitty/or might be good:  Elliot Reid is not in it.  She's going to be huge in the next 2 years.  Bigger than Jolie.

But back to Scrubs and Dr. Cox:  Scrubs sucked because we'd seen it all before.  I wanted more of JD sleeping in a tent and being confused about his ex-girlfriend.  I want more of Turk being a dad.  I want more of very pregnant Jordan. 

What did I get?  I got fucking bullshit craphole flashbacks of stuff I've seen a billion times. 

Did I mention that Dr. Cox shaved his head?  I'm concerned.  It was almost as jarring as Jack Nicholson at the Academy Awards.

Shrimp Heads

Put your fingers up to your nose, close your eyes, and take a deep whiff. Seriously, give it a try. What do you smell? Do you smell garlic, cayenne pepper, Tabasco, dry mustard, allspice, dill, red pepper, with a hint of bay leaves? Me too! There is nothing like a Louisiana style shrimp boil to celebrate the last meal of the work week.

I am blessed.

Now smell your armpit - Old Spice?

Headhunters

I got a call from a headhunter today. No, not like the album.

He had actually left me a message on Monday, but I was in Maine. Have I mentioned that? He didn't say that he was a headhunter. He said that I had been referred to him and he was calling about a project. Hmmm, I thought. I rarely get mysterious calls, especially at my work number. But I called him back.

When I got him on the phone, he said he'd have to call me back because he just spilled his Starbucks everywhere. I knew I was dealing with a winner.

When he called back he said that he forgot who I was and why he called me. I said I had no idea who he was or why had left me a message. I felt my mysterious phone call slipping away from me. Then he put it all together. He said he remembered who I was, and then he said he was looking at a picture of me. I didn't really appreciate that. He said that I had been referred to him again, but didn't say by whom. He said that he knew that I worked at a firm that did a specialized type of law and asked if I ever thought about working somewhere less interesting and for more hours. He promised he wouldn't place me at a firm where I wouldn't see the light of day, but didn't really offer more specifics than that. I said that, well, I had given that some thought, but that didn't sound like such something I was interested in. He asked if he could keep calling me to pester me. I said I'd rather he'd not. We left it at that. And then I thought: do I like my job? Well, yes, I like my job a whole lot. Leave me alone.

I wish it was the album calling instead.

SI players

I've been reading Sports Illustrated since I was probably 8 years
old. In the past two years or so they've introduced a segment called
Players which is the most interesting in the magazine. In the
Players section they have something called the Pop Culture Grid. In
the pop culture grid athletes are asked to their feelings on various
things. In this week's issue they are asked "What Britney's Shaved
head looks like" and "What TV show they would like to guest star on."

The point isn't that athletes answer these questions. The point is
that I find that I relate most to the answers that the Hockey players
give. This is distressing because I don't like hockey. I find it
boring. Although two observations about Hockey are important:

1. The Sabres are wearing their old jersey's.

2. The logo for the Nashville Predators has got to be humiliating for the city. Also, notice the goalie doing a Ta-da move.

Day off IV

12:25pm - Ate Turkey chili for lunch

2:09pm - Checked email again

Day off III

1:09pm - Tried to watch the Producers.

Day off II

11:39am - I found an awesome new website. Here it is.

Day off

This will be an ongoing update on what I've done on my day off:

9:44am - woke up

10:00am - checked email

10:03am - checked ESPN

10:04am - checked deadspin

10:05am - turned on TV

10:05am - now - watched American Splendor

Stay tuned

Lunchfarts

Today I got a gyro from the good roast beef place. Just trying to mix things up. The meat was tasty. I couldn't tell you about the gyro sauce, since most of it ended up on my pants.

As a result, I can't get up from my desk for at least half an hour.

My co-bloggers are both major disappointments.

I'm never leaving again

I went to Maine and my bagel store closed. No warning, nothing. This is on top of blockbuster closing this week in the same shopping plaza next to the train station. I'm not particularly happy about this.

Maine II

I'm leaving Maine early. But that's not the point. The point is, weddingfarts is pleased to announce that a new member is joining our blogging community. His name is man boobs. There is nothing else that needs to be said.

Except this: I'm seeing Reno 911 tonight. And I ate steak and shrimp for dinner. Maine shrimp. I think.

Gmail sent me here

You know how gmail is stupid?  You know how the way it sorts email makes no sense?  You know how they advertise?  The gmail advertisement sent me here.  Who's in charge here?  I need to speak to my lawyer.

Orange Chicken

Probably not my healthiest choice, but it was good in a pinch.  I realize that lunch is probably my most important and stressful decision of the day.  As fiancee pointed out, life is probably ok.

Swimsuit Issue

It's been sitting on my table for 2 weeks. I haven't looked at it yet. I want to.

Maine I

1. The Ground Round is not what it used to be. No popcorn, no wood everything, no fun stuff on the walls, no video of betty boop, no sundaes in baseball cap bowls. Just lawyers eating burgers and people from Maine.
2. Syracuse beat Georgetown in the last game of the season, 72-58. This means they may get to play in March, and thus I can continue to be distracted from the mess between Willis and our beloved.
   
3. I didn't watch Syracuse beat Georgetown. Why? Because I was at the movies.
4. Not just any movie: The Astronaut Farmer.
5. It wasn't my idea. I'm not very happy about it.
   
6. Wondering what happens in the end?
7. Guess.
8. He make it to space. There. I've ruined it.
9. Something to keep in mind, though: There is a movie coming out with Zach Braff and Jason Bateman where it looks like Zach Braff gets hit in the balls a lot. This could be promising.
10. The men in Maine have ruddy faces.
    

A personal hero

Jarosawki, Zachodniopomorskie

Someone from Jarosawki looked at our blog. I think that's in Poland.

It's true: our farts have world wide appeal.

Closer to the Edge Than Ever Before

I've been working a lot. Have I mentioned I'm going to Maine? I'm going to Maine.

As a result of working a lot, I haven't been eating the right number of meals. This happens. Usually when it happens, I remedy thing by ordering a lot of shitty Chinese food when I get home.

Like today. I got home from work around 7:30 and was famished. I was too tired to actually for for delivery, so I order internet chinese food instead.

An hour later I called, and I was told the food was on its way.

An hour and half later I called, and I found out that the restaurant never got my order.

Think about that for a moment.

9:00 on a snowy Sunday, I hadn't eaten all day, and my dinner never existed. Have I mentioned I'm going to Maine tomorrow? I'm going to Maine tomorrow.

The shittiest movie I've ever seen

Hands down... Capote.

Academy Awards

Luckily Melissa Ethridge is performing. Come to her window. I imagine that the Departed is the movie of the year. The only reason for that is that I didn't see it. I did see Borat. That was funny. I saw Tenacious D. That was funny.

Jack Nicholson shaved his head. It's a little bit unnerving. Scary even. I'm sure that pictures of said dome will be readily available.

Al Gore just spoke and the camera flashed onto Jerry Seinfeld who looked like he smelled a horrible fart.

Al Gore made a funny. He'll probably run for president.

Academy Awards

I don't care.  I think this year was a crap movie year.  I didn't see the Departed which was probably the best movie of the year.  I did see Invincible which was awesome.  Even though Marky Mark was in it and he's a douche. 

In other news, it's sushi dinner night.  I'm excited.

What the crap?

Our beloved seem to have put Willis on the trading block. Perhaps he exceeded his baby momma quota.

What the crap?

Our beloved seem to have put Willis on the trading block.  Perhaps he exceeded his baby momma quota.

Lunchfarts

Today was Reuben day. It just had to be. You can only go so long, and work so much, before you need another delicious sandwich made with Russian dressing.

Uh oh

I think I lost a chocolate chip cookie in my office.

It's too bad. I wanted that cookie.

I've been busy

Have I mentioned I'm going to Maine? I am. For work. So I'm busy. I'm working now, and I'll be working for a while. I just figured out how to order dinner from the internet. The internet sustains me in all ways. Feed me, internet.

I was meeting with the partner I'm going to Maine with while he was leaving for the day. I noticed he was going to the basketball game. I mentioned that, and asked if I wanted to come along. I said I couldn't because I have work. It may have been a trick question. I'm not sure how I did.

What I had for lunch and something awesome

Friends, I had the 6 inch sweet onion Chicken Teryaki  sub from Subway Hell.  Only one embarassing thing happened, and that was when a small piece of sweet onion chicken got loose from the sub roll and made it's way into the red onion bin.  Have no fear, the piece of chicken was heroically plucked from the red onions and brought safely back to its sub.  My sub.  I apologize to the vegetarian who wanted no chicken on their red onions. 

In other news, it's almost Wonderlic season.  I love wonderlic.  Especially when Vince Young does crappy on it.  Vince Young = Crappy at wonderlic, but awesome at beating our beloved.  Feel free to answer some of the questions in this awesome article to see how you would do on the wonderlic.  For those of you that don't know, the wonderlic is the test given to players at the NFL combine; probably the most important standardized test of all time.

Lunch?

Yep.  It's that time, and I have no clue what I want.  Should I go to Chinese place that has awesome specials?  Should I go to Subway hell?  I don't know, and Weddingfarts is nowhere to be found.

Scrubsfarts II

Fiancee and I saw Turk driving his Prius last week.  Fiancee claimed it was Turk.  I wasn't convinced.

Scrubsfarts: Breaking

Sources say that Dr. Cox is the same in real life.

Which begs the question: is the same true of J.D. and Turk?

NBA All Star gamefarts

Seems like quite a ruckus. I wonder if they played any hot?

Bloggerfarts and an aborted birthdayfarts

I hate it when things don't work. It really pisses me off. Especially when those things have to do with cellphones, ipods, or computers. Things that are supposed to just work.

Today I tried to post to weddingfarts through email. Something that had been working fine for the past 2 weeks or so. Today? No such luck. Makes me want give up. Anyhow, the contents from that post:

Today is fiancee's 30th birthday. I have to get her something. I can't get her nothing. Can I? I think I'm going to get myself off the hook by getting her fancy cupcakes. Thats the thing here in LA now. Fancy cupcakes. How horrible is that? On the dessert tier they barely exist:

The dessert Tier: 1 being the best and 5 being the worst

1. Cookies
2. Cake
3. ice cream
4. Cupcakes
5. Pie

So I'm going to go on a mission. I'm going to make my way to this place. I'm going to get her cupcakes. Afterall she's 30.

"Cingular? Oh, it's great."

"The number you have dialed is not a working number."

This is what the voice tells me when I try to call sailor jacket.

Sailor jacket, how does that make you feel?

Metrofarts: The Sequel

After yesterday, I gave up on the virtues of getting to work on time, and I slept until my normal 8:30. Unfortunately, the internet isn't working in my apartment (could it be the router?) so I didn't have my usual pre-morning surf.

I got to the metro at 9:15. At 9:20, I had to get onto another packed metro train. It's just not right. I was late, after all-- I shouldn't have to be packed in if I'm going to be late! I got on, and a woman got on right behind me. Arguably there wasn't room for her, but arguably there wasn't room for me yesterday, so fine. This was acceptable.

At the next stop, Woodley, someone got off, which was unusual, and took some time to coordinate. And then the woman in front of me tried to move to the middle of the train, but she had a suitcase, so she was having a difficult time maneuvering the aisle. I felt bad because it sucks to have a suitcase on a busy train. Did I mention I'm going to Maine next week?

Then this older woman, probably late 50s but it's always hard to tell these days, and self-important, probably a law firm partner, pushed me and the suitcase woman hard out of the way to get to the middle of the train. I said excuse me but she didn't say anything. When she got where she was going she looked back at me. But I wasn't having any of it. I gave her my look of death, which is a fucking good look of death. I learned mine from the judge.

"You should be here," she said, meaning where she was, like she found the magic excuse for making pushing ok. But not today.

"She has a suitcase." I said sternly, not dropping the look of death, and referring to the other woman truly caught in the middle.

"Still, she should be here." (The woman in the middle mumbled something about trying to move there, but this was no longer about her.)

"We're working on it." I don't know if that is what I said, but it was something like that which didn't make sense. And then I looked down at my crappy paper again. And then I thought: What the fuck just happened? The suitcase woman then said thank you to me, and I thought, I won. The bitchy pushy partner woman kept up her look of death at me for the rest of the train ride, but clearly it was an inferior look, and she already lost, so I read my paper. I was mostly still angry though. And since when do I talk sternly to old people on the train?

Then I got off the train at Farragut North. I think bitchy woman did too, but we parted ways. The redundant whistle blowers were blowing away. And then the crosswalk counted down to nothing while the light was green, and several of us began to cross. So we got yelled at by the redundant whistle blowers, who stand in the middle of the intersection and whistle loudly to tell cars that are already moving to keep moving,which usually causes the cars to hesitate, which creates more whistling. I hate the redundant whistle blowers.

When we finally crossed, the woman next to me said, referring to the redundant whistle blowers who had just yelled at us, "Of course, they're only out when the weather is nice." Which made me laugh loudly. Because I really hate getting pushed and yelled at in the morning before I have coffee at my desk (and even after I have coffee at my desk), even if I sometimes win at look of death.

El Pollo Locofarts

$3.25 got me the following for dinner:

Chicken Leg
Chicken Taco
Cheese Quesadilla

The Chicken Leg and Quesadilla were good. The Chicken taco was very
disappointing. Although, here's what I like about El Pollo Loco. It
seems like their chicken is natural.

http://www.elpolloloco.com/

quality

Flightfarts

5 hours and 15 minutes in a middle seat from Philadelphia to Los
Angeles. It was hell. Sweaty and confining. Today was a shitty
travel day for weddingfarts and I.

I Hate Everyone, Morning Edition

Readers of this blog will know that I have trouble with mornings. I don't often get to work before 9:45, which means I'm here later than I want to be, or that I leave before I should.

This morning was going to be different though. I set my alarm for an early time, which I do often, but actually managed to get out of bed before 8 this morning. I browsed the internet, took a shower, browsed the internet, and I was on pace to get to work before nine. The world was full of such possibility!

And then, the train. The metro station was packed when I got down there, and despite the flashing lights that mean that a train is coming, there was no train for another 10 minutes, at which point the station was full of irate morning people. It wasn't all bad-- I listened to Bob Dylan (on my PHONE no less), and I had a crappy paper to read, but this wasn't the plan. Then a packed train came into the station. I let that one go. And then another. And then another. Usually the third train in this situation is empty, but not today. I finally saw a small opening and got myself onto the fifth train. Fucking shitballs, was pretty much what I was thinking at the time.

And the next station, there was no room on the train. But that didn't stop three dumb fucks from pushing me into everyone else so they could get on the train. I don't like being pushed around by people I don't know. I wasn't at a phish concert this morning. I was on a train to work. And the leader of the dumb fucks was wearing a puffy jacket and had a big orange earing, so I didn't like him at all. Especially when his elbow was in my face. Why, oh why, should I have to have a dumb fuck's elbow in my face on my way to work?

I'll tell you why. Because I tried to get to work on time. I still didn't get here until 9:20, although I did stop for a delicious breakfast sandwich to make up for all of my troubles. Let that be a lesson to everyone.

I'm Sorry to Have to Tell You This Way

Sailor Jacket: there is something you should know.

You've probably noticed that I've stopped talking about certain things. And I've been ignoring some of your phone calls and emails. And text messages and gmail chats.

It's not in your head. It's true.

I've stopped watching 24.

It's not because Jack Bauer isn't awesome. He is. And it's not because I can't get over how he can get out of Chinese prison and start saving the world without having to take a big dump and a nap. I mean, it kind of is, but not entirely. And I still like Chloe, despite the puss in face (ok, because of the puss in face). I'm just fed up with the stupid arguments about security and freedom that are supposed to mirror reality but really don't, and the convenient way in which torture always works and the "liberals" are always just whiny and in the way and wrong. Enough. Really. It's not that the liberals on the show should always be right, it's just that it's a really idiotic and insidious way of framing a necessary debate. And it's not even really a debate on the show, because the show takes a clear point of view of what is right that is always "proven" by the absurd events that take place.

This isn't in my head either. It's the wacky Bush-fucked reality of the executive producer. It's just insulting after a while. Like a couple of weeks ago when "Republican" was equated by one character with "true patriot who would never wish harm on the United States." (I'm sure that Timothy McVeigh always voted Democratic too.) And the white rapper show is on Mondays, so something has to get cut.

And I had Sprint. Their phones don't do those things.

Lunchfarts: Free Attorney Lunch

Today was Free Attorney Lunch day at work. The lawyers all gather in the conference room, usually five minutes or so after the intercom announces that lunch is being served, because we are all so busy, and we eat salmon and cheesecake. It's not always salmon and cheesecake, but it was today, and that is pretty standard. None of us like the salmon. We are much happier when it is flank steak and chocolately pecan squares. We usually don't say anything about it, just pretend that we are grateful for the free salmon, but you can tell.

This was the third day in row of salmon for me. In fact, something incredible happened yesterday, which I should've blogged about immediately: I invented Country Sweet Salmon.

Take a moment.

Yeah, I know. Awesome. Obvious, in a way, yet never attempted before. I seasoned the salmon, dredged it lightly in flour because I'm fancy in the kitchen, and browned it in olive oil on both sides. Then the sauce went on, and then the pan went into a 250 degree oven until I couldn't wait anymore.

I mean, just about anything can be improved by Country Sweet sauce. And salmon is almost impossible to screw up. But Country Sweet Salmon, in my opinion, was a particularly tasty use of The Sauce. It brought out the best in salmon, and the salmon brought out the best in The Sauce.

The same might be said of lawyers and free lunch.

Figured it out

Work is better when you sleep until 2, go in at 4:30, and leave after a few hours.

Lunchfarts West Coast

Lunch Special.  It was special.  Kung Pao Chicken.  Hot and Sour Soup.  Brown rice.  All for the low low price of $6.44.  Imagine if all lunch specials cost the low low price of $6.44? 

I think the only price that I've paid for my indulgence other than $6.44 is that I am ready to fall asleep and drool on my desk.  There are a lot of options for lunch specials at this place.  The lady told me to get chicken with stringbeans.  I'll probably get that next time.  It was a lot of food in that lunch special.  Granted I'm hungry again, but $6.44 is cheap for a lunch special.  There's no way you escape from Subway hell for less than $7.50.

Similarly, try to go into Quiznos with less than $8.00 in your pocket.  Not going to happen.  They'll laugh at you.  Then they'll think they changed the world and sandwich making industry by putting some stuff in a toaster.  Plus, their sandwiches always fall apart.  I do most of my eating at the coffee table at the Chateau or at my desk.  I don't need toasty crumbs getting all over everything.  Quizno's toasy crumbs get all over everything. 

I digress, the best part about the lunch special were the peanuts in the Kung Pao.  They were still a little crunchy.  When is the last time that you had cruncy peanuts in your Kung Pao?  That's what I thought.

Why I Hate Everyone

"The annual rate at which any individual who is or could be a participant can accrue the retirement benefits payable at normal retirement age is not more than 133 1/3% of the annual rate at which the individual can accrue benefits for any prior plan year. Increases in benefits for both consecutive and non-consecutive prior years will be compared."

Oh no they won't.

Subwayfarts II: Baked Lays for Me and You

Today at Subway they didn't have baked Lays.  How does Subway not have baked lays?  Their sandwiches are no good, and the only redeeming quality is the baked lays.  The situation was so shocking, that I ordered the oven roasted Chicken breast sandwich.  I'm pretty sure that the Subway chicken is not chicken.  This place knows how to make a sandwich.  It's not quite Wegmans quality, but it is the closest I've found in Hell. 

Anyway, I don't have baked Lay's and I had a crappy Subway sandwich.  That must mean it's Tuesday.  Joy.

Stay Tuned

Is today the day? That I finally crawl under my desk and take a nap? Developing.

Lunchfarts

Today is gross outside, and everyone is freaking out about an ice storm (you want to know about ice storms? I'll tell you about some real ice storms . . .), so I got Korean meat for lunch. Bulgogi over rice. I mostly get it because it comes with miso soup. And because it doesn't come with fortune cookies.

Sweaty from the gymfarts

On a scale of worst to best I would have to say that getting out of
bed at 6:30am to go to the gym is close to the worst. It's not like
I'm getting out of bed to have an awesome omelette, pancakes,
waffles, hashbrowns, and toast at my favorite diner. I'm getting out
of bed to go and sweat my ass off with the other cranky gym folks.
Plus, to make matters worse, the gym mix on my ipod is so sucky.

I see the same people every day when I'm at the gym. We never say hi
to each other. That's the best part about morning gym. Everyone
hates to be there, and everyone hates the other people there. It is
the most glorious unspoken understanding I have ever been a part of.

You know who has it the worst at the gym in the morning? Those with
personal trainers. Now, understand, there are times when fiancee
gets to the gym at 6am to work with her trainer. However, even she
is not exempt. They have to do all kinds of creepy lunges and twisty
things. They must really hate everyone. I asked fiancee and she
responded that she likes going to her trainer. I asked her if she
liked going to her trainer at 6am? She said yes. She's a little
less hateful than I am about trainers.

That's not the point. The point is that the trainees are dragged
around doing dumb exercises while the rest of the hate filled
exercisers give thanks that they don't have to do that. If going to
the gym in the morning is the lowest of the low, then I don't even
know what having a trainer in the morning must be like.

It must be like... my morning plus a trainer.

A look behind the scenes at weddingfart traffic

This is the most recent traffic for weddingfarts, the website. One of these computers belongs to weddingfarts, the author, and the other belongs to sailor jacket, man extraordinaire. I'm pretty sure that if J.D. and Turk had a blog, the traffic would look much the same:

weddingfarts Recent Visitors by Visit Details
Detail	Domain Name	Visit Time		Page Views	Visit Length
1	covad.net	Feb 12 2007	3:24:02 pm	1	0:00
2	76.80.48.#		2:22:16 pm	1	0:00
3	covad.net		1:53:08 pm	3	14:52
4	76.80.48.#		12:52:55 pm	2	2:41
5	covad.net		12:35:52 pm	2	19:38

Lunchfarts: Ode to Cobb Salad

Oh Cobb Salad,
You are full of promises,
But also lies.
Yes, blue cheese and avocado are delicious.
And why not throw on a little bacon?
And did someone say hard-boiled egg?

But, Cobb Salad, we know the truth.
Despite the lettuce, and even the vinaigrette,
Deep down inside,
You're just not salad.

hey, I’d rather cheat and say, “Let’s do it over and start it up another time.”

Gilbert Arenas said he was going to score 50 against Portland. Instead, he scored 9 and the Wizards lost. Are we mad at you, Gilbert? No, because you have a new blog post. All is forgiven.

Bluetoothfarts

I just learned how to send a song to my phone from my computer using
bluetooth. Holy shit.

Grammyfarts

The Police - uninspired?
Mary J. Blige - Still around?
The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Thouroughly overrated (no question)
Tom Petty - Shafted
Gnarls Barkley - curiously cross categorical
Bob Dylan - see Tom Petty
Queen Latifah - Big proud lady

My grammy's

Song of the year - That was the worst Christmas ever! - Sufjan Stevens
Best jazz album - Out louder - Medeski, Scofield, Martin, and Wood
Best R&B - St. Elsewhere - Gnarls Barkley
Best Hip Hop - Kingdom Come - Jay Z
Best Rock album by a legend - Highway Companion - Tom Petty
Best Rock album by a not quite legend - Wincing the night away - the
Shins
Best Guilty pleasure - Move along - The all American Rejects (first
discovered on the shitter at the Mandelay Bay after a Buffet)
Best World - The Lotus - Hadag Nachash

Obama for presidentfarts

Seems to be a good man. 

The Other Black President

A useful and important comparison between Gilbert Arenas and Barack Obama.

Cookiefarts

The dangers of eating too many cookies has been documented in other places before. However, never in a weddingfarts style.
I think I ate 20 cookies this afternoon. The feeling that I have is extreme fatigue and bloat. Cookiebloat. Potentially the most dangerous form of bloat. Gentle readers, we implore you. Eat 20 cookies. Embrace the bloat. Face your fears. You'll emerge stronger and more confident.

Sweaty

Generally, yes.

DVRfarts with a Scrubs residue

DVR has changed my life. I watch everything. Everything. Even Prisonbreak. Over the summer I had the glorious opportunity, courtesy of Comedy Central, to watch every episode of Scrubs. Scrubs makes me laugh out loud on the couch. I dare you not to giggle when Turk eats the pizza pocket right out of the microwave. I dare you to think of a better monster movie than Dr. Acula. More on that in a second.

Courtesy of my DVR I watched last nights brand new Scrubs this morning. I was shocked. I was appalled. Never has the shown thrown me for such a loop. JD got duped. JD was going to have a kid. JD's lady friend (who is whack and not as awesome as other lady friends he's had) lied to him about having a miscarriage. I was shocked. Weddingfarts was shocked. Fiancee was shocked. Why would that lady lie to JD? I hate that lady. The only hopeful note that comes out of this is the potential that Elliot and JD end up together at the end of the show. I feel like thats a foregone conclusion. We can hope

Other Scrubs "I dare you's"

- to not love Ted and the Todd
- to not have the hots for Elliot
- to try not to play jigglyball with people you think are lame
- to not rewatch episodes you've seen a billion times
- to not want to eat in the cafeteria
- to not think that the hairmet is a genius invention

All told Scrubs is great. Even though somehow Zach Braff is somehow the voice of my generation. It's not as good as Arrested Development, but still really good. Scrubs for president.

Sports Guy Doesn't Always Suck

His new column: caps off a series of very good columns from Miami. This one is by far the best, it even has Leinart in it. If he keeps it up, he might get added to the list of favorite farts over there on the left.

Muffs: On Life in Washington, D.C.

There are many reasons not to like living in Washington, D.C. For one, the Southerners. For another, the ex-girlfriends. For another one, the lack of good pizza. Oh, and all of the shootings are disconcerting as well.

But, the truth is, I think that this is where I belong. I find this out in many different ways on many different occasions. Like, the earmuffs. A couple of weeks ago, on a very cold night, I slipped on a pair of these, which earned me poorly-timed laughter and derision from The Canadian. There wasn't much I could say-- the muffs are essentially the pleated khakis of winter headwear. But no matter. I predicted that I was merely the start of a trend, and the stupid things would be everywhere soon.

And sure enough, owing to the dorky fashion sense of this city, where it is ok to wear your work ID around you neck on the metro, I am the harbinger of a trend. I was even accosted in a deli the other morning, where I stopped in to order a delicious breakfast sandwich, by another washington officer worker asking me who makes the muffs. Now, I don't often start trends, so I think I finally found my place.

All of which is to say, I will be the envy of an entire city when I get my hands on these.

Haircutfarts

Its the best when you get a haircut and your balder and grayer than you were before. Nothing says lovin' like a receding hairline and white hairs.

Vocefarts and Bum's son

Its new. VOCE

It has everything. Unlimited. Text messages. Phone calls. Its awesome. $200 a month. Thats $2400 a year. Thats more than an awesome TV, but less than a car. Another awesome thing they do is include all the crappy accessories for free. Free tooth(blue). Free car charger.

Here's the problem: Its designed for fancy people with $200 dollars a month plus tax to spend on cell phone service. Here's the other problem. It only seems to work in Beverly Hills, Las Vegas, and San Francisco. Thats pretty uppity. Maybe someone in Minneapolis could benefit from splendid Voce.

Its not designed for me. If I walked into a Voce boutique they would be like... "voce". Why can't Cingular (never to be referred to as the new AT&T) put something sweet like that together? They would kill. Everyone would switch. Wait, never mind. Weddingfarts and fiancee both switched. Thats all I need.

In other news the Cowboys have a new coach. He used to coach our beloved and was the brains behind the Flutie/Johnson debacle. Alas, he is redeemed by his dad, Bum. Bum. Good luck son of Bum.

Cogoogle Ergo Sum

Guess who's back on Google? That's right-- weddingfarts!

A weddingfarts special treat

I now bring to you the recipes for 7-11 Slurpees, McDonald's Fries, and Mrs. Field's Cookies.

Lunchfarts: Lunch in Bethesda

I grabbed lunch in Bethesda today with my sister before I dropped her off home. Lunch today: A BLT with avocado on wheat bread. Oh joy!

Vegasfarts

Are you ready for a trip back in time, sailor jacket?

The Medicine Chest.

ArtestFarts

What a shmuck. Although Socks is a sweet name for an underfed dog. If I were Ron Artest I'd do the following three things.

1. Name everything socks including my socks.
2. Continue to live in a mansion.
3. Try to keep a lower profile.

Lunchfarts: Uh oh

It may well be that roast beef and clam chowder are not compatible lunch items. Developing.

Lunchfarts

sometime you need to read about Lunchfarts

Blog and google

I hate both of those words. Blog sounds like a poop noise. I can see you now. All red faced and blogging.
Google sounds like something a two year old does with his ding dong.

Have I mentioned that I'm a lawyer? I'm a lawyer.

I just got home from work. I didn't even work at work today. I found another office in Washington with a cubicle and a computer where I could spend all day staring at words on a screen. That's weddingfarts, esq. to you.

Subwayfarts

It really bothers me when Subway sandwichmaker lady drops vegetables into the wrong vegetable bins and doesn't remove them, or when she assumes that I want cheese and puts it on the sandwich. And then I say I don't, and the cheese that has touched the meat goes back into the cheese bin. Sweet onion chicken teryaki! I apologize to whoever got the cheese that was almost on my sandwich. Its not my fault. Its Subway sandwichmaker lady's fault.
I wish Jared and his smug thin face had been there to see that gem.

Syracuse Basketball

I watched a mediocre Connecticut team beat a slightly more pathetic Syracuse team tonight. Syracuse could have won for a change, because this Connecticut team forgot how to penetrate the zone like they usually do, but Syracuse beat itself with sloppy fouls, sloppy passes, and sloppy shots. Syracuse played like I eat. Gross.

Still, a nice change of pace from Scrubs. I'll let sailor jacket try to explain Scrubs.

Now with pictures

passwords

It's funny when your password is your password.

Living the Dream

I think it is time for a weddingfarts revival. Why? For one thing, the imminent wedding of sailor jacket. For another thing, I read too many blogs as it is, and maybe writing one would be constructive.

And another thing: Prince rocked last night at the Superbowl, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I was young when Prince rolled through the first time, and I never understood the appeal of Prince when it was described to me-- I could appreciate that he was an Event, like Bruce Springsteen and U2, but I never quite understood how it could be that his schtick went over so well with everyone, let alone with me (pants with a see through ass window? Huh?). And, after last night, I still don't get it. But somehow I have Purple Rain in my head from watching the Superbowl. So, the score from last night: Prince 1, Me 0.